So my washing machine is a relic of happier times, times when people drove around in gigantic cars with fins and no seatbelts, and watched boxy TV sets in black and white without remote controls. My washing machine (in all its pastel glory, sporting a color that can best be described as “understated cantaloupe”) is what the listing agent who sold us our house affectionately referred to as “original.” I am not picky about washing machines, just as long as they accept soap, produce water, and swirl the clothes around. My vintage washer does all these things.
But.
My washer likes to surprise me. I leave the dials in the same spot approximately 99.9% of the time (cold, delicate), and yet, my washer likes to dictate its own temperature and activity levels according to its mercurial moods.
“Cold?” washer inquires in that antiquey metallic voice. “Uh, no. I prefer hot now.”
I put my hand in to verify the cold, and my skin is scalded off in unattractive, blistery chunks.
The one time I am washing all whites and think, Hmm, maybe a dash of bleach and I will set the cycle on hot today, washer decides, “Let’s try cold this time. Icy. Mmm. That’s refreshing.”
I want to pull all the dials off in a rage, a rage of Temperature Angst, but when I try, washer clenches down its bolts and screws and says, “Ha! I was made more sturdiest than you thought!” (washer has good bolts, but lousy grammar).
Come on, washer, I whine, Can’t you do what I ask for once?
Washer laughs. “Tell you what, MOV, I can do what you ask … exactly as often as your own two children do.”
Point: Washer.
MOV
("Machine Of Vexation")
Hahahaha! My Iron is a spitter, it likes to spit water on everything. "I spit on dry clothes!" it says. So I iron clothing, it spits water, re-iron clothing, spits water once again. One t-shirt can take up to an hour to sodding iron!
ReplyDeleteI recently purchased a new washer/dryer that does just about everything all by itself. I love it! and its fast! :o)
ReplyDeleteLily, your iron sounds mean. If I want to be spit on, I can look no further than my cat or my five-year-old.
ReplyDeleteJennie, are you bragging now? because I am filled with Washer Envy. A machine that knows what to do and then DOES it? is it married already, or does it at least have a cute single brother?
best,
MOV
Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) your washer will probably last about 10 more years. Those older models were much more reliable than the new ones, I think.
ReplyDeleteOur coffee maker is a dribbler. The filter/basket thingee dribbles onto the heating element when we remove the pot to pour a cup. The sizzling sound makes me crazy so I try wiping up the dribble, only to get my hand scalded by one last drop....every morning. I am a slow learner....
HW, your coffee maker sounds bipolar. Wait-- you said it does that all the time, maybe it is just polar then. My old fridge died a long, drawn-out, painful (for me, because I wanted a new one sooner) death which consisted of much dripping of mystery liquids INSIDE the fridge (I sure hope it was water-- but who knows? maybe it was gasoline? or bleach? or just straight rat poison?). I literally cheered the day it outright died (despite $120 worth of brand new groceries that would inevitably rot) because it meant we could FINALLY buy a new refrigerator!!! hallelujah! We were FORCED to buy it, we had no choice! Yay-- proof positive that there is a God. :)
ReplyDeletebest,
MOV
I too have a vintage washing machine, although it's not as pretty a colour as yours. Can you turn off the hot water tap behind the washer so you don't get scalding water unintentionally?
ReplyDeleteIn my house, it's the stove that's evil and out to get me.
kay, maybe I need to do a post strictly on demonic/ possessed appliances?
ReplyDeletebest,
MOV
Finally decided to replace my washer last year - got tired of it dancing around the laundry room. It was 21 years old.
ReplyDeleteLe'Ann, Forgot to say mine dances too! Maybe they could be dance partners?
ReplyDeletebest,
MOV