Tuesday, September 18, 2012

846. Johnny Depp Wants to Marry Me

So there I was in line at the airport Starbucks when I noticed him. 

“That is not exactly, true, MOV.  It was the gas station.” 
Ahem!  Johnny, who is telling this story?  Like I was saying, I was ordering my triple latte and there was Johnny Depp in line directly behind me.  For a second I thought maybe I should let him go ahead of me in case he was in a hurry. 

“Who are you kidding, MOV?  If a bleeding nun wanted to go ahead of you, you would say no.” 
So anyway, there was Johnny Depp, in all of his Johnny Deppness splendor.  I smiled over at him, willing him to notice me.  I wanted to be subtle. 

“Gag!  That is not what happened at all.  Is your entire blog like this?  Made up?  You came up to me in the middle of me pumping gas and begged for an autograph.  For your daughter!” 
Okay, Johnny, first of all, get your facts straight.  I do not even have a daughter, so why would I do that?  All right.  Back to my story.  I smiled at Johnny, and he definitely noticed me back.  I was in my United Airlines uniform. 

“This was after you quit.  You were not in your uniform.  You were pumping gas and eating M&Ms straight from the package.  And when I said I had no paper to do the autograph, you said I could just sign your arm.”    
Johnny made his move.  He said to me, Are you working the flight to Paris? 

“Gah!  I would never say that.  Hello, I live with Vanessa, the mother of my children?” 
And then I said, No, and then he said—

“Bwahahahahahahahahaha!  That is, like, so unoriginal.”
Excuse me, who is telling this story?  Then he said, Such a pity, because I will be on that flight.  In first class. 

“MOV, that is all implied.  I always fly first class, I am Johnny Depp, Pirates of the Caribbean? Remember?  Alice in Wonderland?  Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?” 
Johnny, please stop interrupting.  So then Johnny turned to me and said, Maybe you could change your flight. 

“Are you smoking crack?!  It was the gas station!  Vanessa!  Your arm!”
And I said, I would love to switch flights, but I might be fired, and then Johnny said—

“Is this the part where you are going to say I asked you to marry me?” 
Marry me, lovely flight attendant—

“This is so far-fetched!!!  Who is your target audience, anyway?”
Run away with me to Paris, and we can drink fine wine and eat chocolate croissants all day—

“I would never say that.  I am on a no-carb diet.” 
So I said, Johnny, I would love to, and I already fell in love with you back in your Edward Scissorhands days, but alas, I cannot because—

“Let me get this straight:  now you are saying no to me??” 


Not really. 



  1. Ooooh, hard to get, MOV...well played!

  2. Hysterical!!! I didn't realize that Johnny was so rude as to keep disrupting you. He and Vanessa called it quits in June so he probably is reconsidering your proposal. But you're married right??? That might be a bit of a stumbling block.

  3. Could you pass the M&Ms and the Johnny Depp, since you're done with them? Thank-you.

  4. Boy I love your list of men almost married 1st Tony Robbins (I seriously love the sound of his voice) and now Johnny (who I just love everything of)....MOV you really got it going on girl maybe I need to get me a flight attendant suit to wear when pumping gas hmmm wonder if the fact the closest major airport is 2 hours away will hinder my progress of picking up men??? I will reply with one of your classic replies.....details details LOL

  5. This was so good.
    but really, you had me at "Johnny Depp".

  6. Fertile mind, my friend. You have a fertile mind.

  7. HA! This is awesome. I, too, have a little thing for Johnny Depp. I think he's brilliant and obviously easy on the eyes. He could sign my arm any day. :-)

  8. His character in PotC may have found an ingenious new use for sea turtles, but MOV's Johnny is the new interrupting starfish. (

  9. Wow I had a similar encounter with Johnny Depp too. But instead of him asking me to marry him he was asking me to be his best bud. And instead of it being Johnny Depp it was just the gas station attendant. And instead of asking me to be his best bud he was asking me what kind of gas I wanted.

    1. and this is why I love you. when I am too lazy to write my blog, will you write it for me? you are funnier. and more starfishy.

  10. Johnny is mine -- all mine. He showed up at my front door immediately after leaving Vanessa. I have him locked up, uh, in my bed right now.


    1. well, woman, what are you doing over here wasting time reading????????? are you insane? you have, uh, better things to do!

  11. I love this, especially your mental back and forth! I would definitely have more conversations with myself if Johnny was the voice inside my head all the time!

  12. Maybe you and Johnny would like to double with me and Brad Pitt sometime.

  13. I totally believe you *wink wink*, we cant except all propsals, right;)


When you write a comment, it makes me feel like I won the lottery or at the very least like I ate an ice-cream sundae. (This has nothing to do with the fact that I did just eat an ice-cream sundae.)