MOVarazzi

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

883. I Got Back Together with My First Love

Don’t get me wrong:  I love The Husband.  It’s just … yes, I’ll admit it, I do think about my first love sometimes, especially this time of year.  In fact, if you must know, my first love stopped by the house earlier today. 

When I invited my first love into the kitchen, it was exactly like old times—sweet!  I smile constantly to even think about being near my first love.  My first love is so, well, addictive. 
Then, just like that, my first love was gone.  My first love managed to take all my self-control and self-esteem.  Oh, Sugar, my love!  Come back to me!  How can things be over that fast?  That’s right:  I ate an entire bag of over-priced gourmet cinnamon gummy hearts in less than one hour.  Pure sugar, expensive and delicious, my lifelong obsession.    

Oh, they were so good!  I could not just eat one or two or twelve … I had to have all. 
Now my tummy is sick, sick, sick.  The Husband just got home from work and asked why I was feeling ill, clutching my intestines as if I might throw up at any moment.  My first love caused me to lie to my beloved spouse of a dozen years:  “Sweetie, it must be the flu!” 

But then.  Evidence.  He found the empty candy bag in the trash and walked into the living room where I had been lying on the couch basking in his sympathy. 
“You don’t have the flu!” he laughed while holding the bag up for my inspection.  “You just ate too much sugar.  This always happens.  You have no will power.  Why do you even buy these?” 

My brain flashes back to that day long, long ago (okay, yesterday) when I was working at the high-end kitchen store.  My boss told me to move the left-over Christmas stuff to the sale table and put out the items for our next holiday. 
“Wait—this bag says Valentine’s!” The Husband interrupts my important career reflections.  “Does the high-end kitchen store already have Valentine’s stuff?  It’s only January second!”

I groan, partly because he is right—we are super late this year for putting the Valentine’s merchandise out—and partly because the sugar is affecting all my internal organs including my teeth. 
“I think I feel a new cavity coming on.”  It is my one last stab at sympathy.  Not only does it not have its desired effect, but my new pronouncement garners fresh disdain. 

“Serves you right!  What were you thinking eating all those gummy hearts?” 
I know why he is really mad:  I forgot to save him one.     

MOV
"Mistress Of Valentine's"

18 comments:

  1. I went all crazy on chocolate covered pretzels. Don't feel too bad.

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  2. LOL :) Sugar is a great love of mine too! I won't admit how many bags of Peanut M&M's we went through during the holiday when we filled up our candy bowl (that we only fill up one time a year). Towards the end, before Christmas, when the final bag went into the sleigh candy bowl, I was actually glad to say goodbye to my friend for this year (Christmas is about the only time I buy candy/chocolate :)

    betty

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    1. Christmas sorta gives us permission to do that, though, right?

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  3. I thought your first love came to your home and gave you candy. Then I was like....this post is crazy, what is she doing inviting this cretin into her husband's kitchen! What will her hubby say if he reads this post? But I reread and finally understood....Haahaahaa, it was about candy. Mmmmm, the power of candy.

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    1. yes, candy.......... candy is more powerful than love.

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  4. I remember my first love (okay maybe my 27th love) MOV who used to stop by my blog from time to time. Sigh.

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    1. Silly Tuna, I do stop by! I am your cyber-stalker! And every word you write is hilarious, so why do you not write every single day?!

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  5. I feel your pain MOV, Candy isn't my thing but I have no willpower against baked goods. Yes, I was a total tramp in my youth. Never faithful to just fresh baked bread, but cheated repeatedly with cookies, pies and cakes. Back then there was no guilt on my part. I used them up and didn't look back. (I know...I was a total carb slut) Now we have a love/hate relationship. I occasionally cheat and step out with one (or a dozen) and those vindictive baked goodies pay me back by showing up on my butt. They are no longer welcome in my home.

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    1. "cheated with cookies, pies, and cakes"-- love it!

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  6. My addiction is sugar/chocolate as well I bought some sees candies for friends and then bought myself my own box with just my favorite picks they let you do that in the store so I do not have to bite one just to see what is inside and claim it as my own BUT....I hid the box and that was only after I ate half of it in one night then when I went looking for gifts I found it and panic so ate them all and claimed it was from last year errr ummm yep Hi MY NAME IS JANICE and I AM AN ADDICT of sugar!! you are welcomed to attend meetings at my house where i will host with yummy chocolate bon bons i mean carrots & celery!!!

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    1. Oh, See's! I went into the See's factory store where they make it in LA, it was heaven!!!!!!!

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  7. I hope this isn't awkward and all but since you are no longer seeing your first love anymore, and have moved on and got married, would it be OK if I started seeing these gummy hearts? I think I would really hit it off with them.

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    1. Christian, I absolutely know you would hit it off. After thinking it over and trying to move beyond the initial awkwardness of the situation (you going after my first love), I have decided that it is perfectly fine. I grant you my permission and give you my (sugar-coated) blessing.

      **Please be warned that the gummy hearts will only cause havoc and heartache and future root canals ... but if you can handle it, they are all yours!

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  8. Oh! I love those hearts! Anything cinnamon and gummy can get me to eat a whole bag without even thinking. Maybe that's the problem- not thinking.

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    1. yummmmmmmm. And if the bag is small-ish, then possibly two bags, right? Because a small bag is actually like half a bag.

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  9. I would feel bad for you if I wasn't so hurt that you were with MY first love!!!!!!!!! Chewy candy! I thought we had something. . . . . Have to go sob uncontrollably. Maybe I'll eat a bag of werthers caramels in revenge. .

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    1. Caramel is a good revenge (until they get all caught up in your molars.....)

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When you write a comment, it makes me feel like I won the lottery or at the very least like I ate an ice-cream sundae. (This has nothing to do with the fact that I did just eat an ice-cream sundae.)