MOVarazzi

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

640. My Blind Date With Caffeine

I can’t even remember who set us up, it doesn’t really matter at this point. I was living in San Diego at the time. We decided to meet at this little lunch place that had recently opened across the street from the jewelry store where I worked. The restaurant was called “Starbucks,” and apparently was pretty well-known in Seattle. I wasn’t sure how I would recognize him (this was back in the pre-Facebook days), but he said he knew what I looked like just from my voice.

That was a sexy thing to say, because he said my voice on the phone sounded like Cindy Crawford. He was going to be looking for Cindy Crawford!

I got there a few minutes early and sat down. Sure enough, he walked over to me and introduced himself, all smooth and no bitter. “I’m Caffeine,” he said, winking. “I’ve been out with a few of your friends, too. I should warn you, I’m addictive.”

I should have listened to him; did he not tell me the moment we met that he was addictive? But no, that only added to the intrigue.

Our relationship moved fast. I’d only known him for a few weeks when I asked him to start spending the night regularly (mostly so I could be with him first thing in the morning).

He’d go to work, I’d go to work, but then 3 o’clock would roll around and I’d be dialing his number. “Caffeine? It’s me. I really need to see you. Can you meet me in half an hour?”

That was the thing about him, he was so accommodating. And I always felt better after our rendezvous.

I knew it wasn’t a healthy relationship because I was obsessing about him all day long: when I would see him again, how he made me feel when we were together, how I wanted to spend more time with him and perhaps even introduce him to my family. But I was under the impression that he could live without me, that he had lots of other girls waiting in line for their chance.

I remember the day I ended it. I stood him up for our normal afternoon meeting. I thought I was so smart, but about a half an hour later, I had a throbbing headache. I went running back to him. He didn’t seem alarmed in the slightest. “I knew you’d show up eventually,” he grinned, his teeth looking like a dental whitening ad’s “Before” shot.

This pattern went on for months—get together, break up, get together, break up. My mind was racing, and my heartbeat was a little bit, too.

“Why do I need you so much?” I recall saying to him on the phone late one night. “It’s a very one-sided romance.”

The other thing is: I was spending money on him like crazy. He never spent a dime on me, although I found out later he had a trust fund. He’d merely sit there, staring off into space when the check came, waiting for me to get out my wallet. I didn’t complain, our dates were relatively cheap—five dollars here, five dollars there. But over time, it adds up.

Eventually, I moved away. I left no forwarding address, but he found me in Chicago, training with United Airlines to be a flight attendant.

“You think you can ditch me now, after everything we’ve been through?” he demanded. “You’ll be needing me on those red-eye flights.”

As usual, he was right.

We continued our relationship amidst my protests. It got to the point where I simply accepted his presence in my life, like air or water—he wasn’t going anywhere.

Then one day, I met someone new, someone who would change my life forever. I told Caffeine I would still always love him, that it was me not him, that he deserved someone else who loved him unconditionally. Not surprisingly, he was not happy.

“Who is it?” he yelled. “Who? You can’t break up with me and not tell me who my replacement is!”

That is the exact moment my new love walked through the door.

“Him?!?” said Caffeine, pointing. “You would rather be with him?!”

My new love was the confidant sort, not easily intimidated by ex-boyfriends. “Hello, nice to meet you,” he said politely, putting his hand out to shake, “my name is Chocolate.”

MOV

PS—and thanks to Marianne at We Band of Mothers for the inspiration (with her longing for sugar)

22 comments:

  1. You are a wonderful writer! I love how you turned objects into characters,making the reader expect to go in one direction until we realize. It fools you for about 2 sentences, and then you are like "aaahhh, I get what she is doing". Fun Read!
    I may have to do one about my love affair with my television and all it offers me in the way of awful reality shows.

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    1. Thank you! And thank you for following my blog, I like your blog too. (Although I am secretly pissed off that Lily found your blog before me because I pride myself on being the trendsetter. Remember gauchos? That was me! Pet rock? Me again! The skort? I started that. Pop rocks? Totally my idea. Damn you, Lily! I hope you're reading this!)

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  2. But aren't caffeine and chocolate the evil twins because chocolate contains caffeine? Is one the good twin and one the bad twin? *sigh* I lose on both accounts because I love both caffeine (i.e., coffee AND TEA) and chocolate! I'm DOOMED!

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    1. hi couse, I totally shoulda said that they were evil twins! argh! That would've made my story better.

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  3. I was seeing Caffeine for a bit too. I can't help it; he helps me through the day. Yesterday, though, we got a little bit carried away and I ended up on the couch feeling drained, but completely unable to sleep. I went straight for him this morning, but (luckily?), my gut clenches every time I think of him; I may just get over him this time!

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    1. Caffeine IS a bit of a cad, no? (and I still get the gut clenching feeling when I reminisce about the last time I saw him....... which was this morning)

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  4. I see your affair with inanimate objects continues.

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  5. I wrote a similar thing about the end of summer and going back to work. For a minute, my husband was REALLY worried.

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    1. can you put the link? I would love to read it. It will take me hours to find it on your blog and I don't have that kind of attention sp--- oh, look, shiny!

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  6. Re-J.R. Hahahaha! MOV, it's really not a good thing to make a woman (me) already congested with flu, laugh so hard, that she almost chokes on her own saliva...unless that was your plan all along...

    I wrote something very similar to this, which will now stay in draught, FOREVER!

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    1. hey lily, I totally remember the blog post your wrote about the priest saying there was no chocolate in heaven (I do hope you swiftly changed your religion after that remark)...... was that the essay? post your essay! I'm sure it is way funnier than mine. :)

      xxo
      MOV
      (that is my new thing, no more "best", just xxo. I am trying it out on you. whaddya think?)

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  7. I meant draft...stoopid flu!

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  8. Replies
    1. gween! you found me!!! I am honored that you are leaving a comment, even if it is about your, er, secret crush coffee. I gotta tell you, your blog and crazy drawings inspire me! I try to do computer drawing every once in a while, but it takes a loooooooong time. People have no idea how long it takes to do that stuff. My hat is off to you. Anyway, hope to see you back over here at my blog sometime soon. :)

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  9. Had to be chocolate or our other friend - ch-ch-Chardonnay! ;-)

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    1. oh, that might have been better..........

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  10. Just so you know, Caffeine and I met me after your little thing with him. He said you were crazy. He told me he preferred women with a little meat on their bones. Not trying to rub it in or anything, but he comes by at least 5 times a day. xoxo Chubby

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    1. See, HE is the one that is crazy, not me. I DO have meat on my bones! (Remember the small-smaller-smallest story?) And my "thing" with him was not little! Is that what he told you? What a liar. Our love affair was epic!

      And just so you know, he still comes by here every morning for a, uh, quickie. I welcome him into my kitchen, or wherever, and then I get mad and tell him he has to leave. (And sometimes this scenario plays out in the afternoon, too.) HA!

      xxo
      Chubbier Than You Think

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  11. Glad you gave him up, he's not good for you at all.
    Coffee makes me speedy, then cranky. Go the chocolate, it makes us happy they say. I like the hardly any sugar bitter stuff, yum.

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    1. I also like the dark, bitter chocolate. I have a feeling I could eat cocoa beans straight if they ever started marketing them that way.

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  12. Hee hee, I like the new signature, it feels more intimate.
    As for the post I have in draft being funnier than yours, the answer is a resounding, 'not even close.' :)

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When you write a comment, it makes me feel like I won the lottery or at the very least like I ate an ice-cream sundae. (This has nothing to do with the fact that I did just eat an ice-cream sundae.)