So it finally happened: the letter “S” broke off my keyboard from overuse. This, as you can imagine, was quite frustrating. I called the technician immediately but as it’s a common occurrence, he told me I’d probably have to wait several days before he could help.
I thought, how bad can it be? I’ll just keep typing and emailing and going about my daily business without the letter “S” until the service guy has a free hour or two to fix it.
The first thing I needed to do was send an email to my girlfriend Tammy to see if she wanted to meet up for coffee and shopping:
I heard about a _ale at the mall. The ad indicated a _ample _ale. Do you want to meet up around noon or even earlier? I really want to get new _hoe_. You know me, I love to _hop! And _hopping when there'_ a _ale, perfect!
Of course, Tammy was confused, and now thinks I’m an alcoholic who likes to garden.
Speaking of gardening, my next order of business was an email to my landscaper, Mr. Kerr.
Can you _top by on Wed? You don’t have to bring your whole team, only your _elf. It’ll be a _mall job. I think you can handle it by your _elf.
I would do the job on my own, but I can’t find my _hovel. I thought the _hovel wa_ located in the backyard, but I looked for it and found nothing.
And, I’d like you to _pray for bug_. (Do you do that? _pray, I mean. My neighbor told me he noticed you _praying, _o I thought I would go ahead and have you _pray for me too.)
And, don’t bother to _weep when you are done. I can do all the _weeping needed.
I was so surprised when he didn’t email me back. Still in full-blown “home repair” mode, I thought I’d send a quick email to my contractor, Roberto.
I have a problem with my kitchen _ink. The _pout'_ leaking. Can you fix the _pout? I think the _pout'_ ugly anyway, maybe you can _witch it? Bring _crew_ with you (the cabinet door'_ falling off, it definitely need_ _crew_).
(Oh, and if I’m not here, go ahead and take a _eat on the porch and wait for me.)
Huh, never heard from him either.
A little while later, I posted my latest blog:
“199. Boy_ At Play
I am watching my two _on_ playing and I wonder: why are they _o violent? I don’t remember playing that way with Oakley when we were little. My boy_ really love to do a mock _word-fight. ‘On guard!’ they bellow to one another, ‘on guard!’ Then they hop around, with their fake vinyl _word_. I want to yell, you don’t need _word_! What i_ the allure of _word_ and gun_ anyway?
When we are out in the yard, they take any kind of _tick they can find and make it into a _pear. ‘Look, Mom, I have a _pear!’ They want to _how me their new weaponry. I try to _idle up to them and recommend they put the _harp object down. I make up an excu_e, but they know it’_ a _ham. ‘Why don’t we kick the ball?’ I query.
No. My boy_ don’t want to do that, they would rather _talk an innocent little chipmunk. I watch them follow the tiny animal; the chipmunk doe_n’t realize he’_ being _talked yet. Tall _lip_ quietly next to the chipmunk, and accidentally land_ on a _lug. ‘Yuck!’ he yell_, ‘Mom, what happened to that poor _nail? Look, no _hell.’
I hate _nail_, and I hate _lug_. _hell, no _hell, I can't really tell the difference. But I have to be _aint Mom, and do a funeral for a _lug. We bury it in the _and. We are all _eeking a quiet moment to reflect, and Tall whi_per_ in a _oft tone, ‘Maybe we can go to the _nail _hop and buy a new _nail?’
Great, I think, that’_ what I need: another pet.
(‘Murdering Other Varmint_’)”
Afterwards, I decided to email my good friend Gracie who just had a baby.
Congrat_ to you and Tom! I am dying to meet the new baby. Do you put him in the baby _wing I gave you? I hope you like the blanket I knitted with the dolphin and whale. I wa_ going for a beach theme, I hope you like the _hell motif, too.
What fun to _waddle him up and hold him to your _kin. I’ll bet your family want_ to _coop him right up. What a joy to watch him _mile and _mile all day long.
I_ your _car from your C-_ection very noticeable? I’m lucky, I never had a _car. I think I would hate to have a _car, I really hope you don’t have one.
Remember, life with a new baby might not be a _nap. When you’re running out of _team, give me a call. I’m happy to _it for you, e_pecially if your nerve_ are _hot. (I forgot to tell you I love the photo where you have on the _age color jacket! The _age look_ great on you!)
Next, I emailed my sister Oakley to firm up our Christmas plans and find out more about my brother-in-law’s bike accident:
I’m looking forward to meeting up with everyone for the holiday_! Maybe we can do a fun winter activity like playing in the _now? If the weather’_ really cold, I’d love to _kate. Or _led. I really love the _now!
Do you think there’_ enough _pace for the entire family to be there?
Hey, did I tell you I joined a _printing group? We get together every morning at 5 AM to work on our _printing. I am a great _printer now! I run by, and Zoom! In fact, I am very very fa_t. _o very fa_t! I love how I feel, now that I am really fa_t.
By the way, Mike called and told me about the accident. He told me he wa_ all _hook up. Were you in _hock when it happened, Oakley? Did you _cold him for not wearing a helmet? Next time he goe_ out for a _pin, _imply tell him to put one on. I had to have a _tiff drink after he told me the new_. I’m glad he’_ in _table condition now.
Love to you both,
She emailed back right away, asking who Kate was and had I been drinking? She also attached an article on dieting. I totally don’t get her sense of humor.
Then, I sent an email to my bank to let them know I was having difficulty with my ATM card:
“Dear Crazy Town Bank,
My ATM card i_ not working again. Whenever I _wipe it, nothing happen_. I have tried to _wipe it over and over, but I think the magnetic _trip i_gone? Can you _hip me a new one? You can _end it UP_ if you want.
They replied that they’d be happy to send me a new debit card, but they cautioned me not to over-handle it.
Later, when my computer technician finally called back to set up a time to fix the broken “S” on my keyboard, I told him I didn’t need it repaired after all. Might as well save a little money, as I'm obviously getting along fine without it.
(“Moratorium On Vowels”)