So I work part-time in a high-end kitchen store (is it possibly the kitchen store you are imagining in your mind right now? yes). My days there are usually uneventful, but I must confess, it's a hell of a lot more interesting when the professional entertainers arrive:
"Excuse me, Miss? I'd like to complain about my free sample. What's the problem? well, the cake is dry and there's too little of it. I'd like another piece."
"Can I talk to a manager? I feel sick after eating that sample. I think it must have nuts in it and you didn't warn me about that and I have allergies. Oh, the large sign that says, 'Contains Nuts' right next to the samples? Well, how could I be expected to read that while I'm eating?"
"I need to return this $2000 espresso machine. Yeah, I've owned it, oh, I guess about seven years and one day it just stopped working! Here's my original receipt I saved. Can I have a brand new upgraded espresso machine now for free?"
"Is your gift-wrapping service free? yes? Great, will you please gift-wrap these items." Five minutes later: "Huh. That looks ugly. I don't care for that wrapping paper you used. What other choices are there?"
"Where are the free samples? You're not doing them today? WHY NOT? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?"
"Huh, I saw that same pan at Target for, like, $40 less. It's a different material? So? Yours is still too pricey."
"I bought this at the Outlet for like 50% off. I don't like it anymore. Can I return it here even though the receipt says 'All Sales Final'?"
"Do you sell clocks?"
"So you sell bath towels?"
"Do you sell wicker baskets to store magazines in?"
"Do you sell ice-cream? I don't mean ice-cream mix. I mean already frozen ice-cream. Why not?"
"Is there alcohol in this margarita sample? why not?"
"Can I return this pepper grinder I stole?"
"I'd like to buy this delicious topping I bought here last year. Uh, I can't remember the exact name, but I think it had the word 'Sauce' in the title."
"I went to make a pumpkin cheesecake and I bought all the special ingredients and had them all mixed and then when I went to pour it in your special cheesecake pan, the pan had a tiny scratch on it and I had to throw EVERYTHING away! It's all your fault and I want my money back PLUS the money for the ingredients. No, I don't have my receipt."
"Do you carry your 'Santa-Blend Holiday Cocoa' all year or just in December?"
"Do you carry the latest book by that really famous cookbook author who is on the cooking channel? Uh, I can't remember her name. She's older, and usually wears a red apron. Oh, wait, maybe it's a guy."
"I am not happy with your free cooking class because you didn't serve enough to make me full. I still have to go buy lunch somewhere now."
"I just ate one of those pink cupcakes you have in your front window display, but they taste stale!"
"The girl put it on hold for me, I called about four weeks ago. You only have a three-day hold policy? What do you mean you put it back on the sales floor and sold it now?"
"My husband dropped this new porcelain platter we got for a wedding present and it broke. I don't have a gift receipt, but I need to exchange it for a new one that is not broken. For free."
"I'd like to look up my best friend's wedding registry." Five minutes later: "Ugh, she sure registered for a lot of stupid stuff! She'll never use these things. Wow, is she dumber than I thought. I guess I'll just buy her what I like."
"This knife broke when I was using it to pry our kitchen window open when it was stuck. I'd like to exchange it because it is obviously defective."
"I should be in your system." (They are paying in cash.)
"I shop here all the time." (You have never seen them in the three years you've worked here.)
"Have you seen my child?"
"Have you seen my purse?"
"Have you seen my cell phone?"
"Have you seen my keys?"
"Have you seen my shopping bags?"
"I can't find my car in the parking lot, can you help me?"
"Have you seen my husband?"
"Have you seen my Starbucks cup?"
"Are you open on Thanksgiving? why not?"
Corporate, if you're listening: Thank you for sending in the entertainers! They give us something to laugh about every day.
("Marvelling Over Variety")