MOVarazzi

Thursday, January 24, 2013

895. Stalker Sends Art



This package arrives in the mail yesterday, and it is not from LLBean, Amazon, etsy, Lego.com nor any of the usual suspects. 

It is from a blogger. 
I carefully open it up and am amazed to find this incredible piece of art, very David Hockney-esque (you know, if David Hockney made ocean collages instead of roads and deserts and swimming pools), and I gasp. 

Literally, gasp.  Someone I have never met (and have not sent money to) mailed me art!  WOW!  
Now, I must give you a bit of the backstory here.  Lillian Connelly (the artist/ blogger extraordinaire in question) recently posted a very kind review of me and my writing on her blog.  I sent her a thank you note.  Next thing you know--voila!  She sends me art! 
So I immediately drove over to the Smithsonian and of course they wanted the collage.   
“Yes, absolutely, we are very interested in it,” said the Director of Acquisitions.  “It is phenomenal.” 

I didn’t really want to donate or sell it to the Smithsonian, I just wanted validation that it was worth millions. 
“Millions,  without a doubt,” chimed in the Appraiser.  “You have a very special piece on your hands.” 

I nodded and turned to leave.  I was going to frame it and hang it in my dining room, the one place my children are not allowed to kick soccer balls. 
“Where do you think you are going?” inquired the Supervisor of Security.  “You may not leave the building with that piece.”  He reached over like he was going to grab it from me. 

Right then, the Museum Curator intervened.  “Don’t touch the art!” she screeched.  “Keep excess fingerprints off of it!” 
“I am taking it home,” I clarified, “and I promise I will wear gloves at all times.”  It was a lie and they knew it. 

“I hate to tell you this, Madam MOV, but we had a verbal agreement,” said the Attorney of Museumish Affairs. 
Then he pressed a button on his iPhone and a voice that sounded eerily like mine started rambling:  "I have a piece of art that you might be interested in.  I am considering donating it to you as a tax write-off, or (insert nervous giggle here) if you want to provide me with, say, a year's supply of Target's Ritter Dark Chocolate with Marzipan, that might be what I would consider a fair trade."  
The room went silent.  Just then, a uniformed guard knocked on the door.  He and a helper were struggling to push a large industrial dolly with six wooden crates marked Ritter.  "Your chocolate, Madam." 
“A deal’s a deal,” declared the Director of Acquisitions, a petite woman who I was liking less by the second.  “You have your preferred payment, and now we get the art.” 
Fast forward to me sitting in my dining room gazing at the mermaid collage. 

I had laughed at the Smithsonian, laughed in their faces.  (Only six crates of chocolate?  That wouldn’t be enough to get me through the week.) 

MOV
"Museums Of Vision"

P.S.  A HUGE thank you to Lillian of It's A Dome Life for the gorgeous collage (and readers, FYI:  she does sell them).  Lillian, you rock! 

42 comments:

  1. I have grown quite fond of your story telling. Not only do the most amazing things happen to you but you remember every detail to share with us.

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    1. I knew you would appreciate my story! I mean, my memoir.

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  2. Oooh, that is fabulous art! I cannot believe there were only six crates...and of a size that could fit in one trip!

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    1. Hand dolly, indeed. I need a truck! or two!

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  3. So thank you notes really do pay off. Very cool of Lillian.
    Glad you didn't give in to the pressure over at the Smithsonian. Tricky little bastards taping you.

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    1. I know, right? (does MY iPhone do that taping thing?)

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  4. Lovely collage and great story. But really, where would you store all the chocolate necessary for an entire year? It would fill my entire apartment!

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    1. That is the beauty of it: I would store a lot of it in the car.

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  5. Oooh, that's so pretty! And their chocolate-eating measurements must be WAY off. They need to do some recalculation for proper payment. Perhaps you could offer your services as a test subject to more accurately judge the chocolate consumption of the average art lover?

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    1. couse, you are very clever. i will have to suggest that to the Smithsonian.

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  6. You know, this might start a trend. If stalkers sent art instead of creepy notes about slicing and dicing then more people would probably like to have stalkers. It could become a multi-hundred dollar industry.

    Also, I've never trusted the Smithsonian anyway. What museum in their right mind would let people in for free???

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    1. HA!!!! YES! People *would* want stalkers (as long as they were artistically gifted stalkers, or, let's not be too picky, as long as they could bake. Picasso paintings, Top Chef style cakes, either/or).

      As for the Smithsonian: my sister lets people in her house for free. Take an important lesson from me: I charge people to come into my house. This includes repair people and my husband. My bank account now has several dozen dollars in it due to this awesome strategy.

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  7. Thank you so much for making sure my art is worth millions instead of worth 20's like I secretly suspected. What a relief!

    Just so your readers know, I have been known to accept chocolate in the form of payment as well as any kind of cleaning service the buyer is willing to provide. I would probably sell a kidney to someone who promised to wash my dishes for the rest of my life. I keep hoping to get the attention of a stalker that breaks into houses and cleans things. Fame is such a fickle thing. It's hard to find good stalkers these days.

    Thank you for sharing my art. I appreciate that. I totally feel like a rock-star today!

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    1. You ARE a rock star! Thank you for the collage!!!

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  8. What an amazing piece of art, and the people at the Smithsonian are FOOLS.

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  9. Lillian is one of the most creative, most talented people I've ever been happy to stalk...and she led me to you, so watch out now. ;)

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    1. Aw, shucks. Mutual lovefest all around. ;)

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  10. A really cute story that spotlights a really creative blogger. But, hey, you should't have to worry about storing chocolate. I can store it at my place.

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    1. Thanks, Kittie! (You *will* give it back though, right? Kittie? Kittie?)

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  11. It's nice to know the Smithsonian appreciates good art. Those idiots at The Louvre totally turned down my sculptures of "The Silence of the Lambs" characters I made out of beef stick.

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    1. Oh, those admin people at the Louvre. Do you want me to talk to them for you?

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  12. *sigh* darn it, MOV, you get all the GOOD stalkers. Mine just used to send me those cut-out-of-magaizine notes, mostly regarding tubas.

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    1. uhhh, tubas. now you are scaring me.

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  13. Awww! Lillian is such a sweetie! And, you got my favorite of her mermaid pictures!

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  14. What an awesome deal to receive such nice art in the mail!

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  15. What a nice surprise and pretty painting.

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    1. I know! Totally made my day (week/ month/ year-- you get the idea).

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  16. That is a nice painting! Have you found a place for it yet on your walls? Had to laugh about your story :)

    betty

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    1. Thanks, Betty! I have not hung it up yet (want to put it in a pretty frame first), but I did take a photograph of it and make it the screensaver on my phone.

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  17. Oh my, I'm jealous! I would love to hang that on my wall!

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    1. She sells them! Go look at her website! (Or you can just buy one from the Smithsonian........)

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  18. Mrs. Tuna has zero art skills, she can only draw little cubes since that is all her engineering brain allows her to do. Off to sharpen my crayons.

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    1. you never know when little cubes might come in handy....

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  19. Mine is way better. It looks exactly the same but plays Chopin. And tells me I'm pretty.

    Now wheredidIput that wine??

    Lillian rocks.

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When you write a comment, it makes me feel like I won the lottery or at the very least like I ate an ice-cream sundae. (This has nothing to do with the fact that I did just eat an ice-cream sundae.)