MOVarazzi

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

716. Oh Say Can You See

Do you ever want to take your eyeballs out and wash them?  I do.  A lot.  I go to Costco and buy a lifetime supply of Visine, which will last me about a week.  My eyes are itchy itchy itchy which has nothing to do with me owning a cat whom I stop to pet around 100 times a day. 

Right now as I type this, I feel like I have three prickly stray eyelashes behind the actual eyeball.  They are not underneath the eyeball on the lower rim where I could reach them with minimal effort, nor just to the side where I could poke at them with my pinkie.  The rogue eyelashes feel as if they have migrated into my brain. 
“Quit rubbing your eyes so much then,” barks The Husband unhelpfully, “You do this to yourself.” 

I rub them some more, partly to prove The Husband wrong, and partly because they itch.  My hands need to be sequestered far away from my eyes, like jurors in a high-profile case.  My hands should have a restraining order from my eyes.  Hands and eyes should dutifully stay on their own parts of the body and do what they each do best:  hands can wave politely at neighbors at the bus stop, and eyes can blink.    

I’ve never been to an optometrist about my little “problem” because I know exactly what would happen:  my eyes would bother me for the week leading up to the appointment and then on the actual day would be 100% fine.  This is called the Murphy’s Law of Medicine:  whatever ailment you go in for, you will be miraculously free of symptoms when the doctor looks at you.  My insurance does not give me any kind of break in the co-pay for absence of symptoms.  In fact, I think they charge double. 
That weird rash on my leg?  Gone for two hours on Wednesday morning, starting with the minute the receptionist says, “MOV?  The doctor will see you now.”  Swollen glands around my neck area that have been bothering me for a week?  Smooth and unpuffy on appointment day.  That gray spot indicating a potential cavity on one of my molars?  Just a tooth stain laughs my dentist after I drove 45 minutes in traffic to his office for an emergency appointment.  I suck at being sick. 

I go to the bathroom and splash water in my eyes.  Water water water.  I am a fish.  My beleaguered eyes have gone from pink and mildly irritated to red and demanding to talk to a manager. 
“Sweetie, you should lie down,” says The Husband with a sigh.  I do as instructed:  I lie on the bed with a cold, wet washcloth rolled up over my sore eyes, eyes that have been working too hard at doing exhausting things, like seeing. 

A few minutes later, The Husband forgets all about my eye situation.  He walks in the bedroom, flips the lights on full bright, and says something I might have been known to say to him once or twice in the past, “Sweetie!  You have to read this thing I just wrote!” 
MOV

23 comments:

  1. This is so funny! I actually put on eyepatches at 5:00 am every morning as my whole room is skylights and it is like being in a lightbulb when the sun comes out. Then, I have round circles around my eyes after I take them off.

    I don't know why I told that story...oh, yes, eyes!

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    1. which begs the question: why don't you just go to sleep with them on in the first place instead of having to wake up at 5 and put them on?

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  2. Just like a man!
    My eyes are sometimes like that, mainly from strain. Make an appointment so it will go away.

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    1. *sigh* I know you're right...........

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  3. I hate itchy eyes. It feels like such defeat when you check in the mirror and there is nothing there!

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  4. It will be interesting to "see" how many people's eyes you make itchy by them just reading this blog post. (and I immediately roll over in bed to stretch, yawn, and of course rub both eyes with both hands, then I laugh at myself, think: "Welcome to today!", repeat yawn, think: "Is It Spring Yet?", um, "YeS! It Is, Right?", happy FeeT!)

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    1. Yes! Wikipedia told me Spring started a couple hours ago for my time zone, at least I think that's how it works.

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    2. ha! and yes, spring starts when the calendar and google says it does for your time zone, and not a second sooner.

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  5. We're all scratching away here as well. Hope you're doing better soon - or all plants that have pollen die.

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    1. I'm the one who goes around saying, "I don't have allergies, I don't have allergies," when (clearly) I have allergies.

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  6. Ewww. I hate that! I have several friends who are suffering from the exact same malady you describe. Sorry you want to tear your eyeballs out. I wouldn't recommend that as a course of treatment. ;-)

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    1. oooh, malady. I forgot about that word. Good word.

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  7. My eye doctor told me to quit using Visine, clear eyes, etc. because they reduce redness by shrinking the blood vessels to make the eye whiter, but they are actually just masking the problem for a bit, and making them worse long term. These drops can also be addicting.
    If your eyes are itchy due to allergies, try Alaway or Zaditor.
    Hope you feel better!

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    1. thank you, erica! have to give that a try. :)

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  8. I finally went to the eye doctor after YEARS of procrastinating. Itchy eyes, etc. I have pre pterygium. It is from all my years of not wearing sunglasses, but always being at the beach, when I was younger.
    Just like the above comment, they say Visine is the worst. I bought Systane, artificial tears drops. They say only to use Visine for special occasions,(vanity reasons) if you are going out, and don't want the red eyes.

    Just like a husband. They only give you minutes to rest, and then want you to bounce back instantly! Hope your eyes get better!

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    1. thanks for the info, J.R. A trip to the eye doctor might be in my future.

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  9. Awww. I feel your pain! =(

    I never had any trouble with my eyes until last summer. We had one of the worst seasons for allergies in our city, ever, and I was working outside all day at a summer camp. This, of course, was when I made the painful discovery that I have allergies. =(

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    1. so sorry ellen! (wait-- turn it into a blog post! I can totally see those cartoon fluffs of pollen with evil smiling faces!)

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  10. You totally just made my eyes itchy. Gah!

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  11. Itchy eyes are the hardest, hardest, HARDEST thing not to rub.

    And once I start rubbing my eyes just a little bit, it becomes an all out rub-fest, because it feels so gooood.

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    1. mmmmmmmm, it does feel good to rub those itchy eyes.

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