837. You Are Divorcing Your Husband and Marrying Target

It's true.  You have known Target longer, and Target has been more loyal.  Remember that time your husband cheated on you with Gwyneth Paltrow in that über-realistic dream?  See, Target would never do that. 

You have a secret date with Target tonight.  Don’t tell anyone.  You are heading out for “school supplies” right after dinner.

Target is there, waiting for you.  Smiling.  Winking.  Opening doors (automatically).  When is the last time your husband opened a door for you? 

Target does not judge nor criticize.  Target does not say, “Hon, do we really need new green and white throw pillows for the living room?  I kinda like the yellow ones we already have, plus I think you just bought them a couple of months ago.”  No.  Target would never say such a thing.  Instead, Target whispers, “I can give you 25% off the green and white pillows because they just went on clearance.” 

Target knows how to talk sexy.  Target does not say things like, “I can’t believe you didn’t wash the lunch dishes.  What have you been doing all day, anyway?”  Instead, Target volunteers, “Did you know that Pepperidge Farm Mint Milano cookies come in a mini-version now?  Aisle 32.” 

Your husband stopped understanding you years ago, perhaps on your honeymoon.  Oh, sure, he is kind and considerate, but he never opened a boutique Starbucks in a corner of your kitchen. 

Target did. 

Target is thoughtful like that.  You go to Target and right by the front door is the barista, waving and saying your name.  The barista has your double-tall-extra-foam latte waiting for you. 

Your husband might play games with the kids in the backyard, pretending to "bond" by running around and making up silly variations of Hide and Seek that combine it with Marco Polo.  However, Target is smarter because Target has witnessed the essence of your children and knows what makes them tick:  rampant materialism.  That's right, Target has toys.  Legos, Hot Wheels cars, Pokémon, action figures, Star Wars items, sporting equipment.  Toys for boys, none of this Let’s hang out and spend quality time together mumbo jumbo.       

So you buy the new pillows, the mini Mint Milanos, and your special latte.  You also buy a cool woven purse and some fake suede shoes that were not exactly on the official list.  Remarkably, you somehow remember to purchase a few packs of highlighter markers and fresh pencils to meet that “school supplies” criteria. 

You drive home, humming your Target tune (“I love Target, yes I do,”).  You walk in the door of your house and are immediately assaulted by your sons, who squeal, “Did you remember to get us anything from Target?”  You pour out the items onto the dining room table and the children cheer when they see you bought them each a toy car for a dollar.    

“I love Target so much, Mom!” enthuses your older son.  “I think I will marry Target when I grow up!" 

Get in line, kid. 

MOV