My son is gullible. If the side of the cereal box proclaims “Best Cereal Ever!” he’s convinced we have to buy it. If a video game is advertised on TV as “life-changing,” he immediately hammers at me to include that little morsel in my next Target run (never mind that we don’t own—nor do I want to own—a video game system in which to play said video game). Specific sporting shoes cast their allure. Certain snacks must be procured. It is hard, as a parent, to remain immune to the constant infusion of “must-have” items.
Here is a transcript of a typical conversation in our home:
Tall: Mom! Mom! Come quick!
Me: (running down stairs and almost slipping and breaking neck due to obvious urgency of situation) Here I am! What is it? Are you okay? (breathless)
Tall: (pointing excitedly at TV commercial) Look! Here is that Lego/ Pokemon/ Club Penguin/ Best New Toy Ever thing I was telling you about! You have to buy it for me!
Me: That’s why you called me down here?
Tall: (unfazed) Yes. What do you think? Isn’t it cool?
Me: Huh. Well. Do you want to spend your own birthday or Christmas money?
Tall: (flabbergasted) What? NO. Of course not. You can just write a check and then it doesn’t cost anyone anything.
Me: Wait—what? A check IS money. The money is in the bank and writing the check gives the bank permission to give the money to whoever you wrote the check to.
Tall: (dumbfounded) Are you sure?
Me: (dumbfounded at what he must not be being taught in first grade) Of course I’m sure!
Tall: Oh. (slight pause) Well, can you buy it for me anyway? I need it!
Me: Why? What does it do?
Tall: It spins/ jumps/ does my homework/ drives me to soccer! I must have it!
Me: No. I can think of better uses for our money. Like food.
Tall: You are so mean, Mom. All my friends have (insert name of unlikely product here) and I am the only one who doesn’t! (runs from room, pouting)
I have decided to take matters into my own hands and address the real instigators of this mess that has become my life, a life of perpetual battle with a seven-year-old over useless garbage that will be in the landfill in a matter of days. Here goes:
MOV’s Open Letter to Advertisers Everywhere
“Please leave my sons and their impressionable brains alone. My older son believes everything you say, even the blatant lies (‘hours’ of fun? who are you kidding? we finished that game in about five minutes). And the younger son wants to BE the older son, so it’s only a matter of time before he falls prey to your guerrilla advertising tactics.
Go pick on someone your own size (uh, on second thought, please leave my husband alone as well). At least an adult might have a fighting chance, or a modicum of willpower and resistance. On behalf of tired mothers everywhere, I beg you to just make your product and quietly sell it. If it’s truly any good, I’ll be happy to buy it—you don’t need to manipulate my child into pressuring me to spend a week’s pay on some random junky thing that he’ll forget by next week.
You could adopt a new ‘truth in advertising’ approach. This is how your new ad could look:
‘Our product is pretty good. Most of the time. If it’s something you need, by all means, please buy it. If not, well, think about it for next time.’
See? That wasn’t so hard.
Sincerely,
MOV”
I made 20 copies and sent the letter out to the worst offenders (Disney, Kellogg, Hasbro, Pillow Pet, etc). I have already heard back: they all apologized and sent me coupons. Guess who helped me open the mail that day? Yes, Tall. Now we have yet another reason to buy their products—discounts! I can’t win.
MOV
(“Mother Of Victims”)
Showing posts with label truth in advertising. Show all posts
Showing posts with label truth in advertising. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Monday, July 26, 2010
70. Lawn Cushions
So I receive the latest "Restoration Hardware: The Summer Edition" catalog. Obviously, the Universe has deemed today a "good day".
I eagerly start devouring the pages as if they were chocolate bon-bons (which they might as well be). Then the record scratches: ekrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Lawn cushions? Outside? Princess is confused.
I do not currently own any lawn cushions. I like the "idea" of them, but I just don't understand the reality of them. Practical Princess wonders: Do they stay outside ALL THE TIME? And if that is true, don't they get wet when it rains? and don't they get mildewy? and don't birds poop on them? And how, exactly, is that supposed to be enticing: bird poop cushions?
Restoration Hardware laughs at my concerns. No, I mean literally. I call their 1-800 number, and ask the salesperson how these cushions work. The Customer Service Representative who is lucky enough to pick up the phone for my call is named Marshawna. She good-naturedly says that no one has ever asked her how the cushions "work", and then she follows up with the aforementioned "laugh" (in retrospect, it may be merely a nervous giggle; I mention this information is going in my blog and she may become quite famous). She asks if I can be more specific about the purpose of my call. I tell her the truth: that I am incredibly lazy and I really do not have time to clean these so-called "outdoor" cushions before every use. She sighs a big sigh of relief, and says
Marshawna: Oh! I see what you mean now. No, no, no, you absolutely DO NOT have to clean them every time! Ha ha ha, that would certainly be a lot of work wouldn't it? These cushions are low-maintenance, and you can tell that by the two letter code highlighted in yellow that precedes the SKU number: "LM". See the code? That stands for "Low-Maintenance". You do not have to clean them all the time! These cushions are virtually work-free! Nothing could be simpler. What makes it so simple is that all you have to do is bring them inside or store them in your garage.
Me: (incredulous) You are telling me that I have to bring the OUTSIDE cushions INSIDE my house after every use?
Marshawna: (in sing-song happy voice) Not every use. Just most uses.
Me: But, see, that DOES sound like a lot of work. In fact, carrying them back and forth is probably more work than just cleaning them. I don't know if this is a wise purchase for me.
Marshawna: Hmmmm. (Sound of pages flipping in the background) Well, then one product that might suit your individual needs is located on page 17, a wonderful teak storage bench that houses up to three large cushions. You could buy that too and store them inside. That way, you wouldn't have to move them very far OR clean them.
Me: I don't have enough money to buy all those things. Can't I just leave the cushions OUTSIDE since the description says they are OUTSIDE cushions?
Marshawna: (still perky) Well, it is just the manufacturer's recommendation to bring them indoors between uses, to, you know, extend the life of The Product. You don't have to do it.
Me: But if I don't do it, what happens?
Marshawna: Ummm, it really depends on the type of climate situation you are residing in.
Me: I don't live in Antarctica or anything.
Marshawna: Well, that's good because shipping costs extra there. It is just that, under normal circumstances, the cushions might get wet and possibly dirty if you leave them out all night.
Me: So now you are saying that I have to bring them in every single night? I can barely remember to feed my cat and I will have this new responsibility too if I buy these cushions?
Marshawna: (a little impatient now) Honestly, I don't think it will hurt anything if you skip a day. What kind of climate did you say you live in?
Me: I live in Crazy Town, which has sort of a normal climate: rain in the spring, sun in the summer, wind in the fall, and then some snow in winter. Pretty typical, middle-of-the-road, Average Joe climate. Unless there is an earthquake. Or flood. Or tornado. Or hurricane. (getting carried away) Or avalanche or blizzard or...
Marshawna: (interrupting) The product information guide says that these cushions are not intended for "outdoor snow activities".
Me: I'm not planning on snowboarding with them.
(long uncomfortable silence)
Marshawna: (starting to sound annoyed) Did I answer your question then?
Me: I guess so. So, hey, one more thing then, Marshawna: I just want to know what the exact purpose of these cushions is?
Marshawna: The main function of these cushions is to "provide a comfortable sitting experience", especially if you happen to have wood furniture. I'd say another selling feature is that they look nice. (closing the sale) How many would you like to order?
Poor Marshawna. She is missing my point entirely.
My Inner Princess is none too happy about the extra work these lawn cushions will end up being. Gardening and watering duties have already been delegated to Princess and that pretty much is all she can handle. The cushions go unordered. Besides, I have ultimately come to the happy-and-money-saving conclusion that my patio furniture is actually fairly comfortable and looks okay without cushions.
Excuse me while I go remove this splinter from my butt.
MOV
("Multitude of Outside Variations")
I eagerly start devouring the pages as if they were chocolate bon-bons (which they might as well be). Then the record scratches: ekrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Lawn cushions? Outside? Princess is confused.
I do not currently own any lawn cushions. I like the "idea" of them, but I just don't understand the reality of them. Practical Princess wonders: Do they stay outside ALL THE TIME? And if that is true, don't they get wet when it rains? and don't they get mildewy? and don't birds poop on them? And how, exactly, is that supposed to be enticing: bird poop cushions?
Restoration Hardware laughs at my concerns. No, I mean literally. I call their 1-800 number, and ask the salesperson how these cushions work. The Customer Service Representative who is lucky enough to pick up the phone for my call is named Marshawna. She good-naturedly says that no one has ever asked her how the cushions "work", and then she follows up with the aforementioned "laugh" (in retrospect, it may be merely a nervous giggle; I mention this information is going in my blog and she may become quite famous). She asks if I can be more specific about the purpose of my call. I tell her the truth: that I am incredibly lazy and I really do not have time to clean these so-called "outdoor" cushions before every use. She sighs a big sigh of relief, and says
Marshawna: Oh! I see what you mean now. No, no, no, you absolutely DO NOT have to clean them every time! Ha ha ha, that would certainly be a lot of work wouldn't it? These cushions are low-maintenance, and you can tell that by the two letter code highlighted in yellow that precedes the SKU number: "LM". See the code? That stands for "Low-Maintenance". You do not have to clean them all the time! These cushions are virtually work-free! Nothing could be simpler. What makes it so simple is that all you have to do is bring them inside or store them in your garage.
Me: (incredulous) You are telling me that I have to bring the OUTSIDE cushions INSIDE my house after every use?
Marshawna: (in sing-song happy voice) Not every use. Just most uses.
Me: But, see, that DOES sound like a lot of work. In fact, carrying them back and forth is probably more work than just cleaning them. I don't know if this is a wise purchase for me.
Marshawna: Hmmmm. (Sound of pages flipping in the background) Well, then one product that might suit your individual needs is located on page 17, a wonderful teak storage bench that houses up to three large cushions. You could buy that too and store them inside. That way, you wouldn't have to move them very far OR clean them.
Me: I don't have enough money to buy all those things. Can't I just leave the cushions OUTSIDE since the description says they are OUTSIDE cushions?
Marshawna: (still perky) Well, it is just the manufacturer's recommendation to bring them indoors between uses, to, you know, extend the life of The Product. You don't have to do it.
Me: But if I don't do it, what happens?
Marshawna: Ummm, it really depends on the type of climate situation you are residing in.
Me: I don't live in Antarctica or anything.
Marshawna: Well, that's good because shipping costs extra there. It is just that, under normal circumstances, the cushions might get wet and possibly dirty if you leave them out all night.
Me: So now you are saying that I have to bring them in every single night? I can barely remember to feed my cat and I will have this new responsibility too if I buy these cushions?
Marshawna: (a little impatient now) Honestly, I don't think it will hurt anything if you skip a day. What kind of climate did you say you live in?
Me: I live in Crazy Town, which has sort of a normal climate: rain in the spring, sun in the summer, wind in the fall, and then some snow in winter. Pretty typical, middle-of-the-road, Average Joe climate. Unless there is an earthquake. Or flood. Or tornado. Or hurricane. (getting carried away) Or avalanche or blizzard or...
Marshawna: (interrupting) The product information guide says that these cushions are not intended for "outdoor snow activities".
Me: I'm not planning on snowboarding with them.
(long uncomfortable silence)
Marshawna: (starting to sound annoyed) Did I answer your question then?
Me: I guess so. So, hey, one more thing then, Marshawna: I just want to know what the exact purpose of these cushions is?
Marshawna: The main function of these cushions is to "provide a comfortable sitting experience", especially if you happen to have wood furniture. I'd say another selling feature is that they look nice. (closing the sale) How many would you like to order?
Poor Marshawna. She is missing my point entirely.
My Inner Princess is none too happy about the extra work these lawn cushions will end up being. Gardening and watering duties have already been delegated to Princess and that pretty much is all she can handle. The cushions go unordered. Besides, I have ultimately come to the happy-and-money-saving conclusion that my patio furniture is actually fairly comfortable and looks okay without cushions.
Excuse me while I go remove this splinter from my butt.
MOV
("Multitude of Outside Variations")
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