MOVarazzi

Thursday, February 9, 2012

661. Direct TV Is Mean

As you may remember, The Husband and I were exploring options for saving money by doing without unnecessary things, things like food, water, and cable. (Just kidding about the cable.)

I called Direct TV and spoke to their Customer Service Specialist (not Representative, Specialist) about cutting back on some of our service options (come back and read THAT POST later). Anyway, we determined that I could save eleventy gazillion dollars if I got rid of almost all of our channels.  I told them we had to keep Cartoon Network and HGTV. 

The Husband, of course, freaked out right away. “We MUST have sports,” he said, like someone (normal) might say air to breathe, “sports are a non-negotiable.”

Funny, turns out sports were, in fact, very negotiable, as Zaprana and I had just negotiated sports away. I had to call Direct TV right back and speak with Daniel about reinstating sports.

Crisis averted. Later that evening, I settled in with a nice bowl of popcorn and a glass of white wine, ready to watch the almost-season finale of Top Chef. Imagine my horror (yes, that’s the right word) when I clicked on 273 and the screen was black, except for a little box in the lower right corner that read, “Channel Unavailable.”

Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no. I started hyperventilating like I was on an airplane that was nose-diving into the Pacific Ocean. Okay, that’s an exaggeration: Atlantic Ocean.

My show was scheduled to start in 15 minutes, how was I going to fix this catastrophe?! I dialed the (by now memorized) number and spoke with Tiffany. She assured me that she could fix the problem and add the Bravo Channel to my existing plan that Zaprana had set up for me, which as you may recall, was The Skeleton. After speaking with Daniel earlier, I was already up to the Bronze Plan, and now this latest chat with Tiffany was pushing me into (most likely) Platinum territory.

“Tiffany, I don’t care what it costs, get me Top Chef.”

“Yes, ma’am, no problem.” I could hear much clicking of keys and much draining of my bank account. “Try the channel now.”

I did as instructed, and felt vaguely illicit, as if Tiffany had just suggested I meet her on a street corner with a briefcase full of unmarked bills. “Yes, yes … I see it … yes, it’s back!  They're making pancakes for Pee Wee Herman!” It took every fiber of my self-restraint to not leap up and scream for joy.

I hung up on Tiffany so I could watch my beloved Chef-testants compete for the ultimate title of Top Chef top four.

The thrill of this moment would wear off soon enough. The very next morning, to be precise.  

I turned on the TV, innocently enough, to Boomerang so the kids could watch some cartoons (hey, TV police, it was NOT a school day! Okay, so it was actually a school day). Imagine my dismay when I noticed the channel name was in faded light blue (instead of the normal dark blue) on the menu option selection, and black all together when I clicked on it. There was that dreaded message again: “Channel Unavailable.”

Here’s the deal, Direct TV: if I cannot have a channel because I am too cheap to pay for it, I do not want to see any reminder of it! Do not leave a ghost version of the channel behind to mock me (“Oh, if you only had more money, you could have these channels, too! Ha! Too bad you don’t!”).

My sons and I have long chats about a scary issue in school called bullies. Bullies are mean, and bullies taunt people for no reason. That’s right:  Direct TV, you are a bully.

MOV

12 comments:

  1. Yeah, and Duirect TV takes your lunch money to be nice to you!

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  2. It's important to stand up to bullies. Good for you! By writing this blog post, I'm sure you're making sure that they change their policies. We actually don't have cable. Not because we're smug people who don't watch TV. But because we were too poor when we first started living together, and then we just got out of the habit of cable television. Now, we can watch pretty much anything we want on the network websites. The only show that we can't watch is The Walking Dead. This makes me sad. But we just buy it on DVD as soon as it's available and then have a zombie marathon.

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    1. I did not own a TV (by choice) for 10 years. From age 18--28. I look back at those (Amish-like) years and thing, WAS I CRAZY??????

      actually, I did a lot of fun things, things like read, travel, hang out with friends, exercise. Now I do those same things, but with House Hunters or Top Chef on in the background.........

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  3. The Scouser and I have said for years that we wished cable companies would sell you channels a la carte. That way, for one fee (presumably on top of the basic cable fee), you could pick Bravo, Boomerang, and ESPN (for example) instead of having to buy different "levels" of programming with channels that you may not like or watch. I'm not technically savvy enough to know if that's even possible, but I think it would be great!

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    1. that is genius. that is the plan I want, the build-your-own plan. I would pick Bravo, HGTV, a couple kid channels, sports for The Husband, and maybe IFC. This stands for Independent Film Channel and has the funniest tv show on the planet: Portlandia, which is a sketch comedy show like Saturday Night Live. Hilarious. Unfortunately, the Direct TV people did not tell me I would be losing that channel. *sigh*

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  4. I believe I have been down that same road a time or two and yes, anything that has TV its title believes that it owns us, which they do, but they should still not take advantage of situations like this. Hooray for HGTV!

    Love your blog...it is amazingly funny!

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    1. thank you! love yours too! readers, check out her blog, click on her link-- hilarious!!!

      xxo
      MOV

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  5. This made me giggle.

    I'd be panicking if I were about to miss Lost. When it was on, that is. One time the power went out in the middle and I about lost it.

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    1. OMG, The Husband was obsessed with Lost. Beyond obsessed. It's all he talked about, Hurley this, Sawyer that, John Locke, Juliet, Jack, lottery numbers, the Others, flashbacks, gah-- my head would spin. Kinda glad the show is not on anymore, I get to see The Husband once in a while on Thursday nights now.........

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  6. Funny stuff....the opposite can be true as well. Like most men, I'm a sucker for people in sales and gadgets, i.e. gun, car, boat, gaming systems,tv's etc. So when I upgrade our cable services, channels, wireless boxes, etc. the sweet wife,who takes care of the bills, comes home and always says, "and how much is "THAT" going to cost?" Keep in mind, I didn't say anything when she had to have the Flavia coffee machine inwhich each packet of coffee,costs like a gazillion bucks.

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When you write a comment, it makes me feel like I won the lottery or at the very least like I ate an ice-cream sundae. (This has nothing to do with the fact that I did just eat an ice-cream sundae.)