850. Tooth Fairy

The Tooth Fairy made an appearance at our house the other night.  She had planned in advance this time and gone to the bank to procure some fancy gold-colored Sacagawea coins.  Adults, of course, know that Sacagaweas are worth a dollar.  Our six-year-old, however, was not aware of this.  We heard him squeal from the next room: 

“One million dollars!  The Tooth Fairy left me a special gold coin that is worth one million dollars!” 

Uh-oh.  This might not go so well after all.    

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126. Vocabulary

Parents use a peculiar brand of vocabulary, one that is unique to their species. Try as they might to remain "hip" and "cool", they fail miserably. Whereas single people with no children have a penchant for saying things like "stay up all night" (when, in fact, they are referring to attending a really great concert and going to the after-party and hanging with the band), that identical phrase when uttered by a parent invokes unhappy images of colicky babies and projectile vomiting. Here are a few key phrases that parents say daily, and childless people never even get to say once a year:

• Get your feet off him
• The stove is on, don’t touch it again
• Do you need to poop?
• Who put my necklace under the washing machine?
• Let him get in the car first if it matters that much to him
• Do we have to cry about everything?
• His piece of cake is the EXACT same size as your piece
• Yes, the Lego-invader-tower-rescue-center-for-space you built is really cool!
• Did you just hit him on the head with that bat on purpose?
• You sit there and don’t move for 4 minutes until you can say sorry
• Why are there Rollerblades in the tub?
• No, you can’t have a sip of my wine
• Who used green magic marker on the cat?
• You must eat two bites of peas
• Do I eat peas? Uh, yes, I love all foods
• The toy store is closed on Tuesdays
• I mean Fridays
• Spit those Lego’s out right now
• Hold the railing! I said, hold the railing!
• Don’t try to trip him, that’s mean
• What if I tried to trip you?
• Don’t put any more chocolate chips in my purse—they melt
• Please stop wasting the band-aids
• Three band-aids is more than enough
• Don’t touch that! It’s dog poop
• Yes, I’m sure it’s dog poop
• I don’t have to touch it to know, I just know
• Santa knows everything
• The tooth fairy will not pay for teeth that have not been brushed on a regular basis
• Did you forget to wear underwear again?
• Don’t put tape on the cat’s feet, she doesn’t like it
• I like your pretty drawing of a bus!
• I mean house….
• Stop pouring my shampoo in the toilet!
• When you are the boss you can go to Baskin-Robbins every day for breakfast
• You may not wear your pajamas to the library
• I already know my roots are gray, you do not have to point it out

MOV ("Missing Our Vanity")