I do as I am told, and now I have a big box of dusty pinecones in my basement. They have been there for three years on the off chance that I will buy some silver spray paint and get to work.“MOV, buy that label maker,” she whispers the next time we are at Target. “You can label the shelves of all your cabinets and the linen closet especially. Sheets, pillows, laundry detergent—you know, so your husband will put things back in the right spot?”
I dutifully put the label maker into the cart. Later when I get home, the label maker languishes in a bag near the pinecones.“She won’t use you either!” a Pine Cone laughs at Label Maker. Label Maker responds hopefully, “That’s not true, she did at least get out the instruction book.”
“Don’t throw those seashells away!” my internal Martha screeches the next week when I am out in the garage looking for some light bulbs. I have just picked up a bin of seashells, debating whether to throw them away or donate them. We had collected them on a beach vacation five years ago with the intention of buying a glass lamp and filling it with the shells.“So the lamp thing didn’t exactly work out. Who cares? You could still get a nice mirror at a thrift store for about ten bucks and glue gun the shells to the perimeter, and then add some decorative grosgrain ribbon around the trim. It will be easy!”
I agree. It does sound easy. And I have been meaning to buy a glue gun. And grosgrain ribbon.“By the way, not to be bossy or anything, but you should really keep light bulbs in the house, not the garage. Maybe on a shelf in the linen closet. Labeled.”
She’s always there, reminding me that things will be easy or that they should be glue gunned or spray painted or ribboned or labeled.“I know, MOV! Let’s string together popcorn and dried cranberries!” she bellowed at Christmas. “Why don’t you needlepoint your own ornaments! And it’s easy to embroider your monogram on your apron and some small pillows! You could make hundreds of custom orders and sell them on etsy! Let’s do it!”
I like the idea of stringing popcorn. I buy the special string. And who wouldn’t want their initials monogramed on their apron or a small pillow? Of course I would love to make some extra money on etsy selling these simple and not at all time-consuming crafts.This morning, I accidentally chip a plate as I am washing it. As I hold it up to assess the damage, I notice a hairline crack spreading across the radius of the plate. It clearly belongs in the trash.
“Nooooo!” she screams, blocking me from getting to the trash can. “You can break that plate all the way and use the pieces to make mosaics!”I sort of knew she’d say that.