When I invited
my first love into the kitchen, it was exactly like old times—sweet! I smile constantly to even think about being near
my first love. My first love is so, well,
addictive.
Then, just
like that, my first love was gone. My
first love managed to take all my self-control and self-esteem. Oh, Sugar, my love! Come back to me! How can things be over that fast? That’s right:
I ate an entire bag of over-priced gourmet cinnamon
gummy hearts in less than one hour.
Pure sugar, expensive and delicious, my lifelong obsession.
Oh, they
were so good! I could not just eat one
or two or twelve … I had to have all.
Now my tummy
is sick, sick, sick. The Husband just
got home from work and asked why I was feeling ill, clutching my intestines as
if I might throw up at any moment. My
first love caused me to lie to my beloved spouse of a dozen years: “Sweetie, it must be the flu!”
But then. Evidence. He found the empty candy bag in the trash and
walked into the living room where I had been lying on the couch basking in his
sympathy.
“You don’t
have the flu!” he laughed while holding the bag up for my inspection. “You just ate too much sugar. This always happens. You have no will power. Why do you even buy these?”
My brain
flashes back to that day long, long ago (okay, yesterday) when I was working at
the high-end kitchen store. My boss told
me to move the left-over Christmas stuff to the sale table and put out the
items for our next holiday.
“Wait—this bag
says Valentine’s!” The Husband interrupts my important career reflections. “Does the high-end kitchen store already have
Valentine’s stuff? It’s only January
second!”
I groan,
partly because he is right—we are super late this year for putting the
Valentine’s merchandise out—and partly because the sugar is affecting all my
internal organs including my teeth.
“I think I
feel a new cavity coming on.” It is my one
last stab at sympathy. Not only does it
not have its desired effect, but my new pronouncement garners fresh disdain.
“Serves you
right! What were you thinking eating all
those gummy hearts?”
I know why
he is really mad: I forgot to save him
one.
MOV
"Mistress Of Valentine's"
"Mistress Of Valentine's"
I went all crazy on chocolate covered pretzels. Don't feel too bad.
ReplyDeletewhew, I am not the only one!
DeleteLOL :) Sugar is a great love of mine too! I won't admit how many bags of Peanut M&M's we went through during the holiday when we filled up our candy bowl (that we only fill up one time a year). Towards the end, before Christmas, when the final bag went into the sleigh candy bowl, I was actually glad to say goodbye to my friend for this year (Christmas is about the only time I buy candy/chocolate :)
ReplyDeletebetty
Christmas sorta gives us permission to do that, though, right?
DeleteI thought your first love came to your home and gave you candy. Then I was like....this post is crazy, what is she doing inviting this cretin into her husband's kitchen! What will her hubby say if he reads this post? But I reread and finally understood....Haahaahaa, it was about candy. Mmmmm, the power of candy.
ReplyDeleteyes, candy.......... candy is more powerful than love.
DeleteI remember my first love (okay maybe my 27th love) MOV who used to stop by my blog from time to time. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteSilly Tuna, I do stop by! I am your cyber-stalker! And every word you write is hilarious, so why do you not write every single day?!
DeleteI feel your pain MOV, Candy isn't my thing but I have no willpower against baked goods. Yes, I was a total tramp in my youth. Never faithful to just fresh baked bread, but cheated repeatedly with cookies, pies and cakes. Back then there was no guilt on my part. I used them up and didn't look back. (I know...I was a total carb slut) Now we have a love/hate relationship. I occasionally cheat and step out with one (or a dozen) and those vindictive baked goodies pay me back by showing up on my butt. They are no longer welcome in my home.
ReplyDelete"cheated with cookies, pies, and cakes"-- love it!
DeleteMy addiction is sugar/chocolate as well I bought some sees candies for friends and then bought myself my own box with just my favorite picks they let you do that in the store so I do not have to bite one just to see what is inside and claim it as my own BUT....I hid the box and that was only after I ate half of it in one night then when I went looking for gifts I found it and panic so ate them all and claimed it was from last year errr ummm yep Hi MY NAME IS JANICE and I AM AN ADDICT of sugar!! you are welcomed to attend meetings at my house where i will host with yummy chocolate bon bons i mean carrots & celery!!!
ReplyDeleteOh, See's! I went into the See's factory store where they make it in LA, it was heaven!!!!!!!
DeleteI hope this isn't awkward and all but since you are no longer seeing your first love anymore, and have moved on and got married, would it be OK if I started seeing these gummy hearts? I think I would really hit it off with them.
ReplyDeleteChristian, I absolutely know you would hit it off. After thinking it over and trying to move beyond the initial awkwardness of the situation (you going after my first love), I have decided that it is perfectly fine. I grant you my permission and give you my (sugar-coated) blessing.
Delete**Please be warned that the gummy hearts will only cause havoc and heartache and future root canals ... but if you can handle it, they are all yours!
Oh! I love those hearts! Anything cinnamon and gummy can get me to eat a whole bag without even thinking. Maybe that's the problem- not thinking.
ReplyDeleteyummmmmmmm. And if the bag is small-ish, then possibly two bags, right? Because a small bag is actually like half a bag.
DeleteI would feel bad for you if I wasn't so hurt that you were with MY first love!!!!!!!!! Chewy candy! I thought we had something. . . . . Have to go sob uncontrollably. Maybe I'll eat a bag of werthers caramels in revenge. .
ReplyDeleteCaramel is a good revenge (until they get all caught up in your molars.....)
Delete