Sunday, December 18, 2011

603. Sexy Money

Christmas is all about Sexy Money. Sexy Money is money spent on diamonds and smiles. Sexy Money likes to show off by making children giddy and best friends say “You shouldn’t have,” when they don’t really mean it. Sexy Money never has regrets.

Sexy Money shops at art galleries, Italian shoe boutiques, Pottery Barn, and over-priced electronics stores. Sexy Money loves museum gift shops, leather, suede, handblown glass, and anything considered “impractical.”  Sexy Money sleeps with the latest Neiman Marcus catalog under the pillow. 

Sexy Money despises words like replace furnace, new roof, or needs braces for three years.  Additionally, mold in the basement and broken septic pipe are against Sexy Money's religion and any mention of them make Sexy Money instantly envision lunging for the phone to call that sleek Art Deco hotel in Miami, the one right on the beach near that trendy coffee house, to book a weekend getaway.               

Sexy Money does not waltz into Home Depot to look at refrigerators. No. That makes Sexy Money cringe. Refrigerators are part of contract negotiations inside a marriage, they are never even in the same zip code as Sexy Money.

Once, a husband might (ruefully) utter a phrase like, “So this Kenmore fridge can be our Christmas gift to each other,” but a wife will immediately (if not sooner) wilt him with a look, a look that says Tiffany’s is down the street and that is where we are headed next, you fool.

A husband might (sadly) still not get it and continue on with “In that case, let’s just get the $700 one, I think a fridge that costs any more than that is just a waste,” to which a wife will rub her ears and wish at that moment that she was partially deaf, like her dad. Instead, she will ignore the comment, march over to the sales manager and declare, “We want the floor model. Knock 25% off the price.”

The sales manager will flinch, just a little, and then follow up with some mumbo jumbo about how they never sell floor models, blah blah blah.

A wife will look the sales manager right in the eye, not just the eye but the deep center of the pupil, the only person who ever looked in his eyes that deeply was his fifth grade teacher when he was reprimanded for cheating off his friend’s homework, and a wife will say, “Sir, I refuse to spend a penny more. I know it’s December and all, but this is not Sexy Money.”

The sales manager will laugh, of course he will laugh. He is not familiar with this new term, but he is already figuring out how to work the phrase into his next conversation. He will be in the back stockroom about five minutes after this couple leaves, regaling his co-workers with the story of The Refrigerator Purchase Not Being Sexy Money.

A wife and a husband leave, without a resolution and without any new kitchen appliance. They return home to their lovely Colonial and its rebellious refrigerator that refuses to keep things cold anymore and instead actually warms things. The couple has been eating a lot of protein bars lately.

After a few more days and a few high-pitched conversations and some late-night Internet trolling for appliance deals, there is a phone call confirming the delivery of a new refrigerator, one that keeps things cold as it was designed to do.

There is also a distinctive robin’s egg blue box with a white satin ribbon under the tree. Sexy Money, indeed.   


*with infinite thanks to Stephanie S. for sharing her story and also to Peggy for my new favorite term!!!


  1. I know not of this Sexy money of which you speak! I am a very sensible gift-minded Virgo. Since working in a hospital lab for many many years I no longer really wear jewelry except for the wedding band - and I am a girly-girl really. You would cringe to know that my husband and I bought ourselves new kitchen cabinets for Christmas! I am just as thrilled as he is! :o)

  2. Hilarious! Especially the confrontation with the sales manager and lines like, "broken septic pipes are against sexy money's religion."


  3. A VW turn signal is not Sexy Money, either!! : (
    We then had a long talk about surprises and why presents are wrapped and yes, we are still married. 25 years.

  4. My non-sexy refrigerator is being delivered on Tuesday. Merry Christmas. sigh

  5. Yeah well, in my mind, Sexy Money doesn't buy a new flat screen TV no matter what the man might think.

  6. Certain things should be against the law, as far as gifts, appliances unless they are a gas grill for him, cars unless they are a sexy convertible with all leather everything, and engagement rings unless they are over 3 carats and a fancy cut and color.

    Nola, as in sexy, Rice

  7. Sexy money has never visited my house. His poorer, more practical cousin has, though. Every February something seems to go berzerk at our house. We've had to replace a water heater, new washer and dryer, plumbing issues, resurface the fiberglass get the idea.

  8. If the box is a part for the refrigerator, it seriously isn't sexy.
    -Motaki, Aspiring Falconer

  9. hi friends!! oh, this blog was über-fun to write!

    jennie--I think I might make an exception for the new kitchen cabinets. If they are not Sexy Money, they might be Sexy Money's fun cousin: Lusty Necessities.

    lily-- you just won my "Favorite Reader of the Day" award! You get for your prize to read my blog again tomorrow and the next day. I know! I'm a giver like that. :)

    Tucson Patty--kindred spirits, aren't we? Anything car-related ("tires", "battery") is intrinsically NOT Sexy Money. (the exception of course is an entirely BRAND NEW CAR, esp. a convertible, like Nola says, and potentially in red. That is Sexy Money underlined and in all caps.)

    Le'Ann-- Merry Christmas to you! Sorry about your (un)sexy fridge.

    Tuna--hey, I could be convinced about the flat screen, as long as we can tape House Hunters and Top Chef!!

    Nola-- I agree!

    Couse--what is with Feb? good thing it is a short month.......

    taki--never thought of that!


  10. MOV, do husbands ever come into the high end kitchen store and buy super expensive salt and pepper mills and think "that's the something sparkly she wants"? Umph. Happened to me last year, and I traded them in for a Coach Bag.

  11. meg--oh, yes, all the time. (the irony is that my store is RIGHT NEXT TO the Coach store!) Although, here is a great story and I should spin it into a blog: a guy came in yesterday and bought some chocolate for his wife. The way he was talking ("that's the only thing I need to buy for her") made me think he was being cheap (he was dressed VERY nicely so this was annoying to me, this stingy attitude he seemed to have). Then, he goes and says that he bought his wife a NEW CAR for Christmas, complete with giant bow like on a TV commercial, and he can't wait to surprise her (!). I of course instantaneously thought of marrying this man, but clearly he is already married, as am I. And then I felt bad (not for divorcing my husband in my head and remarrying the stranger to get a free car) but because I had originally thought this guy was being cheap.


  12. I am so lucky that my sweetie believes in spending sexy money at Christmas. This year: topaz and diamond earrings. It's definitely not a genetic thing, since his father regularly buys unsexy Christmas gifts for his wife, like the infamous garbage bin for her minivan gift.


When you write a comment, it makes me feel like I won the lottery or at the very least like I ate an ice-cream sundae. (This has nothing to do with the fact that I did just eat an ice-cream sundae.)