Now, I am
the type of person who gets panicky about my house right before people come
over. I obsess if it is clean enough, or
even acceptable. Will people judge me and think I am a horrible person because there are some items laying around that I have not had a chance to put away yet? Will they mock me on Facebook later?
The Husband kept
saying, “No one will even stay; they’re just dropping off! Plus it is a backyard water gun party. Everyone will be outside. What are you stressing about?”
But, being the Virgo that I am, I plan for twenty
different scenarios:
- rain /no rain
- sun /clouds
- gnats /flying lizards
- tornado /hurricane
- parents stay /parents leave
Sadly, ever since school let out and we were not on our normal routine, I had uncharacteristically let the cleanliness level of our house slide. A bit. Just a tiny bit.
To say the house was messy was akin to saying that the ocean is wet.
But never fear. Being the Virgo that I am, I kicked it into high gear.
I cleaned and straightened, then straightened some more. I stumbled upon the overdue library books I had been looking for. I located my lost earring. And I finally found the cat, who had been missing since last Tuesday.
It was a successful day.
Thankfully, after a few short hours and a few gallons of Starbucks, I was able to get the house back up to my original pre-kid standards.
The tiny guests
started to arrive, along with their doting parents.
The party began outside, but (due to the excessive heat) we eventually
made our way in.
Then, the
comments started rolling, like a cardboard toilet paper roll knocked out of the recycle bin and pushed along by a strong gust of wind. “Your house is gorgeous!”
“I love your
house!”
“Your house
is so clean!”
“How do you
get your house this clean?”
“Do you have
a cleaning lady?”
“Wow! I’m moving in!”
I did what I
always do when people pay me compliments:
offer them more cake.
We had a
great time oohing and ahhing over the clean appearance of my home. After a solid hour of me basking in the awesome splendour that is complimentedness on this special day, my son's birthday, I was ultimately able to steer the conversation back to where it should have been all along: celebrity gossip. We got at least a half an hour out of the Tom
Cruise/ Katie Holmes divorce, and then we were on to whether the Bachelorette
was really a lesbian.
Finally, it
was time to go, and as I escorted the last parent and child to the door with their new
beach ball and water gun party favors, The Husband
gasped. “MOV! Where’s all our stuff?!?”
“Don’t worry. Nothing was thrown away,” I smiled, “But you might want to be careful opening the hall closet.”
MOV
Isn't that what closets are for? I miss closets.
ReplyDeleteOur stuff doesn't fit in the closet. We have an entire ROOM! It has crime scene tape on the door and I tell people that the Special Victim's Unit still isn't done investigating. I figure that's what they get for coming to my house in the first place.
ReplyDeleteYou never fail to elicit a laugh, grin, chuckle or guffaw.
ReplyDeleteFlying lizards, really?
Still shaking my head over that one.
Susan
thanks, Susan! your sweet comment made my day. :)
Deletebest,
MOV
LOL. Funny, you are vaguely familiar to me. It seems like I saw your house on "Hoarders" one week, then on MTV's "Cribs" the next.... go figure.
ReplyDeleteYou are so funny MOV! You can come clean my house ANY day (although I'll warn you my closets are already full). I'll talk gossip with you and even serve you an alcoholic beverage of your choice. No flying lizards here although we do have a collection of Pokemons...
ReplyDeleteMOV, hahaha, you're a riot. Everyone can identify with this. When exploring the "collection" one may even find a whole room . Your house looks lovely. Send cake. ":))
ReplyDeletewww.incomingbytes.blogspot.com
Send cake. Send cake. Send cake. Send cake..
ReplyDeleteThat's ocd (obsessive cake disorder) ":)
www.incomingbytes.blogspot.com
Hahahaha! In my case the one closet that is filled to the brim is the one the curious parent would open!
ReplyDeleteBlessings,Joanne
Crack me up! First, well done you for getting all those nice remarks on your house! I LOVE hearing stuff like that! (Seriously, I do.) Second, where can I order a hall closet that size? Our hall closet is uber tiny and would never be able to hold all the randomness that finds its way to our house. Never.
ReplyDeleteI'll be sure to take note of the forecast with regard to flying lizards the next time I am planning an outdoor party. Nothing like a flying lizard to ruin the punch. . . or the cake. Bleh.
hey couse, maybe that hall closet is like one of those clown cars that just goes on and on and on and on.........
DeleteI know. I need a hall Tardis. That would do the trick. :-)
DeleteThere are a few times after I have cleaned the house that I have left, and upon returning, I thought, "Oh my, I'm at the wrong house", and I left. It has been documented that at least 500 cases of homelessness have begun in this manner, so be careful about over cleaning.
ReplyDeleteManfriend cleaned my apartment for me a couple weeks ago and I have successfully kept it clean! Go Me! I am so bad at reverse process, as he would say, or putting things away. : )
ReplyDeleteMOV, you're posts are always good for when you need a laugh! I'm glad you finally got the conversation back to where it should have been all along, celebrity gossip... no good party is complete without it! :) Thanks for the laugh.
ReplyDelete-Ejw
I've always wanted to throw a Hoarders-themed party. It will be just like a regular party, except I won't clean my house at all beforehand.
ReplyDeleteOMG, Haley, this is hilarious. You rock!
DeleteWhat do you bring to a horders party? They already have everything!
DeleteAlthough I imagine if you are hosting a horders party, the goodie bags could be assembled from your random junk, if you could let it go.
You clean like me, MOV, using every inch of closet space. It's embarking dangerous territory should you choose to open one pre-party. I'm slightly spastic when I think people will venture inside, even the possibility, so it all has to be done. As certain someone, for unknown reasons and much to my dismay, finds parties the perfect time to straighten and clean out our DETACHED garage. Drives me nuts!
ReplyDeleteMost parents decided to...stay? I don't think I ever did this.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, if Katie Holmes would have a REAL blog I'd totally follow it too!
Hoarders called. They're looking for you.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
Holy crap...I do the same thing. I cleaned like crazy before my kid's party. I even pressure washed the deck. Of course, the house looked like it had exploded after the 30+ people left, and not a soul stepped out onto the deck due to the heat and the bugs. Our single childless friends hid in our finished basement and drank beer, and the parents hung out upstairs and in the front yard with the water play and kids. Sadly, no one complimented me on my clean house :) But that is OK. Why set the standards too high for other people??
ReplyDeleteI really can't tell you how much I love your blog, MOV. You're the most creative, inspired and prolific bloggers out there right now. Definitely in my top 5 and I need to make more time to read what you write.
ReplyDeleteSo is the Bachelorette a lesbian?
Hi JH, Thank you for your kind words!!! :) I love compliments on my writing *almost* as much as I love compliments on my faux-clean house! And if you do like my blog, you might like my book.
DeleteAnd I read your Panama City Beach drinking story: too funny! we used to vacation there, but I was like 10, so (alas) no drinking stories to share.
As for the Bachelorette: she is straight. But I gotta tell you, all the previews of the season finale make it look like she dumps BOTH guys! argh!
I wouldn't call that before picture of your place "messy". I would just say it's "cozy". Cozy in a buried alive kind of way.
ReplyDeleteHa, my brother is a Virgo, so I know how it is. He is also my roommate. Everything is always perfectly planned. I learned to meditate because the dude stresses me out. We will never plan a party together, I can tell you that.
ReplyDeleteSo glad to hear your party turned out well, after all. My kids have summer birthdays, and I am panicking about my house. Although, I have good reason. My house resembles your "before" shot, and is no where near the beauty of your after-even if I stuffed every closet in my house full of our junk.
ReplyDeleteAnd since many of my kid's friends have parents I hang out with, it's become the new norm to throw two parties at once, one for the parents and one for the children. Just to add to my stress level. I will freak if it rains and I have to invite everyone into my house! Ack.
Laughed out loud at the celebrity gossip. My house is always a disaster. And I can't even blame it on kids. Sometimes I think that I should rent a few kids, just so that I'd have an excuse for my un-straightened house.
ReplyDeleteYour my kind of girl!
ReplyDeleteThe Bachelorette isn't a lesbian. She's just really immature. Which is why I didn't watch this season.
ReplyDeleteI loved the ending to this post, btw.