MOVarazzi

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

717. Queen Virgo Moved Out

I walked into the kitchen at 4:30 this morning, searching for Girl Scout cookies.  I opened the refrigerator and gasped:  there was a gallon jug of milk blocking the orange juice carton, containers of (expired) yogurt cozying up to dried out peanut butter (label facing away), and wilty lettuce keeping company with grated cheese (bag not sealed properly) and the last vestiges of mayonnaise; lemons were not in the fruit drawer, nor even in a baggie; nothing was alphabetical, haphazardness reigned supreme.  It was obvious what had happened:  Queen Virgo moved out.

This had been a long time coming. 

When Tall was born, Queen Virgo spent hours and hours and hours pairing up teeny-tiny white baby socks and ironing onesies.  It was fun for the first week or so, but then Queen Virgo decided she had better things to do, like sleep. 

A few years later when Short was born, Queen Virgo still had a vision of order and cleanliness.  Unfortunately, Short, Tall, The Husband, and even the cat had other ideas.  The Husband liked to put his newspapers in the recycle bin without refolding them first (I know—it’s a wonder we’re still married).  Tall would track mud in the back door and then wipe up the floor with a wet towel without bothering to dry the floor afterwards.  When Short was a toddler, he put his dishes in the dishwasher facing the wrong way.  The cat wandered from room to room, never so much as offering to vacuum up the excessive fur she shed.  Queen Virgo was despondent.   

Oh, sure, when the family was at work or school, Queen Virgo would scramble around trying to make the house a palace again, or at least get the Legos off the dining room table.  She would make the beds (only to be slept in and messed up again mere hours later), wash dishes, put laundry away, Windex the bathroom mirror, all the while saying, “Would anyone notice if I moved to Honolulu?”

But last night must have been the final straw.  She had washed all the dinner pots, pans, dishes, and glasses, dried them, and put them away, when The Husband walked into the kitchen with his dirty ice-cream bowl.  He chirped, “Don’t forget this one, Sweetie!” 

Queen Virgo does not respond well to being told to do a task when she thought she was already done with said task.  Queen Virgo hurled the ice-cream bowl at his head. 

No, not really.  But she left, possibly for good. 

Fortunately, besides leaving behind a legacy of perfection, she also left behind a detailed map for where the extra Girl Scout cookies are hidden.  (Hint:  they’re behind the frozen corn out in the garage’s extra freezer, obviously Queen Virgo’s final attempt to adhere to alphabetical order even under duress.) 

I’d send her a thank you note, but she left no forwarding address. 

MOV  

18 comments:

  1. This is what I think: it was time for the B!tc# to go.

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    1. I gotta say-- it is a lot easier without having to live up to her ridiculous standards. Who makes the cat vaccuum up after shedding? Cats are terrible at operating electrial appliances!

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  2. When I stopped working this year I had such grandiose plans of keeping house. Now? Six months later I've realized that I won't clean unless I have to. As in company will be here in two hours! CLEAN!

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  3. That alter mother visits my house on the weekends. She runs around cleaning on Saturday, only for the house to be half the mess it was to begin with on Sunday and of course she has a long drive ahead of her (where ever it is that she goes during the week) so she has to leave by noon and needs time to pack her things and hit the road. She only sometimes does the weekend trip to the grocery store and leaves no plan for the week regardless! There's no telling what goes on in her head.

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    1. gah! how do you put up with her?

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  4. How is it that no one ever wants to help Queen Virgo or participate in some of the tasks? Came home from a weekend away - a memorial to go to - and saw a giant roasting pan soaking in the sink. The husband had roasted a chicken for his Dad. Sure the kitchen wasn't too messy but that pan was pissing me off. It's still there. The husband has been working long hours. He ignores it. Queen Virgo is starting to appear and that's bugging me too. Do I leave the pan until the weekend?

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    1. throw the pan in the trash. make him buy you a new one.

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  5. Um, your toddler put dishes in the dishwasher? Hello! Wrong way or not, this is pretty darn good. I can't even get my coworkers or Manfriend to put dishes in the dishwasher!

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    1. ok, that was a *slight* exaggeration. He only put his bottles in the dishwasher.

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  6. Where's that maid's phone number again?

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    1. most likely buried under papers by the front door.......

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  7. I'm a Leo and sometimes, like right now, Queen Leo wants to roar because the whole dadgum house looks like a vagrant (or 10) moved in and left piles of papers, wrappers, dirt, sticks, rocks, Legos, dirty clothes, etc., all over the dang place. Let's not talk about the dust bunnies that are morphing into dust elephants. That's what I get for being out of town for a week. The other beings living in the house with Queen Leo appear not to share her dismay at the state of the abode. Goldfish are not helpful at cleaning their own tank and cats are not adept at scooping the litter box. Sad but true.

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    1. that time share in Hawaii (furnished, comes with maid) is looking better all the time..........

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  8. I am Queen Scorpio and I would have thrown the dish. All would be forgiven as I was dressed in low-cut silk and had pom pom's on my slippers. Also, red lipstick. You can do anything if you wear red lipstick.

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    1. ha! love this!! that is what I am doing wrong, no red lipstick.

      *signs off computer, goes to drugstore to buy red lipstick*

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  9. I'm just glad you found the cookies!

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    1. *wiping crumbs out of red lipstick*

      yesh, ummm, me too.................

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When you write a comment, it makes me feel like I won the lottery or at the very least like I ate an ice-cream sundae. (This has nothing to do with the fact that I did just eat an ice-cream sundae.)