Water is refreshing. Water is the life force that connects us all. It can be angry (the ocean during a storm), calm (a lake), or happy (a gurgling fountain). Everyone loves water; but it can also drown you.
When I became a mother, it was initially refreshing. And by “refreshing,” I mean I had to refresh my memory about everything I thought I had learned in my nine months of studying up on what to do with a baby. Because I actually knew nothing.
Squash newborn floppy head into a onesie? Not a clue. How to get baby spit-up stains out of favorite clothes? Just throw them in the trash, they’re ruined. What to do when infant screams all night for no apparent reason? Hold him, feed him, and invest in a really great set of Bose noise-reduction headphones.
I look around at all the beleaguered mommies at the pediatrician’s office. They are there to get shots and yearly check-ups for that sweet new life that society calls “child,” but they should beg for a nice little Vicodin or Percocet prescription for themselves while they happen to be in a medical facility.
Force. We do everything by force, of course. Force him to brush his teeth, force her to go to the bathroom, force them to do their homework, force him to apologize for inadvertently using a little too much, uh, force (that word again!) and leaving a nasty bruise when he kicked his brother's leg. The force is with us.
Motherhood is all about connections. Connections to distant family, connections by phone and email, connections with new neighbors and friends, connections to teachers, connections to the right toy store employee who always calls with a friendly reminder the day before a big sale.
I can be angry. Angry about not being listened to, angry about being ignored.
I can be calm, usually as the school bus pulls away and both my kids are on it. I feel beautiful turquoise waves of calm wash over me. This feeling last until 3:30.
I am happy (most of the time). Happy my sons are happy, happy they are healthy and smart and lucky.
Yet I drown. Daily. I am drowning in laundry, drowning in the experience of motherhood, drowning in the excessive paperwork required to be an accepted card-carrying “parent” (Social Security cards/ bank accounts/ immunization records/ macaroni artwork/ Target coupons/ library books/ Kindergarten class photos/ birthday party invitations/ magazine articles telling me how to do it all and have it all, yet the magazine never actually sends the assistant over to demonstrate), drowning in trying to fulfill everyone’s (society’s? my husband’s? my own?) unrealistic expectations.
But mostly I drown in love.
MOV
("My Ordinary Vision")
Showing posts with label hilarious mommy blog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hilarious mommy blog. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Thursday, August 26, 2010
110. Guilt Quiz
How can you attain the title of Best Mom Ever if you are not monitoring your Daily Guilt Levels (DGL)? To do this, I have devised this simple quiz to assess your personal DGL and help you identify areas that need improvement.
1. Which most accurately describes your parenting style?
A. Mother Theresa
B. Desperate Housewives
C. Old Yeller
2. What is your first thought when waking up in the morning?
A. I can’t wait to change a poopy diaper!
B. Please, God, let today be a week-day so they have preschool
C. I think I’ll go to the gym, oh, wait, I can’t: I have kids now
3. Your definition of “dinner” is (circle all that apply):
A. Filet mignon and lobster
B. Grilled Chilean sea bass with a side of asparagus
C. Anything McDonald’s serves
D. The chicken nuggets my kids didn’t finish eating
4. Your idea of a “vacation” is (choose one):
A. Paris for two weeks
B. Hawaii (preferably the Big Island) for one week
C. A quick drive up the coast to stay in a charming Bed and Breakfast for a week-end
D. What’s a “vacation”?
5. When your friends see you on the street, they
A. stop to chat
B. tell you that you look fabulous and ask if you’ve lost weight
C. want to schedule lunch soon
D. don’t recognize you
6. The last time you got your hair cut was
A. yesterday
B. last week
. 3 months ago
D. What’s a “haircut”?
7. Your ideal fun night consists of
A. dancing the night away
B. watching a movie
C. watching “Dancing with the Stars”
8. Your “Dream Team” consists of
A. Hairdresser, personal trainer, stylist
B. Maid, cook, chauffeur
C. Me, Myself, and I
9. When you want to celebrate as a family, you go to
A. Chart House
B. Gramma’s house
C. Chuck E. Cheese’s house
10. Number of errands you accomplish on a “good” day:
A. At least six sometimes seven
B. Usually three, maybe even four if the places are all close together
C. People get more than one thing done in a day?
11. If you were arrested, it would be for
A. running an unlicensed day-care in your home—the neighbors’ kids are always at your house playing!
B. running all the appliances at once: dishwasher, washing machine, outdoor sprinklers
C. running a yellow light (trying to get too many things done)
D. running away from it all by yourself (to Hawaii or maybe Paris)
12. Fill in the blank: “My car is ______________.”
A. spotless, just got back from the car-wash
B. empty, need to stop and get gas
C. being towed, forgot to move it for street sweeping
13. When you think of the word “water,” you automatically think
A. of California beaches
B. need to give the kids a bath tonight
C. ohhh, was I supposed to water the lawn this morning?
14. Fill in the blank: “Paper is for____________.”
A. reading
B. writing on
C. wrapping gifts
D. wiping bottoms
15. Finish the phrase: “Home is where__________.”
A. the heart is
B. the mess is
C. I don’t have to change out of my sweatpants
16. Which work-out describes your typical routine?
A. Brisk 5 mile run daily
B. Weights, some cardio
C. Wait around for kids, cart them off
D. Work-out? Huh?
17. Finish the phrase: “The grass is always ________.”
A. soft, lush, and well-manicured
B. greener on the other side
C. dead. Wait, is it supposed to be green?
18. Define “make-up”:
A. Foundation, eyeliner, mascara, lipstick, blush
B. What you and your husband do after an argument
C. Synonym for “invent” (invent/ make-up excuses for why you are late again)
19. If you won a million dollars, how would you spend it?
A. I really have everything I need. I would donate it all to charity.
B. Pay off the house; set the rest aside for the kids’ college funds
C. Vegas, baby!
Scoring:
Mostly A’s—do you even have children? This is a mom’s quiz. Go back to reading your Travel and Leisure magazine (the one with Tahiti on the cover).
Mostly B’s—you maintain a good balance of staying true to yourself and your kids. What’s your secret? Mostly C’s or D’s—you are a miserable failure. Welcome to Motherhood.
MOV
(“Motherhood Or ... Vegas”)
1. Which most accurately describes your parenting style?
A. Mother Theresa
B. Desperate Housewives
C. Old Yeller
2. What is your first thought when waking up in the morning?
A. I can’t wait to change a poopy diaper!
B. Please, God, let today be a week-day so they have preschool
C. I think I’ll go to the gym, oh, wait, I can’t: I have kids now
3. Your definition of “dinner” is (circle all that apply):
A. Filet mignon and lobster
B. Grilled Chilean sea bass with a side of asparagus
C. Anything McDonald’s serves
D. The chicken nuggets my kids didn’t finish eating
4. Your idea of a “vacation” is (choose one):
A. Paris for two weeks
B. Hawaii (preferably the Big Island) for one week
C. A quick drive up the coast to stay in a charming Bed and Breakfast for a week-end
D. What’s a “vacation”?
5. When your friends see you on the street, they
A. stop to chat
B. tell you that you look fabulous and ask if you’ve lost weight
C. want to schedule lunch soon
D. don’t recognize you
6. The last time you got your hair cut was
A. yesterday
B. last week
. 3 months ago
D. What’s a “haircut”?
7. Your ideal fun night consists of
A. dancing the night away
B. watching a movie
C. watching “Dancing with the Stars”
8. Your “Dream Team” consists of
A. Hairdresser, personal trainer, stylist
B. Maid, cook, chauffeur
C. Me, Myself, and I
9. When you want to celebrate as a family, you go to
A. Chart House
B. Gramma’s house
C. Chuck E. Cheese’s house
10. Number of errands you accomplish on a “good” day:
A. At least six sometimes seven
B. Usually three, maybe even four if the places are all close together
C. People get more than one thing done in a day?
11. If you were arrested, it would be for
A. running an unlicensed day-care in your home—the neighbors’ kids are always at your house playing!
B. running all the appliances at once: dishwasher, washing machine, outdoor sprinklers
C. running a yellow light (trying to get too many things done)
D. running away from it all by yourself (to Hawaii or maybe Paris)
12. Fill in the blank: “My car is ______________.”
A. spotless, just got back from the car-wash
B. empty, need to stop and get gas
C. being towed, forgot to move it for street sweeping
13. When you think of the word “water,” you automatically think
A. of California beaches
B. need to give the kids a bath tonight
C. ohhh, was I supposed to water the lawn this morning?
14. Fill in the blank: “Paper is for____________.”
A. reading
B. writing on
C. wrapping gifts
D. wiping bottoms
15. Finish the phrase: “Home is where__________.”
A. the heart is
B. the mess is
C. I don’t have to change out of my sweatpants
16. Which work-out describes your typical routine?
A. Brisk 5 mile run daily
B. Weights, some cardio
C. Wait around for kids, cart them off
D. Work-out? Huh?
17. Finish the phrase: “The grass is always ________.”
A. soft, lush, and well-manicured
B. greener on the other side
C. dead. Wait, is it supposed to be green?
18. Define “make-up”:
A. Foundation, eyeliner, mascara, lipstick, blush
B. What you and your husband do after an argument
C. Synonym for “invent” (invent/ make-up excuses for why you are late again)
19. If you won a million dollars, how would you spend it?
A. I really have everything I need. I would donate it all to charity.
B. Pay off the house; set the rest aside for the kids’ college funds
C. Vegas, baby!
Scoring:
Mostly A’s—do you even have children? This is a mom’s quiz. Go back to reading your Travel and Leisure magazine (the one with Tahiti on the cover).
Mostly B’s—you maintain a good balance of staying true to yourself and your kids. What’s your secret? Mostly C’s or D’s—you are a miserable failure. Welcome to Motherhood.
MOV
(“Motherhood Or ... Vegas”)
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