Wednesday, January 25, 2012

639. How To Get A Job and Change Your Life Forever

My good friend Grace sent me a magazine article on how to find a job. She knew I wanted a job where I made a lot of money, liked what I was doing, and oh yeah only had to work Monday-Friday from 9-3. And got out early on Wednesdays. And was flexible enough that I could take various school holidays off. And summer. And work from home. And did I mention get paid well?

Grace recently started a new job herself, so she knew this particular article would help me in my search.  I sat down with a hot cup of coffee and the article in hand, giddy with excitement that my Future Job was awaiting me, as were the thousands of millions of dollars I would be making!

Here’s the article:

Helpful Strategies For Finding Your Dream Career

When you are looking for a job, it can be a stressful time. But, these tips. Will definitely help you to find the dream job of your dreams that you have been dreaming about.

(At this point, I was thinking a Japanese foreign exchange student might have written the article, but I soldiered on.)

An important thing to think about it is what type of job or career you would be interested in applying for. (Ah, now we were getting somewhere!) Is yours the type of personality to seek out fulfillment from the type of job where you work traditional hours or the type of personality that is more fulfilled from a non-traditional work environment with the types of hours that range around the clock at varying times? (Huh?) Would you prefer the stimulation of a job where you are constantly: learning something new; being around new people, helping others, being challenged; making important decisions that could affect a wide range of people; or is a job just merely a paycheck and not necessarily what you live for?

We’ve all heard the saying, “Do what you love and the money will follow,” and this applies in this case. Loving your job is the key to finding happiness, a rewarding calling, and also a job or career that makes you proud. Human Resources experts recommend finding a job that brings you happiness because then you will look forward to going there.

Have you ever woken up to go to a job you don’t really enjoy? A job that you might actually dread but it is primarily a source of income? We’ve all been there. I recommend writing down a list of pros and cons to help you get the job of your dreams. (Wait—huh?)

Make sure you have a quiet time without the distraction of everyday concerns such as the dog barking or other types of minor annoyances such as a cell phone or other thing. Really focus on the task at hand. Dedicate this time to you and your new ideas of how to get what you want.

Here are my recommendations.
  • Polish your résumé (have a friend poorfread it for you)
  • Research jobs in your field
  • Wear an appropriate interview suit for your field
  • Have your hair cut in a flattering style
  • Consider going online for job openings in your field
These tips have been proven to work for a variety of people in a variety of situations. I hope this helps you to accomplish your vision of your future career. It is rewarding when we have a job that makes a difference.

I sat there dumbfounded. Why had Grace sent me this stupid magazine article? Was this a joke? I was mentally downgrading Grace from Good Friend status to Mere Acquaintance. “Wear an appropriate interview suit for your field”? That was the advice that was going to change my life?

I desperately wanted the previous 28 seconds of my life back. How dare Grace waste my time with this inane article! It told me absolutely nothing I didn’t already know. Every single item was completely obvious to anyone who had been a human being for longer than a week. It’s like the article was written for a Martian for his arrival on Earth to give him suggestions on how to assimilate into our culture.

I did what I always did when I was angry about something trivial: I called The Husband at work. Luckily, he was on his lunch break and had an extra 28 seconds to spare, so I read him the article.

“Who sent you that again?”


“I thought she was a good friend?”

“Yeah, me too. Not anymore.”

“Oh, maybe that’s an outline, and the continuation of the article is on the next page? That list at the end sounded like an outline. Maybe you should flip it over and see if there is more to it?”

I hadn’t thought of this. This is perhaps why The Husband had a really good job that he enjoyed and where he learned something new and was challenged making important decisions, while I stayed home and got to wash the dishes and fold more laundry.

I flipped it over. It was just and ad for lipstick with some model who resembled Drew Barrymore. Maybe it was Drew Barrymore.

“Sweetie, it’s a make-up ad. That was the whole article.”

“Wow. And some magazine published it. Huh. I think Tall could write a better article. Or Short.”

“Short doesn’t know how to read.”


We hung up the phone. This stupid essay was taking up more than 28 seconds now. I was becoming obsessed with the bad writing.

My mind wandered and I thought of some other magazine articles this awesome writer/ so-called “job expert” might write.

How To Take Down Your Christmas Tree

Do you have trouble saying goodbye to your Christmas decorations after the holiday is over? Follow these simple guidelines to get the job done.
  • Remove the ornaments, packing them well and safely (don’t forget the lights!)
  • Get someone else to help you lift the tree
  • Consider wrapping the tree in an old sheet that you have kept on hand for this purpose. This will prevent tree needles from poking you
  • Find out what the tree protocol is in your neighborhood as far as trash and pick-up. This may vary from different locations
Taking down the tree in a timely manner is the key to making your home look nice for the new year. I hope these tips help you to accomplish the removal of holiday decorations easily and safely.

I was not done yet. I thought of another essay:

How To Go To Bed At Night

Are you the type to fall asleep in front of the TV and then not wake up rested the next day? Here are some guidelines that can help.
  • Make sure to put on your pajamas. If you follow a simple ritual of getting ready for bed, this will make things easier.
  • Consider wearing fuzzy socks to bed. This has been proven to keep your feet warm.
  • Make sure you brush your teeth and floss your teeth to avoid future dental issues from arising.
  • Fluff the pillow. This is a nice touch that hotels do and you can incorporate into your life as well.
  • Make sure to set your alarm clock. This can make all the difference from getting up on time or over-sleeping.
I hope these ideas and suggestions help make going to bed something to look forward to.

I thought about emailing Grace, but in the end I just called her.

“Grace, hi! I read the article you sent me, the one about jobs …”

“What article?”

“The article you sent me, I just got it in the mail yesterday?”

“I never sent you an article.”  Grace was 34 years old.  Early-Onset Senility was kicking in. 

“Grace, I am holding the envelope in my hand.  It has your return address.”

“I sent you a picture of Drew Barrymore.”

“You did?  Why?”

“Because that would be a cute haircut for you.  I wrote a note on it.” 

I opened up the envelope again and shook it upside down.  A yellow post-it note fell out and landed in my lap.  It read: “MOV, this would be a cute hairstyle for you!  Love, Gracie.”

The original article did say a flattering hairstyle would help me get a job....

ps--and thanks to wonderful reader and fellow-blogger Julie Hutchinson who gave me a much better ending than my first one


  1. Holy Moses. If that is the "quality" of writing that gets published it's no wonder America is struggling. Geez people. It is difficult to find a job that you love -- not just one you can tolerate. I have a job that I love but the pay is very low. However, I take all the good things about my job and add them up and they are absolutely priceless.

    1. hi couse, is the job that "does not pay well" called "motherhood"? I keep trying to get myself fired, but they keep forcing me to come back. (no raise, no days off, no bonus at christmas time!)

      The reps for this company are damn cute though, with their missing teeth and muddy knees..........

    2. HA! Well, that's my second job -- motherhood. And, I agree, the reps for that job are super cute and snuggly.

  2. Oh MOV - I so thought you were going to say that when you finally called her she was going to tell you that it was the makeup ad that was going to change your life and get you your dream job, OMG...
    Love your How-to's

    1. oh, julie, I need to go right back and change the ending, yours is better........ wait a couple minutes and it will be the new ending.

  3. Oooh, is your blog going to become one of those pick-your-own ending books I used to read as a kid? That would be fun. "If you think MOV should fold laundry, click here. If you think MOV should watch an episode of House Hunters, click here." It could be very addictive.

    1. Yes! I love it! That is exactly what I need to do to spice up my blog a bit. Ha! (and I take "watch an episode of House Hunters" over "fold laundry" any day) It can be just like that movie Clue that came out several years ago with different choices of endings.........

      as a side note, I miss your toothy picture, Haley. Don't get me wrong, you husband looks hot-- but your toothy picture really stood out. Different. Sometimes different is better. (except when it comes to wine glasses, then it is nice to have all matching)

  4. Dear MOV,

    I am sorry to inform you that we cannot publish your recently submitted article. When we first spoke, I was very interested in "How to go to Bed at Night", however, I have been made aware of several issues.
    Firstly, your spelling is very good. This may alienate some of our reeders. Secondly, your tips are all very helpfull, but you have four gotten some things, like "get into the bed" and "pull up the cover of your liking". OUr readerz may find this missleading.

    Ed. Itter

    1. Dear Ed. Itter,

      I apologixe for the awesome speling. I will work on that.

      Thirdly, I think I acidentiily sent the article to you with the last two items choped off. They were (coincidetnally) "Get into the bed" and "pull up the cover of your liking."

      Now that we have straigntened out the mystery, will you pleze reconsider and consider having the artilce printed in in it's entirety?

      Thanks you.

  5. I miss Haley's toothy picture, too.


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