MOVarazzi

Monday, July 23, 2012

819. My Ultra-Helpful Computer

New Computer is very, very polite.  I requested a polite one this time around.  The last one I had was like a temperamental old coot from the grocery store—you know, the type who graciously lets you go ahead of him in line because you only have three things, but then accuses you of stealing his strawberries. 

Yeah, my last computer was like that. 
Old Computer did not know a spam filter from a can of Spam.  Old Computer lived for pop-up ads, thought they were “fun” and “informational.”  Old Computer was so slow that I frequently thought our pet gerbil might have gotten in the hard drive and had babies.  We do not own a pet gerbil. 

When Old Computer finally died last year, there was no pity party, no funeral, no wake.  Just pure joy and immense relief.  No more quirkiness of sometimes retrieving documents and sometimes speaking only in Cambodian.  No more forgetfulness when it came to where my photos were stored or how many emails I had sent this very morning.  Old Computer was dead, which meant we were forced to get an upgrade. 
New Computer arrived, and the first thing he said was, “I do not believe in pop-ups.”  Oh, it was love at first site (pun intended). 

But, even though New Computer promised to banish the pop-ups, he was searching for my constant approval.  In the middle of me looking up crucial things like whether or not Daryl Hannah has had plastic surgery (she has), New Computer would say,
“I blocked a pop-up for you!” 
It was like a little puppy that you had taught to do a simple trick like fetch the ball, and even when you did not want to play ball (like for example, if you were sleeping) the puppy would still fetch the ball, saying,
“Look at me!  I am a great puppy!  You did not even know you wanted the ball, but guess what—I brought it to you!” 
That is what New Computer does. 

“There was a pop-up!  I got it!  No worries!  You do not have to read it because I already blocked it!  I am ON IT.  Oh, did you want to see it?  It is about rhinoplasty.  There is also an ad about Botox, I can certainly let you see it if you are interested after all, because you are the boss.” 

Then New Computer sits there, waiting … waiting for me to affirm that he is a very good (very good!) computer, such a good computer, and no I do not need to see the pop-up that he blocked. 
I wasted more time being distracted by the band across the bottom of my screen (“Pop-up blocked!  Allow?  Allow once for this site?  Never allow for this site?”) just like that annoying ticker tape that runs along the bottom of the CNN screen (“Wall Street drops 50 points … Mets win playoffs … Radio bandit turns himself in …”).  So much time wasted.  I almost miss the pop-ups.  They were not nearly this distracting.   

I just want to surf the sites I am interested in and have New Computer do his job (block the pop-ups) and not have to tell me about it every 15 seconds.  Just do your damn job, New Computer.   

I think I will make sure my next computer is fluent in Karate.  That way, he can give a judo chop to the offending ads, and then step back into the shadows, Buddha-like, waiting for the next one.
MOV

23 comments:

  1. I'm still laughing! My computer is a cross between the two ;)

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  2. My new computer doesn't interrupt like that. My new computer is obviously superior to your new computer, just as my children are superior to everyone else's.

    Love,
    Janie

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  3. My computer is like New Computer, when it's not inviting strangers over to borrow my old, abandoned email addresses to send Viagra ads to people I haven't talked to in 10 years.

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  4. MY NEW COMPUTER IS GREAT UNTIL I WANT TO DO ANYTHING WITH MY PICTURES THEN IT BECOMES AN ANNOYING MONSTER WITH POP UPS LETTIN ME KNOW THAT I NO LONGER HAVE MOBILE ME YAH WHO CARES I NEVER USED IT TO BEGIN WITH GET OUT OF MY WAY I WANT TO SHOOT THERE IT IS AGAIN UGH...

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  5. We're waiting for our Old Computer to die. It's so loud at this point that we don't turn it on unless it's something very important. My mum came over to visit my grandma upstairs the other day and stopped by here first. After about twenty minutes, she said "I can't believe she's STILL vacuuming! She was supposed to ready when I got here!" Nope, not the central vac - it was my computer.

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    1. vacuuming! ha! maybe I can teach Old Computer a new skill??

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  6. I made the mistake of buying an IPAD. It is so limited on functions that all I can really do is read books on it. Oh, and Facebook. Apparently, my three friends have lives.

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    1. at least you have 3 friends, i only have one and you are it.

      Tracie?? Tracie? are you there???

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    2. I will always be here. Until internet is over.

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  7. I love new computers like other people like new cars. (the amount of love of a new BMW not the amount of love of a Kia Rio)

    BUT all computers are designed to make their owner CRAAAAZZZYYY.
    No two are alike and they all have freaky little nuances to their personalities. My computer doesn't ever tell me when it is doing something nice for me but loves to scold me. Those error messages drive me nuts.

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  8. This is really funny. I have a friend who's JOB it is to find bugs in computer programs. I think they should hire people like you and me, those to whom the bugs are just naturally attracted.

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  9. Great stuff. Computers really do have personalities. Ditto toasters and televisions.

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  10. Judo CHOP! Yeah! I love it!

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  11. I think of new computers like small children who ate a bunch of candy at a birthday party, all hyperactive and crazy. Old computers are the kids on the car ride home from the party, falling asleep and uncooperative.

    Great post!

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    1. awesome way to look at it! ha!

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  12. Hi there, i read your blog occasionally and i own a
    similar one and i was just curious if you get a lot of spam responses?
    If so how do you prevent it, any plugin or anything you can suggest?

    I get so much lately it's driving me crazy so any assistance is very much appreciated.
    Here is my web site Sandpoint waterfront FSBO

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  13. And you notice how when you get a new computer it can do a ton of stuff and gets its work done really fast but once it's been there awhile it starts to get complacent and doesn't seem to be nearly as efficient as it once was. Actually, maybe I'm thinking of myself in my current job position.

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  14. I'm still trying to figure out my I pad 3have to get my kid to explain stuff. The only thing I don't like about it is how it takes over and resells words for me. See it just did it ..respelled not resells ..

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  15. My old gal has her problems, but I wouldn't dream of replacing her. I bought a new computer a few months ago, and it's just collecting dust. Okay, so that means I did more than dream of replacing the old gal, but I went right back to she that knows me well.

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  16. Love it and feel the same way about my new one, it just gives me way more information than I want or need.

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  17. I basically learned about a majority of this, but with that in mind, I still assumed it had been helpful. Nice job!

    leaflet distribution companies

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  18. You’re so hilarious! ;) You creatively wrote this post. It’s like your new computer is directly talking to you. Haha. Nonetheless, this is highly entertaining. I laughed out loud because of the judo chop. By the way, congrats on having a new computer! I bet you would still have more funny moments with your new computer. Explore and Enjoy!

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  19. I had a good laugh reading your post! It’s clear that New Computer does a wonderful job of blocking pop-ups and is way faster than Old Computer. But, it will eventually lag and slow down, especially if you don’t maintain it properly. Make sure that your software is always up-to-date, and your hardware is being cleaned and checked regularly.

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When you write a comment, it makes me feel like I won the lottery or at the very least like I ate an ice-cream sundae. (This has nothing to do with the fact that I did just eat an ice-cream sundae.)