Friday, September 17, 2010

138. Valedictorian

There are certain people that appear in your life in certain roles, certain functions if you will. For these specific people, you hope with all your might that they got straight A’s in school. They are:

  • Your Pilot
  • Your Brain Surgeon
  • Your Eye Surgeon
  • Your Pharmacist
  • Your Hostage Negotiator
  • Your Contractor
  • Your Car Designer
  • Your Hang-Gliding Instructor
  • Your Mountain Climbing Instructor
  • Your Surfing Instructor
  • Your Divorce Lawyer
You really don’t want someone who wasn’t paying attention that day or who possibly cheated off the “smartest” kid in the class.

Pilot: Damn, were we supposed to go to Paris, France or Paris, Texas? I always get those two confused. Oh, and do we have enough fuel if it is France? I really need some more coffee.  How do they measure fuel in France anyway, is it metric? is that something I need to worry about? you got A’s in Pilot School, didn’t you Co-pilot?

Brain Surgeon: Can you pass me that metal pointy-stick-thing, please? God, I forget the name of it again! No, no, not the one with blood all over it, the other one. Argh, I dropped it. Okay, the one with blood on it is all right I guess. Hurry up! I have a 3:30 tee time reserved.

Eye Surgeon: Nurse, this is such a simple surgery because honestly lasers do just about everything. The only real risk is if the laser is held in one place too long it can cause blindness, but that rarely happens. Hey, do you want to get a beer after work? There is this new brewery that just opened down the street. I tried it last week-end and I just got hammered!  So. Much. Fun.  Yeah, you want to go?  Ooops! (long silence) Well, good thing he has two eyes, huh?

Your Pharmacist: 100 mg, 1000 mg, 10,000 mg—wait, what was the right dosage? I can’t really decipher this doctor’s writing. Hmmm, can’t make that much difference I suppose. Gosh, maybe I should have been a fashion designer like I really wanted instead of going to pharmacy school like my dad wanted. I was never that good at math.

Your Hostage Negotiator: Release him now! What, you’re not going to release him? Fine. We don’t care. Just kill him then. Ha ha! We call your bluff! (loud bang) Uh, what was that noise?

Your Contractor:  They were out of 2 x 4's....... I think these 2 x 1's might work okay.  I hope.  Oh, and that metal I-beam?  It is super-duper expensive, so let's see if we can support the roof without it.  I'm betting we can.

Your Car Designer:  This is a dumb job.  God, I hate this job.  I always wanted to be on Broadway!  I have the voice for it, I just need to get an agent.  Maybe I should move to New York.  Who cares about these stupid petals and if they stick too much when you press them with your feet.   

Your Hang-Gliding Instructor: So the key thing to remember is always keep your chin down and your eyes up……… or, uh, no! eyes down and chin up, that’s it. I think. Anyway, you are securely belted in and you do have a parachute…….. oh, uh, looks like we forgot to fasten your parachute on. Dude, not good.

Your Mountain Climbing Instructor: Just be sure to hold on to this sticky-out piece of rock, just grab it then attach your metal hooky-doodles. Oh, you want to take a picture of that ravine? Nice camera!  Is that the new Nikon?  Yeah, I think that would make a good shot. Might be a tad back-lit, though.  Can you force the flash?  Here, I can hold your hooks for you…….. damn!

Your Surfing Instructor: Dude, it's so great to see older people like yourself taking an interest in surfing!  Hey, do you smoke weed, 'cause I scored some seriously good stuff today.  No?  Well, let me know if you change your mind.  Do you see that dolphin in the distance?  Wow, he's fast!  Look, he's almost to us now!  Uh, I sure hope it's a dolphin.  I've never seen sharks around here before.

Your Divorce Lawyer: He has absolutely zero rights, according to this ironclad pre-nup you had him sign. You'll get everything: the kids, the house, the vacation home, the cars, all the total liquid assets. Oh, wait..... this is the pre-nup YOU signed. That does change things a bit.

On second thought, you don’t want these individuals to have merely earned straight A’s; you pray that they were actually their class valedictorians.

(“Mindless Otherwise Vacant”)

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