819. My Ultra-Helpful Computer

New Computer is very, very polite.  I requested a polite one this time around.  The last one I had was like a temperamental old coot from the grocery store—you know, the type who graciously lets you go ahead of him in line because you only have three things, but then accuses you of stealing his strawberries. 

Yeah, my last computer was like that. 

Old Computer did not know a spam filter from a can of Spam.  Old Computer lived for pop-up ads, thought they were “fun” and “informational.”  Old Computer was so slow that I frequently thought our pet gerbil might have gotten in the hard drive and had babies.  We do not own a pet gerbil. 

When Old Computer finally died last year, there was no pity party, no funeral, no wake.  Just pure joy and immense relief.  No more quirkiness of sometimes retrieving documents and sometimes speaking only in Cambodian.  No more forgetfulness when it came to where my photos were stored or how many emails I had sent this very morning.  Old Computer was dead, which meant we were forced to get an upgrade. 

New Computer arrived, and the first thing he said was, “I do not believe in pop-ups.”  Oh, it was love at first site (pun intended). 

But, even though New Computer promised to banish the pop-ups, he was searching for my constant approval.  In the middle of me looking up crucial things like whether or not Daryl Hannah has had plastic surgery (she has), New Computer would say,

“I blocked a pop-up for you!” 

It was like a little puppy that you had taught to do a simple trick like fetch the ball, and even when you did not want to play ball (like for example, if you were sleeping) the puppy would still fetch the ball, saying,

“Look at me!  I am a great puppy!  You did not even know you wanted the ball, but guess what—I brought it to you!” 

That is what New Computer does. 

“There was a pop-up!  I got it!  No worries!  You do not have to read it because I already blocked it!  I am ON IT.  Oh, did you want to see it?  It is about rhinoplasty.  There is also an ad about Botox, I can certainly let you see it if you are interested after all, because you are the boss.” 

Then New Computer sits there, waiting … waiting for me to affirm that he is a very good (very good!) computer, such a good computer, and no I do not need to see the pop-up that he blocked. 

I wasted more time being distracted by the band across the bottom of my screen (“Pop-up blocked!  Allow?  Allow once for this site?  Never allow for this site?”) just like that annoying ticker tape that runs along the bottom of the CNN screen (“Wall Street drops 50 points … Mets win playoffs … Radio bandit turns himself in …”).  So much time wasted.  I almost miss the pop-ups.  They were not nearly this distracting.   

I just want to surf the sites I am interested in and have New Computer do his job (block the pop-ups) and not have to tell me about it every 15 seconds.  Just do your damn job, New Computer.   

I think I will make sure my next computer is fluent in Karate.  That way, he can give a judo chop to the offending ads, and then step back into the shadows, Buddha-like, waiting for the next one.

MOV