MOVarazzi

Sunday, April 29, 2012

759. Mad Cooking Skillz

Queen Virgo is used to precision.  When she tells the hairdresser she wants two inches cut off the overall length of her hair, she inevitably produces a ruler out of her own purse to show the hairdresser what two inches really means, so they are both speaking the same language:  the language of Virgo.  So it should come as no surprise that Queen Virgo uses a timer when she boils noodles. 

“What are you doing?!?” I ask The Husband, barely hiding the mild panic in my voice, “You just dumped that macaroni in the pot but forgot to set the timer!”  I reach past him to the window ledge above the kitchen sink so I can grab the timer (digital, natch) and rectify the situation. 
“The timer’s batteries died,” shrugs The Husband, “and besides, timers are for wimps.” 

Wimps who like their noodles cook al dente like God and Rome intended, not all swampy like mud in the backyard after a particularly fierce storm.
“No, no, no,” Queen Virgo cannot abide the situation, “if the timer is broken, I’ll just watch the clock for you.”  I stare at the clock: 5:37 PM.  I glance at the noodle package, and see the instructions indicate eight minutes.  Okay, so 5:37 plus eight is—

“Scoot,” he pushes me out of the kitchen.  “I’m not a child.  I think I know how to make noodles.”
But see?  That’s the problem—he doesn’t.  The Ghost of Negative Experiences Past appears, sitting calmly at the dining room table, and she is making a face, a face like “ick.” 

“Might as well order a pizza, or make yourself a sandwich, or you could have cereal for dinner again,” whispers GoNEP, while flipping through a décor magazine, “we both know how this is going to turn out.” 
Unfortunately, she’s right.  “Sweetie,” I say to The Husband encouragingly, “there must be some batteries in the basement somewhere?  Let’s put new batteries in the timer.”  

He scowls at me, and GoNEP rolls her eyes.  GoNEP taps a magazine page for me to look at.  “Check this out—apple green walls!  Remember when we tried that in Tall’s bedroom in California?  Huge mistake.  The color on the paint chip is never the same as the one in the picture.”     
I nod.  Of course I remember that apple green she’s talking about.  We ended up having to paint his room three times to get the color right.  GoNEP follows me almost everywhere; she and I are pals. 

The Husband calls the boys to dinner, and I tell GoNEP she must leave now, there’s no room for her at our small table. 
Tall lays the silverware and napkins out, and The Husband brings in the pot of macaroni and cheese.  It resembles not so much an Italian gourmet meal as a yellow pool of mush.  I can’t say anything, though, because as much as I love to be right, I hate to cook even more.  I know if I say, “The noodles are horrible,” then The Husband will respond with, “Then you can cook dinner tomorrow night.” 

I walk in the kitchen and get an apple. 

“What are you doing?” inquires The Husband, “Dinner is right here.” 

GoNEP hides next to the refrigerator and coaches me on what to say.  “I’m suddenly craving an apple, Sweetie, I actually had a big lunch.” 

It’s okay:  Queen Virgo could stand to lose a few pounds. 

MOV

24 comments:

  1. This perfection thingy? Is probably why Virgos are virgins. Just sayin'.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kirby,

      Hmmmmm. You may have a point.

      best,
      MOV

      Delete
  2. Lol, did you really just eat the apple?

    I posted that story about the bad language and chillies from my childhood and mention your post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bozo,

      The apple. And later a few brownies. May have had a bowl of ice-cream. But no noodles!

      best,
      MOV
      ps-- very flattered that you mention my post! thank you, and I will hop over to check it out.

      Delete
  3. "she is making a face, a face like “ick.” BAHAHA! I literally snorted out my juice when I read this line. Funny! In my house, my husband is the better cook. I cook healthier food, but his tastes better.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, Stephanie,

      You get me.

      best,
      MOV

      Delete
  4. My husband kills noodles, too. And he even does the obnoxious thing of throwing it against my cabinets to see if it sticks. AND THEN HE LEAVES IT THERE. But I, like you, try to keep quiet so he will continue to at least attempt cooking to give me a break. But I refuse to eat mush noodles. It is just not right.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Misty,

      I am glad you can relate. What is the big deal about using a timer? Noodles can go from perfect to disgusting in 30 seconds flat, so why not prevent that if at all possible?????

      best,
      MOV

      Delete
  5. I think almost everyone kills noodles. I hate mushy noodles with a passion that shouldn't exist when talking about something as simple as a noodle. But like you I hate cooking too so I have ate many a mushy noodle to prevent having to cook. Hair color is never the same as it is on the box either. I made the mistake of dying my hair several years ago a couple hours before my father-in-laws funeral. Before the gray started I had red hair and we always need something to either brighten it up or tone it down. I picked up a box with a beautiful shade of red. I went to the funeral with a hideous shade of bright purple.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. S, L, and T,

      Oohhhhhh, you are so right about hair color! I made the mistake of going red once when I was in college, thinking I would look like Nicole Kidman. No. More like Ronald McDonald.........

      best,
      MOV

      Delete
  6. Hello there :)

    I have a special request if you're interested. I've made a birthday blog for a friend of mine - and I'm hoping everyone will stop by for a visit and help make it a success. Here's the link if it's something you feel like doing.

    http://bestexoticmarigoldhotel.blogspot.in/

    Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah man! My spam alert is going off! Beep Beep Beep BEEP BEEP! Looks like it's you. Better luck next time!

      Delete
  7. If it can't be microwaved or eaten raw, it doesn't come into my house.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tracie,

      And this is why you are my new best friend. Cookie dough counts, right?

      best,
      MOV

      Delete
  8. I ignore alot of crap in the kitchen, but I chase Rob away from the pasta pot or grilling salmon. I hate overcooked salmon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gene Pool Diva,

      Overcooked salmon. *shudder*

      best,
      MOV

      Delete
  9. Glad you had apples in the refrig. What would you have eaten if there weren't any? The mac and cheese mush?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Elizabeth,

      Queen Virgo always has a secret stash of chocolate....

      best,
      MOV

      Delete
  10. I also imagine that Hubby refuses to ask for directions when he's lost, 'cause that's for wimps as well?

    -Barb the French Bean

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Barb,

      Oh, seems you have met The Husband. :)

      best,
      MOV

      Delete
  11. Men! Things would work much better if they'd just do as they were told.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Julie,

      You make it sound so simple..........

      best,
      MOV

      Delete
  12. Since I (Queen Leo) do the cooking in our house, I can assure you there are NO mushy noodles. I *hate* mushy noodles. Bleh!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Couse,

      Glad someone has been paying attention!

      best,
      MOV

      Delete

When you write a comment, it makes me feel like I won the lottery or at the very least like I ate an ice-cream sundae. (This has nothing to do with the fact that I did just eat an ice-cream sundae.)