126. Vocabulary

Parents use a peculiar brand of vocabulary, one that is unique to their species. Try as they might to remain "hip" and "cool", they fail miserably. Whereas single people with no children have a penchant for saying things like "stay up all night" (when, in fact, they are referring to attending a really great concert and going to the after-party and hanging with the band), that identical phrase when uttered by a parent invokes unhappy images of colicky babies and projectile vomiting. Here are a few key phrases that parents say daily, and childless people never even get to say once a year:

• Get your feet off him
• The stove is on, don’t touch it again
• Do you need to poop?
• Who put my necklace under the washing machine?
• Let him get in the car first if it matters that much to him
• Do we have to cry about everything?
• His piece of cake is the EXACT same size as your piece
• Yes, the Lego-invader-tower-rescue-center-for-space you built is really cool!
• Did you just hit him on the head with that bat on purpose?
• You sit there and don’t move for 4 minutes until you can say sorry
• Why are there Rollerblades in the tub?
• No, you can’t have a sip of my wine
• Who used green magic marker on the cat?
• You must eat two bites of peas
• Do I eat peas? Uh, yes, I love all foods
• The toy store is closed on Tuesdays
• I mean Fridays
• Spit those Lego’s out right now
• Hold the railing! I said, hold the railing!
• Don’t try to trip him, that’s mean
• What if I tried to trip you?
• Don’t put any more chocolate chips in my purse—they melt
• Please stop wasting the band-aids
• Three band-aids is more than enough
• Don’t touch that! It’s dog poop
• Yes, I’m sure it’s dog poop
• I don’t have to touch it to know, I just know
• Santa knows everything
• The tooth fairy will not pay for teeth that have not been brushed on a regular basis
• Did you forget to wear underwear again?
• Don’t put tape on the cat’s feet, she doesn’t like it
• I like your pretty drawing of a bus!
• I mean house….
• Stop pouring my shampoo in the toilet!
• When you are the boss you can go to Baskin-Robbins every day for breakfast
• You may not wear your pajamas to the library
• I already know my roots are gray, you do not have to point it out

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