“Reaching things
off the top shelf,” which anyone could say, really, as long as they owned a
step-stool. That was kind of a dumb
Super Power.
But he
surprised me. He gave a wicked grin and
then breathed on me, directly in my face.
I at first thought he was going to kiss me, but it was only his hot,
smelly breath. I grimaced and backed
away immediately.
“Argh! You need to brush your teeth! Did you eat garlic pasta again for
lunch?”
“See? Death Breath.
That is my Super Power.” He opened the refrigerator, grabbed a raw
onion, and took a big chomp.
I was
suddenly jealous. This would be a very
useful Super Power to have if, say, you were avoiding talking to your boss
about that new project she assigned you, or if the PTA president was trying to
corner you into selling more wrapping paper (or any wrapping paper).
Turns out,
this was not the only Super Power that The Husband possessed.
“Sweat,” he
proclaimed proudly, “I also sweat a lot, and that makes people stay away from
me.”
It was
true. I mean, at our own wedding, had I
not loaned him my powder compact so he could dab his greasy nose before we
spent three grand on pictures?
“Sometimes,
at the office, I purposely put my suit jacket back on when I am really
hot.”
“Wait a
second, isn’t that counter-intuitive? If
you are hot, you should take your jacket off,
not put it on.”
“MOV, my
shirt is soaked under the arms and around the collar. If I put the jacket on, then it hides all
that. If I don’t have a jacket handy, I
just grab a sweater.”
“That is
silly! You are just going to make
yourself even hotter and sweatier that way!”
“I turn on a
floor fan and blast the air-conditioning in that case. I have been known to crank it down to 60
degrees.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah, so
you don’t want to catch me on a blazing hot day right after lunch. Sometimes, so many people avoid me that I get
about eight hours of work done in one afternoon. I don’t even have to close my office
door.”
Right at
that moment, I discovered a latent Super Power of my own that I had not even
realized existed: pretending to be
interested.
MOV
Is it just me or are there days you ask yourself "What was it about this person that initally attracted me?" Thank god I can always remember.
ReplyDeleteHA! Your husband cracks me up! Very clever, that one. Get people to avoid you so you can get your work done. I'll have to think about that one.
ReplyDeleteI am happy for you, in that both of your man's super-smells are above the belt!
ReplyDeleteMy super power is having amazing, intellectually stimulating and heart-felt conversations with other people... in my head.
ReplyDeleteIt's a secret because by the time I have the real-life conversation, I've used up all of my best material!
I bet if your husband ate enough raw onions and such he could combine his super powers into severely fowl smelling sweat. He would be unstoppable. I mean un-bathable.
ReplyDeleteOooh, yes. And add garlic to the mix...what a powerful man he would be!!!
DeleteI hereby declare this post Very Funny.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
I think I have the same sweating super power your husband has but I must admit it's not nearly as "attractive" on a woman. Or shall I say accepted. Celebrities and wealthy people get botox under their arms to stop the sweat. Have you ever noticed how none of those women on the red carpet have sweat stains on those silk dresses? Botox. Wish I could afford it.
ReplyDeleteHalitosis is SO underappreciated.
ReplyDeleteJust wante dyou to know, since you're one of my favorites, i di a feature for #FollowFriday on you. Hope you get a chance to stop by ;) http://www.postpartumom.com/2012/09/follow-friday.html
ReplyDelete