“Dear MOV,
I met you at the kids’ baseball try-out’s, I’m Zack’s mom? Remember I had to drop off the lunchbox your son Tall left behind?
Anyway, thought you might want the number for my maid. Here it is: 555-7214. She is expecting your call.
Regards,
Sophie Jones”
What just happened here? The woman came by my house for 3.2 seconds with a lunchbox that I happened to have scribbled our address on with a black Sharpie when I was in one of my more Virgo moods. I opened the door and she mumbled something about Zack (I always thought his name was Jack—oops) and Tall, and then handed me the lunchbox.
I did not invite her in. Why would I? I was in my pajamas, and my Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies (that I did not want to share) were thawing on the coffee table.
I blurted out something like, “Thank you, go away now,” and shut the door.
She never saw any further than the front entry, maybe the living room too if she craned her neck a bit. So why would she assume I needed a maid? For all she knew, the maid might have actually cleaned my house that very morning.
I think this Sophie person was being very judgmental of my cleaning abilities. Even if I do possibly maybe perhaps a little tiny bit happen to agree with her that I might need the assistance of a maid—it’s the way she went about it that shook my mental cage.
I deleted the presumptuous email. “Here is the number for my maid,” (said in my head with a whiny mocking tone). Fine, Sophie! Here is the number for my hairdresser! Here is the number for the Botox hotline! Here is the number for Overeaters Anonymous! Here is the number for Snotty Judgmental People ‘R Us! Ha!
I pour myself another glass of wine. Maid! Like I’m lazy! Like I can’t keep up with the laundry! Like I don’t have time to clean because I’m watching another episode of House Hunters or Top Chef!
At the next commercial, I walk through the hall, being careful not to trip on the giant pile of laundry blocking the basement door. I go upstairs to the computer, wipe off some stray dust with my hand, then find the deleted email in my virtual trash folder. Next, I open up my cell phone and punch in 555-7214.
MOV
p.s. And please take a second to vote for me for Top 25 Funny Moms. A new day = a new vote. You can vote once per day for the next two weeks. My number is flirting with the 24-28 range, so I am very close.
Haha you are absolutely nuts! I probably would not have called the maid...or would I have? Actually, the pictures I have seen of your house (and your ex-houses) I thought looked pretty spotless.
ReplyDeleteI guess I need a team of maids.
oh, tracie, you must not have read the captions on those photos because the font was a size negative 3. The captions read:
Delete"House looked like this for one day to photograph for real estate brochure to sell house."
ha! Actually, to be honest, the kind of cleaning I do is the kind where you shove everything in the closet-- oh, could you do an illustrated blog of THAT?! that would be epic! My house might "appear" sort of clean, but there is that layer of dust and grime. And right now there are a few sedimentary layers of the kids' school papers taking hold of any free surface. *sigh* It's a never-ending battle, the battle of the stuff they bring home. I am not even the worst culprit! It is THEIR stuff! (although I have been known to make random papers disappear in the cover of night............)
Get off the couch! Why? Because you should NOT be watching "House Hunters"! You should watch the cute Canadian boy with the great teeth. The one who puts apartments in people's basements. That are so clean...dammit.
ReplyDeleteoh, believe me, I watch him too. "House Hunters" is my blanket term for anything on HGTV. My favorite part of the show your referencing ("Income Property") is at the end when he tells them how much they can rent their new basement for. "One-bedroom apartments in your area go for about $800-1200 per month. You can rent yours for $1200." Then the home-owners tell him that their mortgage for the entire property (inlcuding the upstairs part where they live) is $1000. In other words, once they get the unit rented, the tenant is basically paying their mortgage and they are even making a profit.
DeleteAlmost makes me want a tenant in my basement. ALMOST.
Was this a real thing? And if it was...good for you for calling the maid. Not because that smug judgemental biddy suggested it, but because NOW you won't have to clean your bathroom anymore.
ReplyDeleteI am waiting for the day when my kids are able to clean the bathroom. They are 8 and 5, so I am thinking maybe by age 10? that would hopefully not violate any child labor laws........
DeleteBut your bathroom (at least the one in the basement) is SOOOOO pretty! Wouldn't you want to spend more time in there? ;-)
Deletewe do not ever use that one. there is a velvet rope cordoning the bathroom off, and we only go down there to gawk at the lovely tile and shiny sink and then take pictures.
DeleteI did (briefly) consider holding the book signing party there, but The Husband said no. (Most likely due to space limitations?)
Regardless of her intentions, I don't like Sophie.
ReplyDeleteHer e-mail was so tactless that it really makes me wonder about her effectiveness as a mother.
"I'm Zack's mom?" she wonders.
thank you, Youngman! I do feel judged a lot, there are a lot of smug mommies out there who seem to think motherhood is a competition or a race. It is the grown-up version of the bully.
DeleteOk, wait. What did just happen there? Seriously? That is completely rude. Snippy people need not apply. Feh. Whether you need a maid or not is none of her bees wax. Besides, the maid needs to come to MY house! Also, is Ms. Snippy Pants offering to PAY for the maid? Because that would be really great and then I'd have to take back all that stuff I just said about her. Nevermind.
ReplyDeleteoh, I had not thought of that! I can send her the bill! Ha!
DeletePerhaps Tall has been regaling her son with tales of how ultra busy and super popular you are? Perhaps mentioned that he's wearing yesterday's underpants inside out because his hyper successful mommy didn't get a chance to do laundry?
ReplyDeleteBut really, I don't know if you should take advice from this woman who can't even remember her son's name but knows the maid's number by heart. Her priorities are obviously a little screwy.
aha! did Tall mention the underwear situation to you too? (ha!) and I wish I was as popular as you make me sound, my life looks glamorous on paper (or maybe just in my Queen Virgo mind). In reality, it is kinda boring and just like everyone else's life. :)
DeleteMethinks this Sophie might be getting a percentage.
ReplyDeleteoooohhhhh, that's it! she gets free cleaning when she refers people! never thought of that! (and I SOOOOO love anyone who writes "methinks." Methinks I will be using that phrase from now on!)
DeleteI had a person leave me her maid's number once, and she had never set foot in my house. That's when I knew I was the only one in my neighborhood that must be cleaning their own house! When I can write my name in the dust it's time to get cracking, I say.
ReplyDeleteoh, I love this!!!!
DeleteThis is fabulous! I am so glad I found your blog. You had me at Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies.
ReplyDeletehi susannah! welcome! if you have time, check out some of my archives and also my illustrated posts on the sidebar. :)
Deletebest,
MOV
Ohhhh, I would be obsessing for DAYS if I received an email like that.
ReplyDelete"What, she thinks I'm dirty??? She doesn't even know me!!!!Who does she think she is?"
But then again, if you wind up getting a maid, it all turned out o.k. ;)
you and I think alike. :) will keep you posted, I know if I do end up getting a cleaning lady once/mo or even once/yr, I will most likely clean the entire house before she arrives. You know, so she doesn't think I am messy or anything. =O
Delete