Monday, September 24, 2012

849. Super Powers

The Husband told me the other day that he had been thinking a lot about his special Super Powers.  I always thought my Super Power was reading minds, but how had I missed this?  I knew The Husband was fairly tall (6’4”), so I expected him to say,

“Reaching things off the top shelf,” which anyone could say, really, as long as they owned a step-stool.  That was kind of a dumb Super Power.   
But he surprised me.  He gave a wicked grin and then breathed on me, directly in my face.  I at first thought he was going to kiss me, but it was only his hot, smelly breath.  I grimaced and backed away immediately.   

“Argh!  You need to brush your teeth!  Did you eat garlic pasta again for lunch?” 
“See?  Death Breath.  That is my Super Power.”  He opened the refrigerator, grabbed a raw onion, and took a big chomp.    

I was suddenly jealous.  This would be a very useful Super Power to have if, say, you were avoiding talking to your boss about that new project she assigned you, or if the PTA president was trying to corner you into selling more wrapping paper (or any wrapping paper). 
Turns out, this was not the only Super Power that The Husband possessed.    

“Sweat,” he proclaimed proudly, “I also sweat a lot, and that makes people stay away from me.” 
It was true.  I mean, at our own wedding, had I not loaned him my powder compact so he could dab his greasy nose before we spent three grand on pictures?

“Sometimes, at the office, I purposely put my suit jacket back on when I am really hot.” 
“Wait a second, isn’t that counter-intuitive?  If you are hot, you should take your jacket off, not put it on.” 

“MOV, my shirt is soaked under the arms and around the collar.  If I put the jacket on, then it hides all that.  If I don’t have a jacket handy, I just grab a sweater.” 
“That is silly!  You are just going to make yourself even hotter and sweatier that way!” 

“I turn on a floor fan and blast the air-conditioning in that case.  I have been known to crank it down to 60 degrees.” 

“Yeah, so you don’t want to catch me on a blazing hot day right after lunch.  Sometimes, so many people avoid me that I get about eight hours of work done in one afternoon.  I don’t even have to close my office door.” 
Right at that moment, I discovered a latent Super Power of my own that I had not even realized existed:  pretending to be interested.   



  1. Is it just me or are there days you ask yourself "What was it about this person that initally attracted me?" Thank god I can always remember.

  2. HA! Your husband cracks me up! Very clever, that one. Get people to avoid you so you can get your work done. I'll have to think about that one.

  3. I am happy for you, in that both of your man's super-smells are above the belt!

  4. My super power is having amazing, intellectually stimulating and heart-felt conversations with other people... in my head.

    It's a secret because by the time I have the real-life conversation, I've used up all of my best material!

  5. I bet if your husband ate enough raw onions and such he could combine his super powers into severely fowl smelling sweat. He would be unstoppable. I mean un-bathable.

    1. Oooh, yes. And add garlic to the mix...what a powerful man he would be!!!

  6. I hereby declare this post Very Funny.


  7. I think I have the same sweating super power your husband has but I must admit it's not nearly as "attractive" on a woman. Or shall I say accepted. Celebrities and wealthy people get botox under their arms to stop the sweat. Have you ever noticed how none of those women on the red carpet have sweat stains on those silk dresses? Botox. Wish I could afford it.

  8. Halitosis is SO underappreciated.

  9. Just wante dyou to know, since you're one of my favorites, i di a feature for #FollowFriday on you. Hope you get a chance to stop by ;)


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