MOVarazzi

Thursday, April 5, 2012

733. Walking On Eggshells Starts With "E"

You get in the car and drive an hour to the in-laws.  You subconsciously (or consciously) don’t really want to spend your Sunday this way, but what choice do you have?  Your mother-in-law hijacked this holiday years ago and now it is tradition. 

The boys, God bless them, are excited.  You are, at least, happy for that.  They have been jabbering all morning about what colors they plan to decorate their Easter eggs. 
“Maybe a red striped design,” offers the younger one, “or blue polka dots!” 

“Don’t be silly!” exclaims the older one as he shakes his head dismissively.  “Grandmom doesn’t have anything to make such a complicated pattern!  I plan to do a yellow and turquoise spider web with orange spiders and fluorescent bugs.” 
You arrive late because you kept stalling when it was time to get ready.  Your mother-in-law gives you a perfunctory hug but zooms over to your young sons, the real reason for the visit.  “Boys!  How are you!  Come in and let’s see your cousins!” 

Everyone is already at the table, decorating the eggs.  Your sons get settled in immediately.  There is no chair for you.  You stand.  You are used to it. 
You glance at your watch, trying not to be obvious about it:  12 noon.  Judging by how many eggs are already completed, they must’ve started an hour ago. 

The boys take rubber bands and stretch them around the eggs.  They dip the eggs in rainbow colors.  Your older son has green dye dripping down his thumb.  He looks like he murdered a frog. 
Your mother-in-law makes ham sandwiches for everyone and offers you a soda.  You wonder if it would be improper to ask for a glass of wine.  Your husband gives you a look, a look that says, “Do not ask for wine, I know you are thinking about it,” and you hear your voice say Coke, please. 

Time slows and bends and drips and stops and migrates backwards.  Time is a Salvador Dali painting.  You look at the kitchen clock, because you know it has been about three hours and you wonder if you can go yet.  It has been 10 minutes. 
In the yard, the older cousins hide plastic eggs filled with candies in artificial fruit flavors.  Some of the eggs have dollar bills in them.  You wonder if any of them have a one way ticket to Hawaii.  Or the moon. 

The boys run wild outside, shrieking as they find the eggs.  This isn’t so bad, you tell yourself, they are having fun. 
The younger one, the candy-obsessed one, opens his eggs.  Dollar after dollar after dollar tumble out.  He cries real tears, thinking he has been cheated out of candy. 

You go back in to check on the finished eggs sitting in the dye.  You count how many each son has done:  four each.  They both have 14 more to do.  At this rate, you might get to go home sometime next week. 
Miraculously, your husband finally says you need to get going.  You are internally congratulating yourself on marrying someone who is clearly a mind-reader.  You all walk outside and somehow get stuck talking to a neighbor.  The boys go back in and everyone forgets that you were supposed to be leaving. 

It is now 5 PM, time for dinner.  You must leave or you will go insane. 
You get in the car and sit in traffic.  The boys bicker all the way home.  You walk in your front door and notice the clock on the fireplace mantle reads 6:30.  You set the decorated eggs on the front table and forget about them.  You pick up the phone.  The pizza place confirms your address, and says they will be there in half an hour. 

The next day, you remember the decorated eggs sitting on the front table.  You are forced to throw them out. 
Your sons find them in the trash.  They pull them out and proclaim them to be “perfectly good.”  Without you knowing, your younger son hides them. 

You smell something very bad, but have no idea where it is coming from.  You tear the house apart and find the rotten eggs.  You are missing one egg.    
You are not a fan of Easter this year.

38 comments:

  1. I am yet to suffer this joy, although I hear plenty about it from my best friend who has similar experiences at holiday times (although withut the rotten eggs - bleurgh!)

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  2. I remember those days and now I have a granddaughter (7mths) I try not to expect too much from them ,I don't want to intrude on their life. I always make sure my daughter in law is included and she is ok. I would rather they didn't visit than visit and not want to be there, but I have felt like you in the past and yes a glass of wine would have helped.

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  3. I once wrote a story in the second person and was old not to but I think it is really effective here putting the reader in the frame, even if they've not been in that situation before. You picked a great image to go with the story too. Thanks for the read.

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  4. I had my grandma all to myself and we made a whole Easter Egg tree! And she had a way to drain the egg of its contents so they would not go bad. And my parents never felt obligated to take part.

    Next year bring your own wine and order the pizza to HER place if she doesn't offer you dinner. Use the washroom as it arrives so that she has to pay for it. Chianti goes well with pizza. ;)

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  5. Oh, this is too funny. You definitely took me along with you in this story! Errrr...do your in-laws know that you blog? Ha!

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  6. Hilarious!

    I'm with FWGuy...BYOW and if you have to, drink it from the bottle in the back seat of the car. (Yes, it's the voice of experience.)

    Any port in a storm. (he he)

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  7. Oh wow lol... not exactly the happy Easter experience. I did love your sons' enthusiasm for it though - and also the little one crying with each money filled egg!

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  8. MOV, hilarious, you have the inner-mind Easter-egg kids -thing down perfectly. What a perfectly maddening way to go insane on any otherwise perfectly-useable Sunday, even before visitation to the asylum to actually participate... ":)

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  9. Painful. Funny. Evocative. Well done, MOV.

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  10. Hahahaha 'You wonder if any of them have a one way ticket to Hawaii. ' I'm right there with you MOV.

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  11. OMG - Is your mother in law, my mother in law. At least I get to drink wine there, or I just don't know how I would cope.

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  12. If that happened just once, I'd never enjoy Easter again. lol

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  13. Oh, yes, this is so the same for me! Only now I dont care what they think of me - I only go to their lame functions 1/2 the time. Give me the wine I scream inside. They dont drink. If they did they might be mildly amusing. I actually skipped Easter last year! What a wonderful day alone...thank goodness my husband doesnt mind...he could care less about his family too! I hope you can hop off those eggshells soon...and just think of the in laws as irrelevant like I do :) That rotten egg deal is something my son would do too -LOL

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    1. oh, Donna, you are my new best friend.

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  14. OMG but I laughed. What a well-written narrative. (You've got a beautiful writing voice, MOV.) My in-laws and I didn't click from Minute One. My older sister-in-law had told me I'd have to work hard to be considered family, You've got to be kidding, I thought. She wasn't. I shrugged and got on with my life without them. Hub didn't mind in the slightest. Girl, BYOB and a book. (My sister hid an Easter egg in her closet once, LOL.) Thanks for stopping by and following. I'm delighted you found me and look forward to visiting your lovely blog.

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  15. OMG this is just hilarious.
    But awful, for you.
    Sorry for giggling.
    In laws...can't live with them....mmmmm, the rest of that phrase escapes me.
    I hope the husband poured you gin when you got home.
    Am loving this challenge!

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  16. No kids, but I feel this way every time we go to visit my husband's family.

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  17. Hahahaha yeah I wouldn't be a fan either if one of the eggs went rotten.

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  18. In a moment of "ugh, I don't want to go anywhere", I invited everyone here, including in-laws...at least I know where I keep the alcohol and don't have to wait for anyone to ask!

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  19. OMGSH-you are too funny! However, totally can relate (to some extent). Have had rotten eggs somewhere before too. ewwww....
    I think I would have asked for the wine and then picked some up on the way home. lol

    Thanks for coming by. I am following you and will be back!
    ~Naila Moon

    PS>It is the Easter bunny's fault! ;0

    http://yaknowstuff.blogspot.com/2012/04/e.html

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  20. Oh god, thank goodness my in laws provide alcohol.

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  21. ike and isabel are hurricanes from years past. we're fine here. we're all fine. how're you?

    thanks for the concern, though. :]

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    1. good! thank you for emailing back!!!

      best,
      MOV

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  22. Hahaha, my sister and I did that to my parents once and it took them about a week to find the egg after Easter (we knew how to re hide Easter eggs very, very well). After that for some reason we started using only plastic eggs. ;)

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  23. Time is a Salvador Dali painting...
    Thank God I like my in-laws!! But yes, I've had friends around whom I needed to walk on eggshells and it's no fun.
    Hope you're having fun with the Challenge!

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  24. I can relate to this... to much! There are always egg shells on the floor at my MIL's house. They are nice people - just oh so different from me.

    This was very well written - and I especially like the sentence: "Time is a Salvador Dali painting."

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  25. I am laughing so hard I think I may pass out. I had better be quieter--I am waking my husband up! Great entry!

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  26. too funny! I remember being the kid doing the hiding of the eggs in the house and only finding 11........10 years later no one had yet found the mysterious missing egg....my grandmother would declare that when she walked through this or that part of the house she would smell it and try to find it, but i think she was just following to closely behind my grandfather!

    Found you after you found me through the challenge! happy blogging!

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  27. Aah, the smell of rotten eggs. Those were the days. LOL.

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  28. I really like this one, because I never really liked Easter that much.

    I literally LOLed at the tears from getting cheated out of candy with dollar bills. So great.

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  29. Hehehe, I especially identify with the hours and hours, but then you look at the clock and it's only been minutes. Oh the holidays how we love thee! Thanks goodness the DH and I have stopped going to relatives' houses. After the fifth kid, it's just too much to ask of us. Except now they congregate at our house, hmm...

    Thank you so much for coming by my blog and following :) Following you back now. Can't wait to see what you come up with tomorrow.

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  30. That's funny, it probably sums up what many of us are doing this weekend! Thanks for visiting my blog too. So many interesting things in the A-Z.

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  31. How about making paper-mache eggs next year? LOL

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  32. HA, so funny! Add in a million breakable knickknack at toddler height and a fireplace with no hearth (what kind of grandparents have a walk-in fireplace?) and you have my ex- in laws. :). Loved the husband shooting the "don't ask for wine" look!

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    1. forgot about the million breakable knicknacks! exactly!

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  33. Thank you so much to all who popped over to read my blog from the a to z challenge. Welcome! I read and appreciate ALL of your comments. :)

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