MOVarazzi

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

633. The Name Game

I have always been terrible with names. I lie and pretend I’m not. I turn to my best friend for validation and I say, “I’m great with names! Right, Lisa?” “It’s Shelley.”

The problem is, when I first meet someone, I have a million random thoughts buzzing through my head like so many annoying mosquitoes trapped in a screened porch in July, each demanding attention: Is this person having a good first impression of me, Have I already met this person before, Do I have broccoli in my teeth, Do I have bad breath, Did I put enough quarters in the parking meter, Did I accidentally park in the handicapped spot, Does this person have kids the same ages as my kids, and Did I already say what my name is?

That last one is a big part of the problem. I have a name that is quite similar to another (popular) name, so people are forever misunderstanding me when I introduce myself. “Hello, my name is MOV,” I’ll say as clearly as possible while shaking the woman’s hand, and then she’ll lean in and mumble, “It’s a pleasure to meet you, MOVela. I’m (Some Name), I think your son is in my daughter’s class.”

The resultant noise in my brain is overwhelming, what with having to correct her about her misinterpretation of my name (I certainly don’t want her to continue calling me the wrong name) as well as the brand new information that Short (or Tall? which one!?) knows her child (are they friends? is this an opportunity here? do I need to attempt to set up a playdate now?).  A simple introduction has become a complicated game of mental chess where I have already ricocheted five moves ahead.  I ignore the basic premise of meeting someone, which is to learn their name.  I know I need to concentrate, but then I am distracted by her pretty scarf or distinct accent or some other completely irrelevant detail that has absolutely nothing to do with her preferred moniker and how the hell I am going to remember it. 

You can see how I get into trouble. All the books on improving memory suggest repeating the victim's new person’s name back to them, as in Stephanie, it is so nice to meet you! I’ve heard wonderful things about you, Stephanie! I am happy to finally put a face to the name, Stephanie!  (Although, as an aside, doesn't the overzealous parroting of someone's name make you sound like an exceptionally eager and over-caffeinated bank employee desperately trying to win the customer's loyalty and convince her to open a CD or refinance her mortgage?)  Or, failing that, the helpful books advise coming up with imagery you associate with the person, like if her name is Lily, you visualize a lily across her forehead so that every time you see her you remember, Yes of course—Lily!

I search the Google of my mind for an image of a lily to mentally graffiti onto her unsuspecting face. Oops—I think that’s a daisy. What do lilies look like, anyway? Tulips? Roses? And what color are they, are they always white? Or can they be blue? What is the name of that blue flower I like, is it iris? Wait—did she actually say her name was Iris?

She is moving on to the next person she is meeting here at school, or work, or a party, or wherever, and she turns and says, “Great meeting you again, MOVela! We should get together for tea sometime!” and there I am stranded: Again? Why did she say again? Again as in right now again, or again as in she met me last week again? And do I look like a tea person? Maybe most MOVelas drink tea? Is MOVela a British name? Does she think I’m British? I could be British, but I hate tea. I have tried tea with sugar or without, with milk or without, hot, cold, with lemon, and you know what—I am just not a tea person.

Yes, yes, let’s get together for tea or coffee sometime, that would be lovely! Thanks, Iris! er, I mean Rose?

I fare no better at events with name tags, as messy penmanship is involved. The worst is when I am suddenly required to introduce two people who I supposedly know to each other. “Milk, this is my dear friend, uh, Tennifer.” They both wince and then re-introduce themselves with very boring versions of the names I just said, like Mike and Jennifer. Then learn how to write your damn names, Mike and Jennifer! Do they take a perverse pleasure in making me guess? How hard is it to write legibly? Set the glass of wine down and focus for five seconds.

The Husband approaches me and leans in to whisper something. “How are you doing with learning everyone’s name?” he asks slowly, like he's talking to a four-year-old.  

“Awful,” I confess. “I hear them say their names, but it’s like I forget the name as they are saying it. I swear, I am really trying!” I am relieved that he has taken the time to come over and help me, so I gaze up at him with my eyes full of admiration and love. He confuses this look for drunk.

“MOV, I have an easy way to remember people’s names. Just listen to them. Without distractions. Set the glass of wine down and focus for five seconds.”

Oh, that Gusband. He thinks he’s so smart.

MOV

30 comments:

  1. I have a similar problem with my name and giving it to new people. The name is Jennie - not Jenny as in Jennifer. Within 60 secs of giving my name 50% of people are calling me Jennifer. ugh. Not Jennifer - just Jennie. As a result, I've been "just Jennie" my whole life.

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    1. Oh, Jennie, you totally get what I mean then.

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  2. Ditto MOVela, I mean MOVanna, uh MOViette I have the same problem and don't you just hate those people who are good at names and make you feel all warm and fuzzy and like you really are important to them by remembering yours - dicks!

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    1. Yes, I just hate them because they are big fakers, *pretending* to get your name right and then they, uh, they get your name right. Wait-- what was my point?

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  3. Oh MOV. We are once again sharing a life. But if I don't know a person's name, I have a terrible tendency to re-name them according to what I believe they should be called ("he looks like a Steve...I'm calling him Steve"). My British, tea-drinking 92 year old Nana doesn't understand how she can have a granddaughter who can't introduce people OR drink tea (I'd rather die of thirst). Have a good one, Amy! (because you kind of look like an Amy).

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    1. Marianne-- no fair having a waaaaaaaaaay funnier comment than my whole blog. What's up with that? (and how does your husband like being called Steve?)

      And I have been called Amy before, and Jennifer!

      Delete
  4. I once let a resident call me Marc for 3 months... I was too polite/(embarrassed for him!) to correct him.

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    1. I hope you finally set him straight, Martin! er, Michael!

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  5. I'm so glad I use a fake name, otherwise you'd have an opportunity to butcher my real one.

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    1. I promise I will never ever ever never cross-my-heart-hope-to-die butcher your name, Mrs. Peanut Butter.

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  6. I'm so terrible with names, I sometimes introduce myself by saying, "I'm Haley! I'll probably have to meet you two more times before I remember your name. It's really nothing personal."

    I think some people are just naturally good with names, and some aren't. The other night, I ran into someone I used to work with and hadn't seen in two years, and he remembered my name. I was floored. I still think he might be some kind of wizard.

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    1. There are a lot of wizards who live around here and they all expect ME to some sort of name wizard as well. Alas...........

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  7. I completely and utterly fail at remembering names. I remember faces. I remember weird, random facts about people that I haven't seen in 10 years, but names? Not so much. It's a curse.

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    1. this is why I like you so much! we are practically the same person!

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  8. People think I am slightly eccentric in the real world as well as in cyberspace, although I deny both on the grounds that if you think you are eccentric then you are not. And as I once did I therefore cant be, even if people still say it in both the real world and cyberspace. But I always make a strong point of telling everyone I cant remember names and the next time I see them I will not have a clue who they are. Sometimes they test me and ask and I say SORRY I DO NOT HAVE A CLUE WHO YOU ARE; too much amusement to almost everyone except my own family who get slightly irritated when I guess their name and get them mixed up with the dog. No I am not joking I have done that more than once.

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    Replies
    1. but the thing is, so you remember the dog's name?

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  9. I can't wait to see what you do with "Motaki".

    -Motaki, the Aspiring Falconer

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    1. Oh, Motaki, your name is just unusual enough to be forever burned into that tiny space in my brain reserved for important names. Yep, you might be hogging up the space that should have gone to President, uh, uh, I'll think of it.........

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  10. If you are some actor playing a bit part in a movie that I saw five minutes of, ten years ago, I'm totally going to remember your name. If you're the parent of some kid in my kid's class, and I've been formally introduced to you at least five times? Forget it. Not that I don't try; I just can't. I remember the kid's name though, and that's the important thing, really, because that's who I need to tell to stop picking their nose and pull up their pants, right?

    I must respectfully disagree about the tea, though. Milk and sugar, please. I do keep coffee on hand, but it's likely crap. So, if you come by, you might want to bring your own coffee. And don't use the bathroom.

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    1. I love it! (the part about you remembering actors names.)

      As for the tea, you may have my share. :)

      Delete
  11. I got your book yesterday from Amazon, but I'm not able to go to the signing event on saturday night. Are you going to have another book signing event in Falls Church?

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    1. yay! so glad you got my book. i am happy to sign it for you next time I see you, Kai!

      thanks!
      MOV

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    2. I'll be at the store from Sunday to Tuesday at 2:30 to 10:00

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  12. Replies
    1. You're welcome! I most likely will stop by the store on Tuesday. :)

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  13. I am an ace at Trivial Pursuit, which proves my head is full of interesting useless facts. I also never forget a face, real person or actor. Which is possibly why I can't remember names - I have no room left. I would have to forget a bunch of stuff that could win me a bar game! Heaven forbid.

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    1. My brain filled up in 1985. I know all the Brat Packers, all the John Hughes movies, all the words from all the Madonna songs. But the name of the lady who is room mom for Tall's 2nd grade class? Not so much........

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  14. Oh, MOV! You are listening into my A.D.D. addled brain! This is exactly (really!) what goes on in my head, and if there are shiny objects around to further distract me - they will. "Oh what pretty earrings, where did you get them?" "I love your hair, it is such a great color on you." "Oh look, a squirrel!" (I wish I had bought that t-shirt.) Whatever it is that will distract me - WILL!!!
    Thanks for letting me laugh about someone else with the same brain game going on. It is so very frustrating.
    Doesn't someone telling you to "Just Focus", always really help, too? ; )

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  15. Hi Patty, yes, someone telling you to "Just focus" is exactly like them saying, "Oh, careful!" or "Watch out!" right AFTER you just tripped on something. Unless they have that oh-so-helpful time machine with them to say that 30 seconds earlier, the only thing I want to hear is, "Are you okay???" And yes, I also need the squirrel t-shirt. *sigh*

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  16. Firstly, I nearly un-followed you when i read you don't like tea (I have about 5 cups a day, even in summer). Then I realised that's dreadfully judgemental, and you're far too funny for me to stop reading!

    I've given up trying to correct people who don't say my name right. I'm like 'Hi, I'm Ayesha' "Hello ayeesha", 'urm, no, it's ayesha, like eye-sha' I say, intending to point to my eye, but end up poking my own eye and getting frustrated and by the time i calm down that person is running away in the opposite direction....I'm great at socialising.

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When you write a comment, it makes me feel like I won the lottery or at the very least like I ate an ice-cream sundae. (This has nothing to do with the fact that I did just eat an ice-cream sundae.)