MOVarazzi

Sunday, June 10, 2012

792. Adventures in Online Shopping

I am not much of an Internet clothing shopper.  I am more of an Internet clothing lurker.  Sure, I go to the Eddie Bauer, J.Crew, or Anthropologie sites, but ultimately I cannot pull the trigger. 

It has nothing to do with the safety of the site’s credit card processing center.  I will buy books on Amazon.  I will buy handmade greeting cards on etsy.  But a pair of jeans or a swimsuit that I cannot try on first?  Never. 
I am one of those body type sizes that is not easy to fit.  My body type is one that should possibly purchase a 12, but is somehow secretly convinced that the 8’s were made just for her.  When I walk into Nordstrom, I am slightly insulted that the 8’s don’t realize that they are my size.  The 8’s roll their eyes at me and whisper to their smaller sisters (the 6’s) about how I am delusional.  Ultimately, the 14’s take pity on me and promise they will be loose and comfy. 

Sitting in front of my computer and staring at the screen, some cute tops from Garnet Hill beckon.  They come in an array of colors, specific colors that I know look good on me.  The tops say, “Hey, MOV, we are basic.  We are flattering.  And we are on sale!” 
Now, if I was in the actual store and came across a cute top I like (which, sadly, is rare—both parts of the equation are rare:  the shopping and the finding things I like), I would most certainly buy three or four in different colors.  Black top, red top, white top, done! 

I let my finger hover over the mouse.  Do I want to put it in my virtual shopping basket?  Oh, look, free shipping!  I finally commit. 
The package arrives two days later (with normal ground shipping, not the insanely priced SuperQuick delivery); it is as if Garnet Hill had the tops already wrapped in tissue paper and sealed in their special mailing envelope just waiting for me to place the order (“She’ll do it,” Green Top whispers to Blue Top, “just you wait.  She’s impulsive!”). 

With a smugness normally reserved for volunteers in the African desert (“I am a good person to help poor people in Africa” = “I am smart to save money by buying in bulk and on sale”), I rip open the package.  There are my tops.  The ones that looked so cute on the 22-year-old college student model. 
I take them out of their protective plastic and spread them out on the sofa, like we are on an awkward blind date through an Internet matchmaking service, and I might offer them some ice-water or a glass of wine.  They look exactly like they did in the picture.

I take one to the bedroom and try it on.  And then I cry.  They are not tears of happiness, but tears of disappointment and despair.  I am yet another woman the Internet has lied to, another victim of high expectations and a non-Claudia Schiffer body. 
It’s not that the top does not fit.  It does.  It is the right size (umm, Large, thanks for asking) and fits fine.  It is just unflattering.  It just hangs on me, or rather droops. 

I wait ‘til The Husband gets home to confront him with his wife’s poor judgment in Internet clothing forays. 
“What do you think of this top?” I demand as he walks in the door balancing three bags of groceries. 

“It’s fine.  Where’d you get it?  A garage sale?” 
The shirt is unfazed.  The shirt seems indifferent to the critique. 

“No!  Not a garage sale!  I ordered it online!”
“Why?” 

“Because I needed a new shirt!” 
“If you don’t like it, send it back.” 

I don’t tell him that it’s not that easy.  Oh, sure, I could fill out the paperwork and go to the post office and mail the shirts back in their special return envelope.  Except for the fact that they were Final Sale, and Garnet Hill does not accept returns on Final Sale.   
I keep the shirts.  

I plan to sell them soon, maybe online or at a garage sale.
MOV           

41 comments:

  1. Oh my gosh... the 8's do that to me too! And you know what else? Sometimes, I bring a piece of clothing home, and several months later, it decides not to fit me anymore! What's up with that?! Clothing is so fickle.

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    1. I am glad I am not the only one! My clothing is very fickle too!

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  2. I remember in my mid forties when menopause hit big time, every night around 12 or 1 AM my fat had a meeting and moved en masse to a new spot. This of course left hanging skin in the old spot and bulges in the new spot. You never what size you would be tomorrow. That and the fact that no matter what size you order the sleeves are all 3/4 after the first washing. I am a small person come on, longer sleeves please.

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    1. Hi Nola, I love your description of your fat having a nightly meeting and relocating. Ha!

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  3. Replies
    1. Why is that?!? Those darn online catalogs trick us.

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  4. I shop online all the time and I agree with you.
    I try to shop at the stores (Gap, Banana, Old Navy, Loft, NY&Co), where I know how the sizes run and can predict how they will fit. I also order jewelry and makeup but I usually have to return the makeup to Sephora and then my husband asks me why the hell I order online.

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    1. Yes, I think make-up and jewelry might be safe bets....

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  5. I never shop online because I need to try things on. Nothing ever looks the same on me as it does in the pictures. *sigh*

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    1. You and me both, Dana! Thanks for reading my blog. :)

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  6. I reject online clothes shopping. I can get those size 12's on, but they are always highwater showing my cankles because I am eleventy feet tall.

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    1. I have no idea who you are, Mrs. Tuna, but I am going to go and follow your blog right now because you used the words "eleventy feet tall". Unless I find out you are a murderer. And then it's not going to happen, ok?

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    2. Elpoo--yes, she is Follow-Worthy. In a big way.

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    3. I totally followed her. And about 5 minutes after that, my lawyer calls and there's like, this cease and desist thing and a restraining something or other. Who knows, I wasn't paying attention.

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    4. Elpoo-- that is SOOOO Tuna! Don't worry, it just means she really likes you! After my 5th restraining order with her, I realized it was all a silly misunderstanding. We laugh about it now.

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  7. I buy a lot of things on line because I wear a size that most stores don't carry in stock (a 4 petite) but I try to find the item in the real brick and mortar store to look at whatever size they have so I can see the fabric. I think nearly every company implies their product is better than it actually is.

    As far as non-clothing though...I am a SUPER shopper. Amazon really should just give me stock in the company. I hate shopping in real stores, so anything other than food (wait...sometimes even that) is delivered to my door.

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    Replies
    1. Yes, if I wasn't married already, Amazon would be my boyfriend.

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  8. Ah, so true. It especially hurts when I'm online window shopping for shoes. *sad face*

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  9. Ugh, I know, it's such a pain. I was lucky with one dress that I ordered, but they printed their web address on the back of it. (DOH!) I love Anthropologie and their website is gorgeous. But the only thing I've ever ordered from them was a ring. ;)

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    Replies
    1. I am thinking jewelry is really the way to go now.

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  10. I will buy shoes and books online. But never, ever do I buy jeans or tops online.

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  11. I fell unto this online buying clothes spell....while recovering from my surgery, sleep was not happening for me & well I was going to need comfortable clothes to wear ONCE I had to go back to work so I went with some CUTE loose tops that would work with dress up or casual well that was the trick as you all know and as you stated it fit horrible i cried, because Mov, I bought out of my comfort zone the top was so cute why get my normal colors?? They are cheap go for it...so I did and now I have these tops that well are hideous I am sure someone on pinterest could make a dress for their little one that becomes adorable the colors are pretty but I am suffering from the buyer remorse still and it has been sense Feb!! YES because I am going thru that stupid circus of returning worst case now is they will make great sleep shirts woofreakinhoo! Hate internet shopping except for books i love amazon. Crack your whip you are a brave women buying shoes online my feet would step on me and crush my littl baby toe if I tried something like that lol.

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    1. My "mistake" shirts are now pajama shirts too. *sigh* I think both you and I have some very expensive "pajamas." The Husband will ask, "You are wearing the pajama top with the black sequins and butterfly applique again?" (he obviously doesn't get it.)

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  12. Yeah right. I don't even like to go shopping in a real store anymore. ALL the clothes taunt me except for the retarded elephant clothes. Those fit me fine and make me cry. And buying a swimsuit? Pure laughable torture.

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    1. Are you making fun of retarded Elephants? (because I for one marvel at their fashion sense. we could learn from them.)

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  13. I just hate shopping in general. Shopping of all kinds.

    But I will come to your garage sale.

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    1. Ha! bring your quarters! (wait-- what am I saying, you work as a dealer in a gambling place. Bring your poker chips.)

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  14. I know not to buy shoes online, but I keep doing it. It's like picking at a scab or smoking crack.I just can't get away. When I'm on the computer I seem to forget that I'm 45 and in bed by 9:30, so I don't really need those gold platform gladiator sandals. Yet they draw me in every time.

    Sister, I feel your pain.

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    1. Gold platform gladiators?!? My alter ego shopper is inexplicably drawn to Audrey Hepburn ballet flats. In silver. With no support. Costing $285. On sale. Bargain.

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  15. I've made the mistake of buying clothes online, specifically ebay. It turns out that, in Asia, our 'medium' is their 'small'. I didn't know this, but learned the hard way. I purchased a 'small' dress from a seller in China. I tried it on and almost died from lack of oxygen.

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    1. Hey, who needs oxygen if you can squeeze yourself into a size Small?!? Kudos for that!

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  16. Ack. So unfortunate. I'm not of a size that lends itself well to Internet shopping, though I have had some good luck with shoes. Go figure. I guess it's because my fat rolls don't extend to my toes. Hooray!

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    1. Ha! Shoes and jewelry, that is my new mantra.

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  17. Awww, I know this feeling all too well. Unless I buy the exact same shirt I already know fits because I own it, I rarely attempt online shopping because I end up with the exact same outcome. Online clothing purchases are dicks.

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    1. Online clothing purchases are like that cute guy in high school who always flirted with you in the library but then in the hall around his friends pretended he didn't know you. The online clothing purchases say, "I love you, you're beuatiful!" but then once delivered to your door, they amend that to "just kidding!"

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  18. Hello dear,
    maybe you would like to follow each other's blogs with GFC or via bloglovin? or even both?

    wolffashion.blogspot.com

    have a nice day!
    gV

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  19. I left a little something for you. Pop over to http://troghead.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/another-award-yay.html#axzz1xWDpPrnu to collect.

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    1. Thank you, Brian! I am honored. :)

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