MOVarazzi

Thursday, August 30, 2012

837. You Are Divorcing Your Husband and Marrying Target

It's true.  You have known Target longer, and Target has been more loyal.  Remember that time your husband cheated on you with Gwyneth Paltrow in that über-realistic dream?  See, Target would never do that. 

You have a secret date with Target tonight.  Don’t tell anyone.  You are heading out for “school supplies” right after dinner.
Target is there, waiting for you.  Smiling.  Winking.  Opening doors (automatically).  When is the last time your husband opened a door for you? 

Target does not judge nor criticize.  Target does not say, “Hon, do we really need new green and white throw pillows for the living room?  I kinda like the yellow ones we already have, plus I think you just bought them a couple of months ago.”  No.  Target would never say such a thing.  Instead, Target whispers, “I can give you 25% off the green and white pillows because they just went on clearance.” 
Target knows how to talk sexy.  Target does not say things like, “I can’t believe you didn’t wash the lunch dishes.  What have you been doing all day, anyway?”  Instead, Target volunteers, “Did you know that Pepperidge Farm Mint Milano cookies come in a mini-version now?  Aisle 32.” 

Your husband stopped understanding you years ago, perhaps on your honeymoon.  Oh, sure, he is kind and considerate, but he never opened a boutique Starbucks in a corner of your kitchen. 
Target did. 

Target is thoughtful like that.  You go to Target and right by the front door is the barista, waving and saying your name.  The barista has your double-tall-extra-foam latte waiting for you. 
Your husband might play games with the kids in the backyard, pretending to "bond" by running around and making up silly variations of Hide and Seek that combine it with Marco Polo.  However, Target is smarter because Target has witnessed the essence of your children and knows what makes them tick:  rampant materialism.  That's right, Target has toys.  Legos, Hot Wheels cars, Pokémon, action figures, Star Wars items, sporting equipment.  Toys for boys, none of this Let’s hang out and spend quality time together mumbo jumbo.       
So you buy the new pillows, the mini Mint Milanos, and your special latte.  You also buy a cool woven purse and some fake suede shoes that were not exactly on the official list.  Remarkably, you somehow remember to purchase a few packs of highlighter markers and fresh pencils to meet that “school supplies” criteria. 

You drive home, humming your Target tune (“I love Target, yes I do,”).  You walk in the door of your house and are immediately assaulted by your sons, who squeal, “Did you remember to get us anything from Target?”  You pour out the items onto the dining room table and the children cheer when they see you bought them each a toy car for a dollar.    

“I love Target so much, Mom!” enthuses your older son.  “I think I will marry Target when I grow up!" 
Get in line, kid. 
MOV

22 comments:

  1. Holy crap I miss my lover Target soo much MORE now! I don't want to marry Target, but I'm very happy with our secret hour-long trysts when I can get them. There really is no good German substitute.

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    1. maybe the apfelstrudel makes up for it??

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  2. Ha! So funny!
    I'm soooo excited - Target is finally coming to Canada. In fact there's going to be a Target store just a half an hour's drive from me. Be still my heart!!!!!

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    1. See, Target probably read my blog and realized how many people NEED Target! Congratulations on your future relationship with Target. I wish you many years of bliss and friendly baristas.

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  3. MOV, it seems you have the best of both worlds, you love Target, ad hubby has to pay for the love-affair. ":)

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    1. ha! no, I work part-time and pay for my own Target affair.......

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  4. Sorry, I'm already married to Target. And Costo. Maybe even BBB. Yes, I'm a polygamist.

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  5. My marriage is safe because Target isn't close by -- well, not as close as other stores. But, I hear you on the loveliness that is the Target world.

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  6. And Target doesn't leave his dirty socks on the floor...
    Blessings, Joanne

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  7. I'm sorry but I'm trying to get a bill put forth that will prevent large department store chains from marrying. It ruins the sanctity of marriage.

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  8. Target has such beautiful, spacious aisles. Plenty of room to maneuver the shopping cart. Not crowded like the place that starts with "W" and belongs to Satan. How do I love the, Target? Let me count the ways.

    Love,
    Janie

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  9. Our Zellers is turning into a Target in February. I'm kind of excited. (This is in BC Canada).

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  10. Yes, and when Target does something wrong, he is fairly respectable about taking it back if you can provide proof (just not over $75 without proof in one year's time).

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  11. Okay, a few things here.

    1) Awesome closing line.

    2) I went to Target today to return the Crock Pot that my sister gave to me for my birthday, which was kinda broken. I had been putting it off, because I figured they would blame it on me. But the guy was SO FRIENDLY and gave me a gift card for the value of the Crock Pot within SECONDS! It was a sigh of relief, and when I got the replacement Crock Pot and used my gift card to buy it, I found out that it was ON SALE! I still have $4.23 on the gift card. So I actually MADE MONEY for having a broken Crock Pot!!!!

    3) My friend Jeremy always talked about how he would get homesick during college. Homesick to a depressing degree. And he would go to the local Walmart and just walk around the store for an hour or two because it reminded him of home... since all Walmarts are laid out the same. I can't quite pinpoint it, but I think there is a connection with this and your desire to split with the hubby for Target.

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  12. Target IS very chivalrous. Whoever said chivalry is dead never met Target.

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  13. I don't think I know a single person who doesn't like Target. A couple of times I've hired a sitter only to find out my original plans were canceled. Instead of canceling the sitter I've spent a few hours with Target. Almost as fun as happy hour!

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  14. I don't think you and Target really know each other as well as you think you do, or else you'd know that Target clearance discounts are never 25%, but always 15%, 30%, 50%, 75%, or sometimes the Holy Grail of 90% off. Are you sure you know each other well enough to marry? I suggest premarital counseling with the personal shopper of your choice.

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    1. Good point. Is this Marianne? Marianne, is that you??

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  15. You know what I love about Target? They have the best selection of Halloween candy, and it's well-stocked, too! Take that Walmart.

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    1. Ha! so true. And I love the bite-size Kit-Kat bars. Yum-o.

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  16. Mrs. Tuna would marry Target too, except she would have to divorce her husband Curtis Stone first.

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