MOVarazzi

Monday, January 9, 2012

625. My Christmas Tree and I Are Getting Divorced

I thought this relationship would be different, less prickly. I was wrong. Christmas Tree and I started out like most couples do, enamored with each other in a twinkly-lights-sort-of-way. I remember the first time I ever laid eyes on Christmas Tree, I just knew he was The One: tall, regal, quiet. Some might’ve interpreted his quietness as stupidity—but I knew he was just shy.  And I prefer shy over fake.   

Our marriage lasted less than six weeks, which is equivalent to a decade in Hollywood Years. Too bad we live 3000 miles away from Tinsel Town. 

When we first moved into together, things progressed quickly. “You turn me on,” he said in that dreamy husky voice of his. “Excuse me?” I responded, thinking he was a little forward for my taste. He cleared his throat, “I said, you need to turn on my lights.”

And that’s who he really was deep down: demanding. The first day it was his lights, the next day he had me running to the kitchen to get him more bottled water because he was “thirsty.” We all know thirsty is code for lazy.  And I often found him acting drunk, leaning to one side, threatening to fall down. 

Wait, there’s more. He was a mess. Sure, when we met and he was in the snow hanging with all his friends, he seemed robust and “outdoorsy”; I didn’t necessarily notice the trail of needles behind him. Anyone else would’ve thought, “Who leaves a trail of needles? Druggies, that’s who,”—but what can I say? I was blinded by love.

I couldn't get enough of him.  I would walk past him just so I could inhale his scent.  He smelled like childhood dreams. 

In the initial haze of love, I was surrounded by close family members and went through the ritual of putting the angel on the top of Christmas Tree—that’s when things became official. He was Mine. Well-meaning friends came by later to meet Christmas Tree and they all said the right things, Oh, that tree is perfect for you, and Wow, you are so lucky, and How did you fit Christmas Tree through the door?

Sure, there were presents, hastily wrapped presents that were all the wrong color and size.  Presents that would have to be returned.  Presents with no gift receipt that the clerk would give you a hard time about and ultimately call a manager and then tell you they weren't originally purchased there or if they were that they were now 70% off.  They were the type of presents that were bought on sale in a hurry with an expired coupon.      

I woke up on December 26th with a cruel hangover that tasted like Pine-Sol and stale shortbread cookies, and a startling realization that shook me to my core: It. Was. Over. I was no longer in a festive mood.

Christmas Tree could not take the hint. Christmas Tree just moped around through New Year’s while trying to hijack that holiday as well. Every time I went in the living room and saw him standing in the corner weeping silently to himself while wearing New Year's confetti, I just cringed. “Oh, you’re still here?” I asked. “I’m not leaving,” he insisted with as much enthusiasm as a wet mop, which is exactly what he could’ve used to clean up all those discarded needles and wilted streamers that lay around him. “And you can’t make me.”

I didn’t want to argue with him. I simply pretended he wasn’t there. Things went on like this for days, both of us refusing to speak.

This morning I looked out the front window and saw a whole army of neighborhood Christmas Trees littering the curb, more holiday divorces up and down our street.

It made me sad. I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t just end things with Christmas Tree the way I had been planning. It would be too cruel.

I'll wait 'til Valentine’s Day to kick him out. 

MOV
(“My Only Valentine”)

15 comments:

  1. I know you feel bad now but next year some handsome little tree will catch your eye and you will be tempted, but mark my words it will all end badly as he pines to return his roots. As they say ONCE A TREE ALWAYS A TREE.....

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  2. oh, rob z, good stuff. good stuff there.

    best,
    MOV

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  3. These are all the same reasons why I do not want to have another pet (i.e., the DOG my boys are asking for) when our cat goes on to the Land of All Good Kitties (not that that is going to happen any time soon, mind you...stay away with the hand painted bowls). I told someone that if I have one more thing that sheds, makes a mess or urinates inappropriately in this house I'll lose my ever-lovin' mind.

    We have the not-as-fragrant-as-outdoors fake Christmas tree that still gets to live in our house. It's just in a huge plastic storage tub for 11 months of the year.

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  4. So sorry to hear that the two of you are splitting up.

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  5. I could never load up a real tree with everything I expect it to hold. Mine is 7 feet tall and loaded with over 800 lights and countless ornaments. The kind of real tree who could take that would be too big to fit in the house.

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  6. It is sad that your holiday fling is iwhtering away. I don't like the artificialness of the tree that only comes aroundinDecember, but I guess at least I can see him for the fake he is! There must be some chocolate santa remnants laying around that couldmake this time easier for you.

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  7. A few years ago I bought an expensive pre-lit tree that I thought was perfect in every way. However after two years, one by one the strands of lights stopped working until last year, there were more out than on. I replaced it this holiday season and it's now in my garage waiting for it's fate: a trip to the recycling center.

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  8. You'll give him all your power.

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  9. Did you see some jerk is selling a used version of your book for a thousand dollars? That donkey.

    -Motaki, Aspiring Falconer

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  10. couse--fake is looking better by the second

    kirby--thank you for your condolences on the break up of me and Christmas Tree. I just found out we are eligible for an annulment, which does not sound nearly as bad as the D word.

    kait--maybe I should start decorating the tree out in the yard and just leave it there? I could have a 20-foot tree that way......

    andrea--ah, you always know the right thing to say to cheer me up. Yes, I can scrounge up some chocolate Santa remnants.........

    mamma has spoken-- so you feel my holiday heartache........

    julie--it's true!

    marianne--amen, sister!

    julie--not anymore!

    taki--I told my husband if he wants to try to sell his AUTOGRAPHED copy for a thousand dollars, just go for it. Who knew he would actually do it.

    best,
    MOV

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  11. Holiday breakups are so difficult, but here it is dragging on into a long good-bye. Sometimes, you just have to steel yourself and kick them to the curb....so to speak.

    And now I'm seeing your tree as a very sad thing. *sniffle*

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  12. it's the same for me every year. at first i want to sit close to him, breathe him in and stroke him oh-so-gently. i like to take his picture and admire him and dress him up. but then he looses his steam and gets droopy and i just can't deal with a steamless, droopy, ever-more-prickly guy. after a few weeks, i just have to kick him to the curb.

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  13. jo-- Christmas Tree is still here. Don't tell him, but I am absolutely sending him packing by next week! I mean it!

    SherilinR--first, welcome to my blog! second, I totally forgot about the taking pictures thing. I took so many photos that the digital card in my camera expoded. too many pictures. but we had our few weeks of happiness, so maybe it was worth it..........

    best,
    MOV

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When you write a comment, it makes me feel like I won the lottery or at the very least like I ate an ice-cream sundae. (This has nothing to do with the fact that I did just eat an ice-cream sundae.)