MOVarazzi

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

933. I Is for Ikea

Ikea is a store that has lots of really cool streamlined Swedish furniture that makes you want to throw away everything you own and start over. You think if you owned this stuff you would have really cool streamlined dinner parties with really cool streamlined friends who speak Swedish.    

I go there sometimes to get ideas.  I usually get a new end table instead. 
The only down side to Ikea is that for them to keep their prices low, the furniture comes unassembled.  That’s right:  you have to put it together. 

Sometimes the fact that I only paid $100 for a stylish couch makes the 12 hours of actually building the couch totally worth it, but that is not what I am thinking when I reach hour number nine and sweat is dripping off my nose and slat G will not click properly into slat H and it seems I am missing plastic piece J and no one is answering the 800 number for the “Help Line” and I have misplaced the Allen wrench again. 
In that moment, I am thinking I should have just bought a Pottery Barn couch that comes already built and cost $5000.  That is what Visa cards are for. 
At least then I would not have random “extra” metal pieces strewn about my living room floor and young children mocking me with their cruel taunts of “Mommy, you’re still not done yet?”        
My dad and step-mom Nichole have a continuing love affair with all things Ikea.  We fly to visit them and they merrily announce that their local Ikea has free breakfast at 9:30 on Mondays!  Who wants to go? 

Please do not think that I don’t like Ikea, because I do.  It’s just that … well, imagine what breakfast would be like there: 
 
 
 
 
 
MOV

45 comments:

  1. That's just so true about self-assembly furniture, especially when the instructions are only in picture form and have no written words. The idea of the Ikea breakfast is very funny, it almost made me choke on my own breakfast!

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    1. glad I could make you laugh, tigermouse!

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  2. Ha ha! I'd probably HATE Ikea if I didn't have my husband to assemble everything for me :)

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    1. soooooooooo true. the husbands are necessary for us "Ikea-Challenged" girls.......

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  3. LOL! I don't know, after all the talk about what they're finding in the IKEA food, I'm not sure I'd want to eat there, no matter how cheap it might be.

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    1. no horsemeat in lemon cookies, right?

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  4. I LOVE Ikea...but I'm used to building $hit, so just putting it together isn't a big deal. Even if I couldn't put stuff together, I would go just for the meatballs and lingonberry sauce. As a matter of fact, I'd like to go right now. Can you come substitute in my 8th grade classroom? Thanks.

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    1. I am happy to sub for your 8th graders. I only have a 1st and 3rd grader, so 8th grade must be super-easy, right? Kirby? hello???

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  5. Ha! I know so many people who love Ikea. I never understood the whole food thing in a furniture place. The two really should be kept separate, I think. But what do I know? I've never stepped foot in the place.

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    1. yes, food and furniture SEPARATE!!!!! that is why I make my family eat on paper plates on the floor. (less clean up, too)

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  6. Plus if you actually go to an Ikea store you can become seriously lost trying to get back to that piece that you decided you liked and wanted to buy AND you must take it with you if you want to buy it because shipping costs are exorbitant. I've discovered something almost as bad in my area: Office Max online shopping. Sometimes they have free shipping directly to you and you can always get it shipped to the closest store. You can find some great bargains AND it takes just as long to put the cool-looking pieces together. (But I delegate that work to my hubby and daughter and then I praise the heck out of them.)

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    1. I became unjustifiably obsessed with these silver-y luminescent pencils that Office Max sells. I would go online every day for about a week as if I was going to buy some, but then end up not buying them-- they were just too expensive. I wanted to fill a whole glass jar on my desk with them, so it would have been, like, $80.

      Damn those silver-y pencils!

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  7. I love the cheap prices at Ikea, but another reason they are so cheap is because they leave out the handles. Are they trying to save money by not giving you any? Are they saving you time installing them? Is it that "fashion forward" to want to struggle to open drawers with zero grip every time you need a new pair of socks? These things, I just don't know.

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    1. HANDLES?????????? you don't actually *use* your furniture, do you????????

      (*shudder* *gasp*)

      Furniture is meant to just be looked at and obsessed about while we sit on the floor eating our dinner off paper plates and dreaming about clear glass jars of luminescent silver-y pencils from Office Max.

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  8. I love ikea. I once went there with a friend and we acted out scenes in every display based on the style of what we saw. Different characters and the whole bit. Hilarious.

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    1. and this is why you are my new best friend

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  9. You will probably be shocked at this, but I've never been in an Ikea store and I'm not sure I've even looked at a catalog/online. I think maybe I have avoided it because it "seems" too minimalistic or modern for me? Maybe I don't think I'm cool enough? I don't know. But, I do know that putting stuff together with tools is not my strongest skill. I vividly remember my husband, before he was my husband, trying to help me put together a wooden filing cabinet. Oy.

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    1. the question is: do you still have the wooden filing cabinet?

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  10. I've never been inside an IKEA. Although without looking it up I assume the store got its name the same mysterious way you did...

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    1. Intellectuals Keeping Engineering Alive? Hmmmmm.......

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  11. I've never been to IKEA. The closest store is a couple of states over or something. Come to NM IKEA...please? Since they serve free breakfast it might be easier to just move into the store. Sleep on the preassembled couch. No need to redecorate ever because store employees will do it for you!

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    1. I could totally move in there. I almost did, actually, when they were closing at 9 pm and it was 8:55 and I was lost in the pillows aisle.......

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  12. P.S. I feel more beautifuller already.

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    1. beautifuller should totally be a word. totally.

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  13. I have never been to an Ikea but a new one is being built here in Kansas City as we speak. As I am the most inept person in the world as far as putting together unassembled furniture, I will focus on accessories or maybe, breakfast.

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    1. ooooooooooooh, accessories! they are my fave.

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  14. Ha Ha!

    I looove Ikea, love it so much!

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    1. "Ikea" is Swedish for "We brainwash Americans."

      (I love it too.)

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  15. Ha Ha, we recently bought some furniture from IKEA and spent an evening putting together the TV Stand, Coffee Table and armchair (neither of us are DIY enthusiasts).We managed it though, forcing bits together and working well as a team (husband and wife). I find you always great a sense of accomplishment after your done. I never thought we would have to assemble the armchair but we did, I came in 4 pieces?

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    1. I had to put some dining chairs together wrong and ended up in tears with them upside down or backwards or some such. The Husband had to talk me off the ledge.

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  16. I love IKEA and I am one of the three people on Earth who actually enjoy putting the furniture together, but don't ever, EVER go there for breakfast. It's all meatballs and lingonberries and lutefisk and screaming children. Well, unless you like that sort of thing.

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    1. what do screaming children taste like, and how did Ikea get away with putting that on the menu?!

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  17. I live in the rural part of my state and the nearest IKEA is 200 miles west. That is probably a good thing for me. I do love their snack bar...swedish meatballs, yum! Then I hear on the news that they were recalled because they had horsemeat. Is nothing sacred?

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    1. nope, nothing is sacred. but I love them anyway. (In a Swedish sort of cold way)

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  18. "Makes you want to throw away everything you own and start over." You have really and truly summed up exactly how Ikea makes me feel! Two seconds flipping through the catalog and I'm ready to chuck out my grandmother's antique vanity so I can pay $50 for a dresser that will take a whole weekend to assemble and then fall apart within two years.

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    1. two years? try two weeks.......

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  19. Stopping by from the A to Z Challenge. Loved your post. I would pay anything for something I didn't have to put together. I have trouble fastening my necklaces.

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    1. bwahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa!

      totally stealing that line from you in the future somehow.

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  20. P.S. It's been 30 seconds and I am not one bit more beautiful. What's wrong here?

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    1. sometimes it might take 40 to 50 seconds. check again.

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  21. That was a great trip down Memory Lane to the days of flat pack furniture and strange looking screws and other bits and pieces littering the floor for days on end. Glad to know it's the same the world over. I haven't been to IKEA in years. Strangely enough, I haven't missed it one bit.

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    1. you don't miss IKEA?????????? are you not American??????

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  22. I love IKEA. However, after 30 plus years, the only time my husband and I fight is assembling whatever we buy. He is engineering-challenged and I am not. I have a system now. He tries to put it together and then when he has exhausted all of his skills, I come in and offer to help. If he takes my offer, I then am free to assemble to my hearts content. No longer do I start without his accepting my offer to help. No more fighting. We don't have an IKEA close by so when we go there, we do eat the meatballs. They come pre-assembled.

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  23. I was in IKEA once. Something about room in a box made me nervous so I went back to my Salvation Army furniture. At least it comes preassembled.

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When you write a comment, it makes me feel like I won the lottery or at the very least like I ate an ice-cream sundae. (This has nothing to do with the fact that I did just eat an ice-cream sundae.)