MOVarazzi

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

511. Opposite-ing

Do you know what opposite-ing is? Of course you do. If you have a husband or a small child, then you are well acquainted with opposite-ing. It is the phenomenon where you do something, something good like, say, set the old heavy wool blanket by the front door so you will remember to put it back in your car later where it belongs, and then your beloved husband comes along and does something bad (hence, the term opposite-ing) to “help” you and he takes the blanket (that he knows resides permanently in your car) all the way down to the linen closet in the basement and puts it on the shelf where it most certainly does not belong. You, however, in your naiveté (even though you have been married over 10 years and should surely know your husband and all his quirks by this point), think that he might have been proactive and put it back in the car for you. Well, actually, you don’t even think about it, because: out of sight, out of mind.

Until you are looking for some kitchen dish towels in the closet a week later, and there is the blanket, saluting you. Hi, you! calls out blanket, and you think, Huh? I distinctly remember putting the blanket by the front door, how in the world did the blanket get all the way down here where it does not belong?

Then you have your answer: opposite-ing.

Children are great opposite-ers. You make your bed, they come along and pull every sheet, pillow, blanket, dust ruffle off to make a “fort.” (Be assured that opposite-ing is not just reserved for things like blankets, these are only two small examples in less than a 24-hour time period.) You vacuum the living room, and one of your children immediately remembers his live plant the teacher gave him and he must show you this instant and—whoops!—just like that, he spills all the dirt in the small pot all over your (formerly) freshly-vacuumed carpet. Opposite-ing at its finest.

You put all the children’s shoes away in the closet where they belong. Ten seconds later, your home resembles a shoe factory that has vomited all over your living room. Seems the kids got all the shoes back out because they “couldn’t find them” when they are stored in the closet. Opposite-ing in pairs.

You bring the stack of clean but wrinkled laundry upstairs to fold and you set it on the bed and when you take a quick phone call, the pile is gone. Where did it go? Your husband took it downstairs and put it in the hamper. So it can be washed. Pure, clean, opposite-ing.

You set a stick of butter on the counter first thing in the morning because you are going to make cookies later and you need the butter to soften up for your special recipe. Your husband comes along and, unbeknownst to you, puts the butter back in the fridge to be “helpful.” You find this out when you have preheated the oven and gotten out your mixer and laid out the rest of your ingredients and are now ready to mix, and the butter has somehow disappeared.  Raw opposite-ing.

You set the library books that are due today right next to the front door as a visual reminder so you will take them back to the library before a three-figure sum is owed (again), and your husband comes along and—POOF!—the books have vanished! You assume (because you are not just naïve, but stupid) that your husband took the books back to the library himself. That is, until that very night when you go to read a bed-time story to your children and you reach on the shelf for a book and you see (to your horror) several library books nestled in among the books you do, in fact, own. You recognize the books, the library books, because they clearly stand out as “different,” namely because they have Dewey Decimal call numbers on them and are covered in special library-plastic that you have no idea where to buy or if it is even sold to consumers. You are well aware that you do not own any books covered in this special heavy-duty-millions-of-people-can-touch-this-book-and-it-won’t-be-ruined plastic. You call out to your husband and say something along the lines of Why are these books that were by the front door on OUR bookshelf now? To which he responds (helpfully), I put them away for you! I was being helpful!

Opposite-ing in its pulp-fiction form, my friends.

I could think of myriad more examples, I know I could, but I have to zip out right now. To the library. Before they close.

MOV

17 comments:

  1. Older oppositing - full gas tank, empty gas tank. Pint of blueberries for baking, no blueberries. Money in wallet, well I guess that's always gone! ;-)

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  2. Maybe your fluffy towel is in that basement linen closet with the car blanket!?
    I am so glad that this phenomenon has a name. I have many "helpful" members in my house and oppositeing has nearly driven me to despair! Now instead of tearing my hair out Perhaps I can shrug and say "Aha I've been opposited!"
    -L-

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  3. My husband has been traveling for business all summer, so I've been at home with our three boys, ages 5, 2, and 1. This post actually made me cry, I commiserate so much. I can't clean up a damn thing in this house without them wrecking it/covering it in crud/spilling it or peeing/pooping/puking on it.

    I think I give up.

    I love being a mom, my kids are blessings, blah blah blah. Now where's the beer?

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  4. This happens here all the time. But with my husband he has to take it to the extreme....like...dumpster diving opposite-ing. I throw it away. He thinks we still need it and digs it out of the trash. We played this game with cookie dough I had bought from a fund raiser. I decided it had been in the freezer too long so put it in the trash. I open the freezer the next day and it's back. So I lay it in the sink to defrost, thinking he surely won't want soggy, defrosted cookie dough to be re-frozen; when it is defrosted, I can throw it away (it wasn't good cookie dough; I'd tried some) When I get back from running an errand - I smell cookies baking. Oh yes he did. He was so determined to keep that dough he went to the trouble of baking it. *sigh*
    I'm glad we are not the only opposite-ing couple out there.

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  5. Patty,

    As for the gas in tank, I am the one who is guilty of driving it until empty (then The Husband says, "Wait-- I JUST filled it up for you! How can it be empty already? Did you, like, drive to Hawaii or something?!").

    L,

    Yes, the first step is acceptance (and giving it the name "Opposite-ing" means it is real).

    teatimewithmandy,

    Good God, woman, THREE boys under the age of 5? When is this "tea time" of which you speak? (and I agree, I think you need a beer). My kids are 7 and 5 now, but when they were 4 and 2, my days were *filled* with opposite-ing. It got to the point where I'd think, "Why bother to straighten up the toys, they will only be messy again in 2 seconds."

    HW,

    Ohmygosh, he took the cookie dough OUT OF THE TRASH and then it boomeranged back into the freezer and sink and finally got baked? Bwahahaha ha ha ha! I am laughing so hard! that really seems like something that might happen at my house, heaven forbid we should "waste" something. (Shades of me finding jar/ canned food that I had THROWN OUT because it was expired BACK IN THE CUPBOARD courtesy of The Husband : "Expiration date? Honey, that is only a suggestion. Those dates don't really mean anything. The food should be good at least another couple months." Yuck! The kids and I are not going to be the guinea pigs in *that* culinary experiment! He will be eating that lovely meal solo, ha ha).

    best,
    MOV

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  6. TH has obvs never had Food Poisoning. FP causes you to vomit your stomach out. I had it once and if milk is within 3 days of the date, I will not drink it (thanks, bacon from when I was 6!).

    Pincushion Motaki (i got four vaccines and a nasal flu thing. D:)

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  7. Hi Pincushion Motaki,

    The bizarre thing is: The Husband *has* puked his guts out because he is extremely allergic to avocadoes. So you think he would be a tad bit more sensitive to expiration dates......

    best,
    MOV
    ps-- hope you feel better!

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  8. Not-Pincushion MOV-ee,

    Jeez. Maybe you should put a tiiiiiiiny bit of avocado juice into the "not" expired stuff he wants to eat. Thought process:

    "Hey! This is awesome!" -consumption-
    [insert gut-expulsion here]
    "I. WILL. NEVER. DO. THAT. AGAIN."

    -~Pincushion Motaki (who is sore again due to greeting a person who came home, thanks for the well wishes, galldarn HPV vaccine is Sen-Sit-Ive)

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  9. I don't like this post.

    I LOVE IT. It is so unforgivingly true.

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  10. taylor,

    that is the really sad part: it is, like, UBER-TRUE.

    best,
    MOV

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  11. Really funny post, I went back and read your posts! Kudos!

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  12. pugsx4,

    thank you! I totally live for nice reader comments like yours. :)

    best,
    MOV
    ps-- coming out with a book of my best posts before Xmas time! more info to follow...

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  13. Yes! I know opposite-ing! I was changing an outdoor lightbulb today, which required a step ladder and some tools. I handed my husband the light fixture cover and asked him to rinse it off before I put it back on. He trotted off, and I got down from the ladder to wipe down the front door while I waited for him to come back. He returned, and climbed up the ladder and put the cover on for me since I was still cleaning the door. When I was done, I turned on the light switch and the light didn't work! Wait! This was a new bulb! So I got up on the ladder, thinking maybe he didn't screw in the bulb tight enough. I took the cover off. No bulb. Just the cover. Uhm, opposite-ing?

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  14. most definitely opposite-ing!

    say hi to that brother-in-law of mine.....

    love,
    MOV

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  15. I have no idea if you'll see this comment, but you really, really, have to stop spying on me! It's creeping me out. You totally lifted this post from a day in my life, didn't you? I just never had such a good word for the shennanigans.

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  16. hi couse wife! I read each and every comment, sometimes five times or even more, so I can reconfirm to myself that BY GOD someone somewhere is INDEED reading what I wrote! so thank you for that. My ego just grew three whole sizes.

    Yes, that Oppostie-ing is quite a phenomenon, isn't it? I just had to coin a word for it because it was driving me batty. So glad that I am not alone in experiencing its upsetting-ness. ("Upsetting-ness"? and I call myself a writer? in what language?)

    best,
    MOV

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  17. I vote "yes" on upsetting-ness. (I am an editor so I get to vote on new words, right?) Ok, maybe not, but it's a fine word.

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