Wednesday, September 8, 2010

126. Vocabulary

Parents use a peculiar brand of vocabulary, one that is unique to their species. Try as they might to remain "hip" and "cool", they fail miserably. Whereas single people with no children have a penchant for saying things like "stay up all night" (when, in fact, they are referring to attending a really great concert and going to the after-party and hanging with the band), that identical phrase when uttered by a parent invokes unhappy images of colicky babies and projectile vomiting. Here are a few key phrases that parents say daily, and childless people never even get to say once a year:
  • Get your feet off him
  • The stove is on, don’t touch it again
  • Do you need to poop?
  • Who put my necklace under the washing machine?
  • Let him get in the car first if it matters that much to him
  • Do we have to cry about everything?
  • His piece of cake is the EXACT same size as your piece
  • Yes, the Lego-invader-tower-rescue-center-for-space you built is really cool!
  • Did you just hit him on the head with that bat on purpose?
  • You sit there and don’t move for 4 minutes until you can say sorry
  • Why are there Rollerblades in the tub?
  • No, you can’t have a sip of my wine
  • Who used green magic marker on the cat?
  • You must eat two bites of peas
  • Do I eat peas? Uh, yes, I love all foods
  • The toy store is closed on Tuesdays
  • I mean Fridays
  • Spit those Lego’s out right now
  • Hold the railing! I said, hold the railing!
  • Don’t try to trip him, that’s mean
  • What if I tried to trip you?
  • Don’t put any more chocolate chips in my purse—they melt
  • Please stop wasting the band-aids
  • Three band-aids is more than enough
  • Don’t touch that! It’s dog poop
  • Yes, I’m sure it’s dog poop
  • I don’t have to touch it to know, I just know
  • Santa knows everything
  • The tooth fairy will not pay for teeth that have not been brushed on a regular basis
  • Did you forget to wear underwear again?
  • Don’t put tape on the cat’s feet, she doesn’t like it
  • I like your pretty drawing of a bus!
  • I mean house….
  • Stop pouring my shampoo in the toilet!
  • When you are the boss you can go to Baskin-Robbins every day for breakfast
  • You may not wear your pajamas to the library
  • I already know my roots are gray, you do not have to point it out

MOV ("Missing Our Vanity")

1 comment:

  1. LOL...I love "the toy store is closed on tuesdays...I mean fridays!" HA, I've said it a million times...


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