Thursday, January 20, 2011
304. What Does MOV Stand For Anyway
It’s been reported to me that people are under the impression that this blog is run by only one person. The 22 of us who work here got a huge laugh out of that. First of all, how could one person possibly write so much amazing material in such a short amount of time and continue to produce quality essays day after day after day for over six months now?
The answer is: she can’t. MOV is, if you must know, a corporation. MOV actually stands for (ready?) Multinational Organization Vertex. (If you are wondering what “vertex” means, and 21 of us were, Webster’s defines it as “the highest point, top”—this is as opposed to “vortex” which means “black hole, suck the life out of, disappear completely; alternate definition: motherhood”.)
So, here at Multinational (that’s what we call ourselves for short, I mean, who even knows how to pronounce “MOV”? that’s goofy, isn’t it? Should it be MOV, like the color mauve, or is it actually the letters pronounced individually M-O-V? Who knows?), 22 people labor day and night (well, truthfully a lot of nights) to bring you writing so sharp, you might cut yourself (it’s just an expression, the only cutting around here is paper-cuts).
We thought, since we are finally exposing this sham for what it really is (a sham), that you might like to meet some of our team. First and foremost, we have our Chief Writer. She is a cutie-pie, despite her drastic mood swings. Give her a piece of Godiva chocolate, and she turns nice. Second, we have our Lead Researcher (that’s “lead” pronounced “leed”, not “led” researcher. What is there even to research about lead? Uh, that it’s bad? that they make pencils out of it?). She goes on that little website (Google) and finds out things, important things, to report back to you.
Third, we have our invaluable Focus Group Consultant. She talks to focus groups and get people’s opinions about potential blog ideas. If they are dumb ideas and she decides to do them anyway, she might have someone post a few choice comments about those particular postings.
This brings us to our Comment Poster. I know, I know, here you thought all those wonderful comments were legit. Here’s a hint: they’re not. Any time you see a comment that says “Oh, that was the best blog I ever read, you are hilarious!”, yep—that is our good old Comment Poster. She takes her job very very seriously. In fact, the other day when a couple of us (well, 17 or so) were complaining that Comment Poster was useless and a money suck on payroll, BAM, she goes and comes up with this whole banter back and forth between “MOV” and some random commenter. It was like, “I hate your blog” and then the response was, “Go away don’t read it” and on and on. She, like, totally got a raise after that. Do you know how high our ratings went in just that one day?
Payroll Administrator. Her job is super-important, because this is, after all, a job where we all get paid. Our Chief Writer gets paid (and I’m not embarrassed to tell you this because you could just Google it anyway) one million dollars per year. We feel she is worth more, but the Payroll Administrator says that’s all we can afford for now. Everyone else on staff gets $500,000 per year, plus stock options. We feel we are being underpaid, but in this economy, what can you do?
Who did I leave out? Oh yeah, High-End Kitchen Store Advisor. She basically helps us to “keep it real” by constantly keeping us abreast of what it would be like to work in a nice store. MOV does not actually work there, as she does not need to (remember the part about the million dollar salary?). It is, however, super-critical that everything sound official and believable.
There are a few jobs I am leaving out (boring stuff like Snack Getter), but the last job I want to mention is probably the Really Great Liar.
She wrote this whole post.
(“Multinational Organization Vertex”)