85. Instruction Manual: How To Have A Happy Day

Contrary to popular opinion, happiness does not find us. Instead, we must find happiness. That being said, I thought I would offer my lovely words of wisdom, an instruction manual if you will, on some simple steps to Achieving A Happy Day:

• Step One: This is actually a helpful hint for the night before. When setting the alarm clock, it is imperative that one checks that it is set for AM and not PM, unless one does not actually have to get up until 6:30 PM the following day for one's graveyard shift at, oh, I don't know, the Factory or somewhere. The alarm must be checked even though The Husband might (repeatedly) assure one that it is set properly. He is wrong.
• Step Two: It is lovely and helpful to start the day with fresh coffee. When adding the water and getting ready to press the "START" button, it might make sense to take a quick peek to see if one remembered to actually put the grounds in this time. Unless one does prefer murky water yet again as a fun way to start the day.
• Step Three: Hopefully, one remembered to wash one's child's swimsuit the night before so one does not have to scramble like a crazy person after waking up late when the alarm does not go off again.
• Step Four: It is smart and helpful when one realizes that one is out of toothpaste to ACTUALLY WRITE IT ON THE GROCERY LIST IN THE KITCHEN instead of just borrowing the kids' disgusting bubble-gum flavor toothpaste for the fifth day in a row.
• Step Five: When one realizes that The Husband has "accidentally" taken today's newspaper to work, one should just calmly call him and leave a pleasant message as a simple reminder instead of saying a few four-letter words that one's kids might repeat.
• Step Six: When one's lovely children start saying some choice four-letter words, one needn't be so coy as to say, "Where the hell did you pick up that word?!"
• Step Seven: One might think that one does not need to recharge the cell-phone battery every night, but here one would be wrong.
• Step Eight: When one dashes out to swim lessons (that have been cancelled and they have been trying all morning to call one but the cell phone battery is dead) and one shows up and no one else is there, one should not start crying in the parking lot in tandem with one's children. This looks bad.
• Step Nine: When one has regained one's composure and decides to go to the park instead, it might be smart to have a few refreshing drinks on hand.
• Step Ten: One might try to remember that water bottles that have sat in the 100 degree car the day before do not qualify as "refreshing". Additionally, one should make every attempt to not scold one's children for being thirsty, or worse, tell them they "should have packed something" themselves.
• Step Eleven: When one returns home and decides it is a good time to water the lawn, one should make every attempt to keep one's house keys in a convenient pocket in case one's darling Angel Children decide it is funny to lock their mommy out. Like last time.
• Step Twelve: When one finally gets back in the house and one realizes that there is a giant spider on one's arm, it is never a good idea to scream, "Aaarghhhhh! Get it OFF of me! I hate spiders! I am scared to death of spiders! It must be poisonous and it's going to bite me and we are all going to die!" (side note: the frantic and spastic accompanying hop/ dance/ spin/ swat movements do not really help the situation either).
• Step Thirteen: If one fails to heed the advice of Step Twelve, then one should not be the least bit surprised when one's children are deathly afraid of spiders. (But one should still say to The Husband, "Honey, honestly, I have no idea why they are so frightened of bugs. It is really unnatural.")
• Step Fourteen: If one's younger son has broken one's older son's Lego's when one was not paying close attention for an extended period of time, one should learn that is is not very smart to say, "Uhh, it was me! Mommy broke it! I am so sorry! I just, uh, stepped on it by mistake." First of all, one's older son is not stupid. Second, the Lego's were up on a shelf.
• Step Fifteen: When The Husband returns home from the calm happy place called "Work", it is not nice to say within earshot of one's children (as one is walking out the door to one's part-time job in the high-end kitchen store), "Ha ha, now I get to go to MY oasis and you get to deal with everything! Good luck!" This might give one's children a complex that could result in years of therapy that one might have to pay for in the future. One should keep such thoughts silent inside one's head.
• Step Sixteen: And when one is driving back home from the high-end kitchen store, one does not need to stop at the liquor store just assuming that The Husband has in fact already drank the last bit of the vodka. Although in this particular case, one would be right.

It might be a good idea to reread this list a few times, and perhaps commit it to what is left of one's memory.

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("Mom Ordered Vodka")