Initially, I suspected that it was the next-door neighbor lady’s catalog. We sometimes get her cruise brochures for world cruises that my parallel self (Wealthy MOV) can easily afford. The first time that happened, I didn’t notice that the name on the mailing envelope did not match the one on my driver’s license. I mean, really, the mail was put in my mailbox—why would I stop to inspect if it is addressed to me? Isn’t that what the mailman is paid to do? It wasn’t until I had spent three hours going over every itinerary, highlighting favorites, folding down pages, and ripping out pictures of Spain that I stopped to look at the label on the back: oh, Dolores Johnston. Oops. I guess Dolores would not be getting back this particular issue.
Anyway, I looked at the name on the J.Crew catalog: President MOV. Okay, so they spelled my name right. I wonder what I was President of now. I noticed that American Express had included a special exclusive offer to me, A Valued Cardholder, in A Limited Time Offer in Partnership with Fashion Forward J.Crew. I was excited to read exactly what the special exclusive offer entailed (turns out it was a coupon for 20% off if I ordered by tomorrow and paid with my American Express card).
The cover of the J.Crew catalog was graced by a lovely model couple standing on a rocky hillside: he, looking macho and sexy in a I’m-going-to-work-outside-all-day kind of way, and she, looking waifish and Hollywood glam in her oversized sunglasses, button down blouse, Kelly green long skirt, and bright coral lipstick in a I’m-going-to-pose-all-day-and-then-vomit kind of way.
"We always look away from each other, because we're in love." |
“She looks really old,” said Tall, studying her unlined face. “I’m gonna say 20.”
The Husband was out of earshot, so when I repeated the question for him a few minutes later, he was completely uninfluenced by Tall. “Wow, she looks super-young, I’ll guess 14.”
Short was to be the tie-breaker in our quest for J.Crew girl’s correct age. He had heard the other answers, so I feared his response would be skewed. “Mommy, Tall is right. She does look old. About like you. I’m going to have to say …” (long dramatic pause), “80.”
"I'm really really old." |
Instead, let’s talk about the clothes. I had the wonderful idea that maybe I could find something to wear to my impending job interview. There is a J.Crew store right here in Crazy Town, so if something in the catalog really sang to me, I could zip over to the store, try it on, and (in theory) buy it. I flip to page 005 (I am not making it up, that is how the catalog has chosen to number their pages—as if they go up to 999. They don’t. They go up to 076.). I see a super-cute pink sequined top.
"I'm on my way to that job interview now ..." |
The pink cami costs $420. I spit out my Girl Scout cookies. $420? Are they crazy? For a top? That you most likely cannot wear more than five times because your friends will start saying things like, “Oh, God, there is MOV in that pink sequined top again, does she not own anything else?” (*Note: I would not actually own anything else if I had spent $420 on the camisole. There would be no money left.) But it gets better: The 80-year-old teen model wears the three-digit price tag top with … (wait for it) shorts. Not a silk skirt. Not linen pants. Just shorts. Cotton shorts.
Enough time wasted on that page. I flip to page 016 and 017. I see some outfits that maybe J.Crew is recommending for work: blouses paired with pencil skirts.
"I'm applying for a job as a Yoga Instructor, that's why I'm bending this weird way." |
"This is what I wear to go to Trader Joe's to buy pretzels." |
J.Crew has a message, and that message is: we are not Target. So I take my Target budget and get in the car and drive to Target and buy a new white interview blouse. For $17.
MOV
That's funny. I used to pretend that my sister's Victoria's Secret catalog was addressed to me.
ReplyDeleteAnd don't feel bad. It is difficult to judge the age of aliens. Like, aliens from space. Because that is what she looks like.
But if I had to stamp her with a human age, I would have to say she is no older than 19.
that's okay, I used to pretent I WAS one of the Victoria's Secret models. And just what is Vicky's secret? that's she's a hooker?
DeleteAnd you are right about the alien model-- she looks unreal, like a doll.
I love your caption on the first photo. Ha! I'm terrible at guessing ages. And also, I would never pay 420 dollars for a top. If I did, I would get very, very hungry since I wouldn't be able to eat for a while.
ReplyDeletethanks, Stephanie! it cracks me up that so many photo shoot models are looking at their feet or off in the distance..........
Deleteand who needs food when you can wear the same pink secquined top for a month straight?
oh man, anything that pink and small should NOT cost 420$...unless its a nipple. Those are priceless.
ReplyDeletehuh. never thought of it in *quite* those terms before! but I guess I would have to say I agree.
DeleteI bought a cute dark maroon tank top with sequins on it at our local Kohl's on sale for about $7. That's all I've got to say about that.
ReplyDeleteThat is about the price I was looking for. My Kohl's never has anything good, and they totally hassle you on returns. I am a loyal Target girl (can ya' tell?).
Delete:)
I used to love J Crew in college, when their stuff was actually reasonably priced (like $39 for a sweater, etc) and they had pretty good sales. Not sure when they decided they were too good for the masses and started marketing to people with (apparently) too much money on their hands. I haven't gotten a catalog from them for years because I think those prices are crazy!!
ReplyDeleteI'm with you, Erin! and I used to like their old catalogs........... (*wistful, crying*)
DeleteLove it. 80 year old women tend to not look great in mermaid skirts anyway- nobody wants to see seashell bras on old ladies. Good choice on the blouse:)
ReplyDeletethanks! maybe the 80-yr-old lady is the only one who has save enough money to afford the mermaid skirt?
DeleteI stopped getting Real Simple magazine when their snappy alternative to jeans was a pair of $240 sweatpants...perhaps from the likes of JCrew.
ReplyDeleteRats! I have to wait until I am 80n to look like that? Guess I will just stuff my face with bonbons in the meantime!
$240 sweatpants?!? I hope they're made of silk.
DeleteAnd scoot over on the couch there and share those bonbons..........
Always a spot for you! But I haven't seen you around my place in awhile...was it the lack of refreshments? I can go get Bon bons!
DeleteAnyone who wore a green skirt like that, who wasn't going to a fancy dress party, should be fined by the bloomin' fahsion police :\
ReplyDeleteI've learnt the hard way that clothes that look good on skinny models in magazines probably will not look the same on me!! And who really has that much money to spend on clothes anyway!! (unless you have a yacht, then your justified.....I really want a yacht!!!)
ah yes, Yacht Syndrome. I think you have given me some blog material to work with. I am doing the A to Z blog challenge in April and was looking for something for the letter "Y". Look for a post on this about late April (the 25th or so). Thanks!!!
DeleteYaaay! You are very welcome :D
DeleteI remember getting sucked in by my first J.Crew catalog. Plain gray t-shirt was all that I could afford.The picture in the catalog gave it that perfect 'relaxed gray t-shirt, small silver bracelet, jeans, flip flop, beach hair kind of look'- When it was delivered it did not come with any of the above, nope just a $30.00 scoop neck t-shirt. They are fun catalogs to dream along with though, but you are right. Target has t-shirts too!!! :)
ReplyDeletewhat?!? they are only selling DREAMS???????? My dreams don't fit in one of those padded envelopes......
Deletethe age comment is hysterical, this maybe the child who has inherited your sense of humor !
ReplyDeletejoanlvh
thanks! (I say thanks, my son might say otherwise?)
Delete