I do as I am
told, and now I have a big box of dusty pinecones in my basement. They have been there for three years on the
off chance that I will buy some silver spray paint and get to work.
“MOV, buy that
label maker,” she whispers the next time we are at Target. “You can label the shelves of all your
cabinets and the linen closet especially.
Sheets, pillows, laundry detergent—you know, so your husband will put
things back in the right spot?”
I dutifully
put the label maker into the cart. Later
when I get home, the label maker languishes in a bag near the pinecones.
“She won’t
use you either!” a Pine Cone laughs at Label Maker. Label Maker responds hopefully, “That’s not
true, she did at least get out the instruction book.”
“Don’t throw
those seashells away!” my internal Martha screeches the next week when I am out
in the garage looking for some light bulbs.
I have just picked up a bin of seashells, debating whether to throw them
away or donate them. We had collected them
on a beach vacation five years ago with the intention of buying a glass
lamp and filling it with the shells.
“So the lamp
thing didn’t exactly work out. Who
cares? You could still get a nice mirror at a
thrift store for about ten bucks and glue gun the shells to the perimeter,
and then add some decorative grosgrain ribbon around the trim. It will be easy!”
I
agree. It does sound easy. And I have been meaning to buy a glue gun. And grosgrain ribbon.
“By the way,
not to be bossy or anything, but you should really keep light bulbs in the house,
not the garage. Maybe on a shelf in the
linen closet. Labeled.”
She’s always
there, reminding me that things will be easy or that they should be glue gunned
or spray painted or ribboned or labeled.
“I
know, MOV! Let’s string together popcorn and
dried cranberries!” she bellowed at Christmas.
“Why don’t you needlepoint your own ornaments! And it’s easy to embroider your monogram on
your apron and some small pillows! You
could make hundreds of custom orders and sell them on etsy! Let’s do it!”
I like the
idea of stringing popcorn. I buy the
special string. And who wouldn’t want
their initials monogramed on their apron or a small pillow? Of course I would love to make some extra
money on etsy selling these simple and not at all time-consuming crafts.
This
morning, I accidentally chip a plate as I am washing it. As I hold it up to assess the damage, I
notice a hairline crack spreading across the radius of the plate. It clearly belongs in the trash.
“Nooooo!”
she screams, blocking me from getting to the trash can. “You can break that plate all the way and use
the pieces to make mosaics!”
I sort of
knew she’d say that.
MOV
Martha, Jillian Michaels, Margaret Mead, and several other judgy ladies need to get out of my head too. In a related note, I once labeled all of my kids' drawers so that my husband could put stuff away in the right place. He just made fun of me and STILL put stuff in the wrong place inadvertently. The man is a college graduate and can't follow simple labels!!!
ReplyDeleteahhhhh, the labels. I do love them.
DeleteLOL. I try to stay away from her or other crafters or clever people with decorations, cooking shows, you name it. It looks good when they are doing it, but never when I try the same thing. I think we are all guilty of having a few things that could be sold at garage sales that we bought on a bit of an impulse :)
ReplyDeletehave a great day!
betty
That is the thing about Martha: she makes us all want to be our best selves (you know, if our best selves had oodles of free time and extra cash to devote to that stuff, instead of "wasting" our time on things like laundry and errands).
Delete*Big sigh*
I'll bet if I had minions do to my housework, gardening, cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc., I could make some rockin' crafts, too. Don't worry, MOV. You've shared enough photos of your house for me to know you don't really need a pinecone wreath or seashell frame. Tell Martha to go find someone else to pester. :-)
ReplyDeleteAha, Couse, you hit the nail on the head! she has a staff! I need a staff!
DeleteYes, I had to go cold turkey and empty my craft closet--yes, a whole closet full of unfinished crafts--into the dumpster. She hardly ever speaks to me anymore. What a relief.
ReplyDeleteYou are my new hero.
DeleteIf Martha got in my head I just might shoot myself.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
Oh, Janie, if only it were that simple.
DeleteBwahahaha! I just gave my mother my pinecone wreath that I made about 15 years ago (that hasn't seen the light of day in at least 12)...I also have one lonely bowl that has been waiting for a very long time to realize its true potential as a mosaic...a mosaic what though? Trivet? The problem for me is that Martha is smushed for space in my head because former preschool employee lives up there too! Just got rid of all of my formula cans last year...my youngest is 12!
ReplyDeleteAndrea, so glad I am not the only one!
DeleteWe could all be like Martha if we had a bunch of people working for us, thinking up all that stuff. Pretty sure Martha doesn't clean up after the crafts, either. (Wonder if she bedazzled her ankle monitor, back in the day?)
ReplyDeleteBingo! But those cakes she makes sure look good......
DeleteHilarious. You should SEE my shelves of craft crap, which I have no idea how I'm ever going to use.
ReplyDeleteWow, and this coming from an artist?!? Stephanie, I give you permission to keep it all. You at least have a reason. :)
DeleteHaha! I'm so glad Martha doesn't get in my head like that!
ReplyDeleteWhat is your secret, Stacie??
DeleteMOV, I didn't know we had a mutual friend! Martha is always telling me to do things like that, too. She is so crafty. I have a box of broken plate pieces hoarded away for a future mosaic, all because of Martha. A friend (who doesn't know Martha) was throwing them away when she cleaned out her apartment. Luckily, dear Martha was nearby to tell me to pick them up and take them home. "You know what they say," she said. "One girl's trash is another girl's giant box of sharp ceramic shards."
ReplyDelete"You know what they say," she said. "One girl's trash is another girl's giant box of sharp ceramic shards."
DeleteBest. Line. Ever. Might have to re-write and re-work that entire essay to use your perfect line in there.
Dammit, Haley. I hate it when the comments are better than my blog post!
xxo
MOV
I have the pine cones in my basement too (they are begging to be released into the wild) and that is why I stopped getting the Martha Stewart magazine. After I saw her Granddaughters simple yet tasteful (over the top) birthday party I banned her from my house for life.
ReplyDeleteOh, my Lord, yes I saw Jude's birthday party too. Wowza. Those beautiful and flawless frosted animal cookies. The handknit clothes. The elegant decorations. I thought Martha Stewart lived in my head, but she obviously lives in Neiman Marcus.
DeleteMy Martha had a concussion.
ReplyDeleteOh, I hope she is feeling better soon! Knit your puppy a sweater and matching hat, and then you will know she's back!
DeleteI have a Martha in my head, too! Most of the time I can ignore her, but occasionally she takes over and makes me do stuff. The shell-covered frame she convinced me to make turned out to be one of the tackiest things ever created using hot glue.
ReplyDeleteHa! I'll bet it is beautiful.........
DeleteI had Martha to blame for those moldy horse chestnuts I saved and a bunch of other crap collecting dust in my house. Then I realized that all I had to do was get my inner Feng Shui ninja to brawl with my inner Martha and all that junk went out to decorate the trash can.
ReplyDeleteoh, I totally want to use that in a future blog post: Inner Feng Shui ninja! Awesome!!!!!!
DeleteOMG. I feel your pain, sister. I just wrestled this weekend with a paper grocery bag full of wine corks. They'll make a lovely trivet. Or backsplash. Or something. Whenever I get around to it. And yes, it is still sitting in my pantry, despite the rational part of my brain telling me to just throw it out.
ReplyDelete*sigh*
Damn corks. You know Martha would have already tiled her patio with them.........
DeleteI'm gonna have to boot my internal Martha SteWART in the head. She keeps saying similar things to me and now my friends and family are starting to make rumbles about hoarding and how I should throw away about half a ton of ugly trash. Thanks, Martha. It would be easy for me too if I had all those well-paid assistants to do the bludgeoningly boring work for me too...:o)
ReplyDeleteSee, Heidi? This is how it starts. The pinecones are just the gateway drug to popsicle stick art and then the next thing you know, you are picking up people's old couches off the side of the road because you suddenly think you have the skill set and the time to "reupholster it in, like, a weekend." No. You don't.
Delete