118. But I Don't Want Your Help

Will I automatically be nominated for Worst Mother Ever if I don’t want my preschooler to help me in the kitchen?

About an hour before I need to get ready for work, I decide to make cookies. Without much fanfare, I start to line up the ingredients in a neat little row (in the correct order they will be used) on the counter. Poof! —out of nowhere materializes the same child who typically must be called eight times to put his shoes on when we need to leave.

“Are you making cookies?! I’ll help you!” he offers with the breathless enthusiasm normally reserved for million-dollar lottery winners.

“Uh, that’s okay, Short, I don’t have a lot of time, I’ll just make them really fast here. You go back and play with your brother’s Lego’s some more.”

He ignores me and grabs a step-stool so he can “help” me stir.

“Short, really, I’ve got it. If Mommy can make them fast, you can have THREE cookies to eat after they bake.”

“NO!” he insists, “I break the eggs!” He looks up at me with big blue eyes and a huge grin. The thought that immediately pops to mind is why won't you ever smile in photos?

He reaches for the whisk.

"Short! Wait!"

I know what you’re thinking: Wow, that MOV sure is a mean mom. What's her problem?

I’ll tell you what my problem is. The last time we indulged in this “family togetherness cooking fantasy”, the following occurred (not necessarily in this order):

• half the flour ended up on me (too lazy to wear an apron, natch)
• several pieces of egg shell added to the overall crunchiness of the cookies
• the bottle of vanilla was broken on the floor (why do we not buy plastic bottles for everything?)
• ONE WHOLE BAG OF CHOCOLATE CHIPS WAS DEPOSITED ON THE FLOOR (why can't we spill things on the counter, or even the sink? what is it about the floor? is there some sort of secret magnetic force-field there beyond basic gravity that I am unaware of?) and
• it was a miracle that our family (mercifully the only guinea pigs subjected to this cruel baking experiment) didn't get sick eating these “cookies” because the entire bowl of batter was sneezed on by my preschooler

It's enough to make a mom run out and buy a bag of stale Chips Ahoy.

I love my sons, and I truly want them to learn about cooking and baking, but it is just really really hard for me to “let the mess happen”. I am beyond a Typical Virgo (you know, the ones who just iron their socks?). I have graduated into the realm of Hyper-Virgo: if I had my way, my house would look ready for a real estate open house 24/7. I have been known to yell at The Husband for “sleeping too messy” (would it kill him to not kick all the covers off every single night?). I have actually folded up the newspapers so they line up the same way.  For the recycling bin.

So you can see how difficult it is for me to reconcile the twin desires competing for dominance: keep kitchen looking half-way decent (and my sanity intact) OR teach children valuable life skills.

Sigh.

“Wait a second ... ” I hear myself say, “let me help you put on your Star Wars apron.”

MOV
(“Messy Official Volunteer”)

114. Excuse Me, Are You Famous?

(Fun Airline flashback moment)

So I’m working in coach today on a narrow-body, 757. It’s a full flight from Los Angeles to Maui. This is not my typical schedule due to my very low seniority (I like to call it “juniority”); I've only been flying the better part of a decade for United at this point.

This particular flight is fully staffed by five other “Senior Mamas” (with minimum 35 years flying experience each) and somehow somewhere some crazy lazy person (who has probably already been to Maui 317 times) calls in sick, enabling ME the final spot on the jumpseat and the awesome opportunity to go to Maui for 24 hours.

Yippee! Maui. Who cares if I am way back here in coach?  Heck, I’d work out on the wing if it gives me the chance to go to Hawaii.

Flight’s full. We're in the middle of our meal service when I see it. A script. The person who holds it looks scraggly. I don’t really care. Besides being a fabulous flight attendant, I also am an aspiring screen-writer.  

I'm bold. I internally register the title of the script (a well-researched novel currently on the New York Times best seller list) and then I go up to Script Holder and whisper, “Are you a producer?”

Script Holder is somewhat taken aback (as well he should be). He laughs and says, “No.” And nothing more.

Am I supposed to guess? It looks that way:

"Director?"

"No."

"Agent?"

"No."

"Writer?"

"No."

"Uhhh," grasping at straws here, "... camera man?"

Script Holder thinks this is really really funny. He laughs a hearty laugh, as does his wife who has overheard most of our conversation.

“No.”

I walk away, dejected. Who randomly sits around on flights to Maui reading scripts? This guy must have some sort of job related to some sort of Hollywood-type thing.

I am very very curious now.

This has obviously become a game to him. I pick up trash from other passengers for a while and then I go back to his seat to bother him some more (who cares about getting fired when this Script Holder might hold the key to my Hollywood future as a Very Important Writer!).

“Hi, me again. Sorry. Uh, if you don’t mind me asking, what exactly do you DO?”

I am leaning in here, trying not to garner any attention from any other passengers in the vicinity. Script Holder is REALLY suppressing a smirk here. His wife rolls her eyes (she is wondering if she’s being punk’d). Script Holder looks me in the eye with his penetratingly gorgeous blue eyes and says,

“I’m an actor.”

I give a blank look. What the hell? He looks like a homeless person who hasn’t showered in 8 days. He is older, early 50’s or so. He's wearing an old ratty (ratty, not natty) Hawaiian print shirt, khaki shorts, worn-out flip- flops. He has long, almost shoulder-length dirty blond hair, and his skin is a sun-burnt reddish tan. He is tall, all elbows and knees, and his lanky frame (6 foot something?) is quite bent and folded in his cramped coach seat. Maybe he is a character actor? or possibly he just does voice-over's?

Due to my penchant to make an absolute fool of myself in any given situation, I just CANNOT let it go.

“An actor. Oh, that’s nice. Huh," ... long pause (not 100% believing him) ... "Have you been in anything I might have seen?”

The formerly lowly flying-in-coach Script Holder, who has now morphed into Self-Proclaimed "Actor" status, chuckles. He shakes his head like he just got out of a swimming pool. Another laugh, actually more like a guffaw this time--he's really enjoying this. Relishing it, even. He sizes me up and finally replies,

“As a matter of fact, I just did a little film you might of heard of with Kevin Spacey.”

“Kevin Spacey! Wow!” I say, impressed. Everyone knows who Kevin Spacey is! This guy has met Kevin Spacey! That’s pretty good for an “extra” or someone just starting out.

I wander off because another paying passenger (but not a Hollywood Connection) asks me for a pillow. After thinking about it for a couple minutes, I decide that (due to Script Holder’s laughter) I must be stupid, and so I go up to First Class and nonchalantly as the situation can allow ask the Purser if I can view the Passenger Manifest. I start to scan the seat numbers and names. 32D—oh, shit.

Jeff Bridges.

Academy Award Winner, Jeff Bridges. Fabulous Baker Boy, Jeff Bridges. Big Lebowski, Jeff Bridges. Why would I make this up? Oh, yeah, and the script he reading? Seabiscuit. I need to apologize to him. I need to somehow erase my bizarre behavior (and as an aside, just between you and me, what the hell is he doing in coach? Come on! Doesn’t he make, I dunno, like a gazillion million dollars per picture? Shouldn’t the Jeff Bridges that you and I have both heard of be kickin’ it with his lovely wife and three daughters in First Class? Or possibly a private jet? It dawns on me that he is trying to “go incognito” this trip.)

I want to redeem myself somehow. I know this whole encounter is the story he is telling his local Maui friends tonight over drinks and dinner.

What can I do at this point? I go up to the very famous and talented actor Jeff Bridges and say, “Mr. Bridges, your secret is safe with me.”

He looks me in the eye, with possibly the same look he gave Michelle Pfeiffer when she was lounging on that piano hitting the high notes, and says simply, “Thank you.”

MOV
(“Master Of Vagueness”)

110. Guilt Quiz

How can you attain the title of Best Mom Ever if you are not monitoring your Daily Guilt Levels (DGL)? To do this, I have devised this simple quiz to assess your personal DGL and help you identify areas that need improvement.

1. Which most accurately describes your parenting style?
A. Mother Theresa
B. Desperate Housewives
C. Old Yeller

2. What is your first thought when waking up in the morning?
A. I can’t wait to change a poopy diaper!
B. Please, God, let today be a week-day so they have preschool
C. I think I’ll go to the gym, oh, wait, I can’t: I have kids now

3. Your definition of “dinner” is (circle all that apply):
A. Filet mignon and lobster
B. Grilled Chilean sea bass with a side of asparagus
C. Anything McDonald’s serves
D. The chicken nuggets my kids didn’t finish eating

4. Your idea of a “vacation” is (choose one):
A. Paris for two weeks
B. Hawaii (preferably the Big Island) for one week
C. A quick drive up the coast to stay in a charming Bed and Breakfast for a week-end
D. What’s a “vacation”?

5. When your friends see you on the street, they
A. stop to chat
B. tell you that you look fabulous and ask if you’ve lost weight
C. want to schedule lunch soon
D. don’t recognize you

6. The last time you got your hair cut was
A. yesterday
B. last week
. 3 months ago
D. What’s a “haircut”?

7. Your ideal fun night consists of
A. dancing the night away
B. watching a movie
C. watching “Dancing with the Stars”

8. Your “Dream Team” consists of
A. Hairdresser, personal trainer, stylist
B. Maid, cook, chauffeur
C. Me, Myself, and I

9. When you want to celebrate as a family, you go to
A. Chart House
B. Gramma’s house
C. Chuck E. Cheese’s house

10. Number of errands you accomplish on a “good” day:
A. At least six sometimes seven
B. Usually three, maybe even four if the places are all close together
C. People get more than one thing done in a day?

11. If you were arrested, it would be for
A. running an unlicensed day-care in your home—the neighbors’ kids are always at your house playing!
B. running all the appliances at once: dishwasher, washing machine, outdoor sprinklers
C. running a yellow light (trying to get too many things done)
D. running away from it all by yourself (to Hawaii or maybe Paris)

12. Fill in the blank: “My car is ______________.”
A. spotless, just got back from the car-wash
B. empty, need to stop and get gas
C. being towed, forgot to move it for street sweeping

13. When you think of the word “water,” you automatically think
A. of California beaches
B. need to give the kids a bath tonight
C. ohhh, was I supposed to water the lawn this morning?

14. Fill in the blank: “Paper is for____________.”
A. reading
B. writing on
C. wrapping gifts
D. wiping bottoms

15. Finish the phrase: “Home is where__________.”
A. the heart is
B. the mess is
C. I don’t have to change out of my sweatpants

16. Which work-out describes your typical routine?
A. Brisk 5 mile run daily
B. Weights, some cardio
C. Wait around for kids, cart them off
D. Work-out? Huh?

17. Finish the phrase: “The grass is always ________.”
A. soft, lush, and well-manicured
B. greener on the other side
C. dead. Wait, is it supposed to be green?

18. Define “make-up”:
A. Foundation, eyeliner, mascara, lipstick, blush
B. What you and your husband do after an argument
C. Synonym for “invent” (invent/ make-up excuses for why you are late again)

19. If you won a million dollars, how would you spend it?
A. I really have everything I need. I would donate it all to charity.
B. Pay off the house; set the rest aside for the kids’ college funds
C. Vegas, baby!

Scoring:
Mostly A’s—do you even have children? This is a mom’s quiz. Go back to reading your Travel and Leisure magazine (the one with Tahiti on the cover).
Mostly B’s—you maintain a good balance of staying true to yourself and your kids. What’s your secret? Mostly C’s or D’s—you are a miserable failure. Welcome to Motherhood.

MOV
(“Motherhood Or ... Vegas”)

97. Carfool

(Fun Flashback Moment)

So I am sitting in line waiting to pick up Tall from preschool. I am one of those people (Virgo) who does not like to just sit around waiting for something, thus, I have gotten very very good at the Timing Of Carpool:

• At 12:30 PM, Tall’s school gets out
• If I arrive at 12:30, the line will already be so long that I won't be at the front until 12:42 (that means I sit for 12 long minutes, inching my car forward while the digital dashboard clock ticks off the minutes one-by-one, mocking me and my poor Time Management Skills)
• I need to get there at 12 noon ON THE DOT if I want to be the first person in line (uh, why? who cares about being first? isn't the whole point of preschool to maximize my tiny sliver of "at home alone time"?). Half an hour of wasted time, just sitting in the car—ludicrous!
• If I show up after 12:45, then I'm charged a $5 late fee daily
• If I get there at 12:15, I am "technically" early, but my car won't be at the front until 12:35 (this in-between time is the worst; believe me, I have tried every combination and computation)
• 12:44 is optimal in terms of not wasting precious time, and still being (barely) what’s considered “on time”

When I'm in line, I see some other (crazy) mothers who try to make the Best Use of this useless time by vacuuming out their cars with a dust-buster and Windexing all their windows. These mothers are models of efficiency and perfection. Not only that, their make-up and hair always looks perfect-- no baseball caps for these Cameron Diaz Cover-Girl-clones.

I can't keep up with these Stepford Mommies! They win all the Best Mother Ever trophies, and I come in last place, as usual. I’m sure they’ve also volunteered for “Room Parent” and that they make Martha Stewart cupcakes from scratch for every special occasion (no mass-produced ready-made cupcakes from Giant for them). Never a missed opportunity!

I won’t stoop that low, I think, as I gobble up some m&ms and deposit the wrapper with the others on the floor. Bliss is being the last one in the line: this means that I have not wasted even one iota of time. It is equivalent (in my mind) to walking into my favorite restaurant at 7:30 with a 7:30 reservation and the place is packed and the maitre d’ immediately seats my group at the best table with a sweeping view of the city. It is equivalent (in my son’s mind) to being ignored and unloved by Mommy.

Sigh.

If I pick him up last, then I’m greeted with a sad little lump of a pouty son or, if he’s feeling feisty that day, I’m met with a string of (toddler-style) profanities:

“Last again? You are a mean and bratty person, Mommy. I wanna punch you in your dumb face! I don’t like you anymore and you need to ‘pologize to me and I wanna just go home with Wyatt instead of YOU!”

So I don't have to endure idle threats of being punched in my "dumb face", I get there early the next day. As noted above, to be the leader of Carfool (yes, my new term for it), you must get there a half hour before school lets out. What a (adult-style-string-of-profanities) waste of time! But, I love my son and I want him to be happy. I am number ONE in line, and soon I will be number ONE in his heart (not Wyatt nor Wyatt’s mom). I have my bottle of Windex at the ready.

Tall’s teacher walks him out. She is shaking her head in true shock and awe: “Wow! MOV, I almost didn’t recognize you at the FRONT of the line!” Tall gets in, and I lean back to help him with his seatbelt. I'm smiling from ear-to-ear and I'm ready to see him smiling back at me—let the Lovefest begin!

“What are you doing here so early?” he snarls with all the love of someone receiving a court summons. He glares at me, sending daggers of ice through the rear-view mirror, “I was still playing! Why you innerupp what I’m doing?!”

His bewildered yet angry little face is beet red, and his arms are crossed tightly across his chest. Yes, toddlers are the masters of juggling multiple emotions simultaneously.

“Tall, that is not a nice way to talk to me! I thought you’d be happy that I was first.”

“Who told you THAT?” he scowls.

The next day, I vow (internally) to do better. I am in the middle of Carfool. No Windex this time, just a short newspaper article to get caught up on. School lets out and the assistant teacher walks Tall over to the car. She looks confused.

“Sorry, MOV, I’m used to you being at the end,” she smiles weakly (maybe she’s had enough of Tall’s bizarre mood-swings and unprovoked outbursts, too).

Tall gets in and slams the door. Oh, jeez, what have I done this time? I am starting to resent this pint-sized tyrant.

“Look, Tall," I begin, "you need to fix your attitude. I am tired of this behavior.”

Today he's giving me the silent treatment. I'm struggling to tighten his shoulder harness and he refuses to look me in the eye. I can't tell if he's mad, sad, overtired or a combination of all three.

“Tall?” I say calmly, almost in a whisper, “What is going on?”

He looks out the window, a prisoner of Carfool. Now he is exasperated with me. He's beginning to sob, large tears making their way down his hot cheeks.

“Mom, I was used to you being last,” (sob), “and I knew you were last and Mrs. Jones knew you were last,” (sob), “and everyone knew. We all liked things the way they were. Then you had to go,” (sniffle), “and change it, and now we just ... we don’t ever know how things will be with you.”

Back to my comfort zone for tomorrow. Back to my favorite spot, the one I'm good at:

Last.

MOV
(“Mom’s On-time Vehicle”)

96. The Meaning Of Life

Today’s essay is a bit on the heavy side. I will touch on some loaded topics that have a huge impact on our society as a whole. Specifically, I will explore the idea that although we as Americans are continually "chasing the dream", we maintain a certain emptiness that pervades our very essence: we are truly Missing Something.

I will discuss the following as it relates to this emptiness and void we all feel: materialism/false illusions; are we better off alone or with our “Soul Mate”; omnipresence of personal hatred/ lack of tolerance; attempting to escape everyday responsibilities; repercussions of credit card debt/ fiscal irresponsibility; obsession with finances; illogical belief that we are self-contained; focusing on appearances; existentialism; belief in God/religion overall; politics/personal responsibility; sticky topic of renewed focus on the outdoors/environment; unconscionable waste/improper disposal of waste; education (and necessity of); aging in America; attention to "green" issues; relevance of transportation; the decline of literature/rise of illiteracy; celebrity-worship/pop culture; the importance of work.

After much soul-searching and deliberation, I’ve taken a “personal inventory” of sorts and come to the overwhelming conclusion that certain things are, indeed, missing from my life. I turn to you, my virtual community, to reveal from the deep deep recesses of my mind, exactly What Is Missing:

• My hand-embroidered star-fish sweater made from the really soft material (possibly a cashmere/ cotton blend) that I wore in all those photos from 1993—95
• A good 20% (if not more) of my single socks—useless without their mates
• All my favorite pens (it should be noted that The Husband’s pens are omnipresent; it should also be noted that I personally hate this kind because they leak and I cannot tolerate having these leaky pens in the house)
• That book on Hawaii vacations (I could use an escape!)
• My latest American Express statement (could be in other purse?)
• My Barnes & Noble gift card with a remaining balance of $17.22 (not enough to break me, but enough to still obsess over)
• The Tupperware container with the blue lid (sandwich size)
• That bracelet with the blue stones that appear to be "sapphires" but are fake; was a gift and I originally thought it was ugly but now that it’s missing I recall it fondly and do want it back after all—God, I miss that bracelet! (as an aside, The Husband tells me that bracelet never existed and that I just made it up)
• Red and white “Vote Ross Perot: You Personally Can Make A Difference” collector’s magnet
• Free self-stick address label stickers from Sierra Club (came with magazine renewal form)
• Sterling silver spoon (I think it went down the garbage disposal and got mangled and The Husband might possibly have thrown it away)
• My high school transcripts (Yeah, I'm 40, I really need those now)
• My younger son's bright green baseball hat with the picture of an owl on it
• My older son’s Batman motorcycle toy
• The latest People magazine with Julia Roberts on the cover (*note to The Husband: if you took it to work, I was not finished with it yet)

Yes, every day I take time to reflect and examine all the things that are lacking in my life. I do my best to contend with these (and other) weighty issues. It’s a wonder I get anything done around here.

MOV
(“Maelstrom Occurs Virtually”)

94. Prayers

We have just finished saying our prayers and I know Tall is sleepy. I am leaning in to give him a simple good-night peck on the cheek. He pulls his head away abruptly. Huh. I am mildly hurt, as he is only 6 ½. Is this the age when you no longer want your mom give you a quick kiss? As though he is reading my mind, he turns back to face me. He smiles and blinks his tired eyes. He looks at me in what can only be described as a loving manner, and he starts to speak. I wait hopefully for whatever sweet morsel he will deliver. This is that special groggy time when he reveals that his Goal In Life is to be a professional race-car driver. He also doles out compliments at 8 PM—“Mommy, you make the best cookies in the entire Universe!” (Apparently the cookies on Jupiter tend to be dry.) One time when I was tucking him he told me I was so beautiful that I reminded him of a Princess. Moments like that are rare. I reflect on this special time and it makes me remember why I wanted to be a mother in the first place. “Mommy?” he begins and then pauses, making sure he has my attention, “You have bad breath.” Princess needs toothpaste. MOV (“Mouthing Off Verbatim”)

91. How To Be Funny

So I am driving Tall home from his swim lesson. Short is on a playdate with one of his friends, so this is a rare sliver of one-on-one time for me and Tall. I am asking him about his day and the details are spilling forth. It is nice to see this chatty fun side of him emerge in his brother’s brief absence.

“Oh, and guess what, Mom? Pal told me some funny new jokes today! Do you want to hear them?”

“Sure!” I am basking in the moment. I think it is so cool that he has a sense of humor and can tell jokes.

“Okay, great. So I have two new jokes to tell you. How do you make an elephant float?”

“Umm, how?”

“No, Mom!” he hisses, “You’re not supposed to say THAT. You’re supposed to say, ‘I don’t know’. Try again.”

“Oh, I mean, I don’t know.”

“With lots of root-beer! Get it? Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, ha, ha!”

He is cracking himself up. I think the joke is sweet and I smile. Then Tall elaborates, in case Mommy is too stupid to get it after all and is only laughing to be polite:

“Do you REALLY understand, Mom? The elephant has to drink all that root-beer so he can be a float like in one of those big parades on TV.”

Wait—what?

Now it is my turn to explain the joke.

“No, Tall, what they mean is a root-beer float, like a drink. You know—a dessert? Like a milkshake?” (It occurs to me that in my hyper-vigilant crusade against excessive sugar and desserts, I might never have exposed him to the simple pleasures of a root-beer float. We are an ice-cream family, for sure, but we tend to avoid sodas. Oops.) “And I guess the elephant would be the ice-cream. They don’t mean like in a parade. That’s not what float means in this instance.”

“Oh.”

Silence. I have popped his (joke) bubble, or at least his float.

“It’s okay, Tall, I still think it was funny, though! Please tell me your other joke. Didn’t you say you had two jokes?” I try to inject the former lightness back into our interaction.

“Yeah, I know you will like this one! All right, so this cowboy has a horse but how does he get there?” He is breathless and I can tell he’s eager to deliver his punch-line.

“Get where though?”

“MOMMMM! That’s not part of the joke!” Now he is beginning to pout. I see him in the rear-view mirror as he crosses his arms over his chest.

“Tall, I just don’t understand, get where exactly?” I say quietly.

“You are SUPPOSED to say, ‘How?’ Stop messing up my jokes!”

Apparently, I am heckling my own son.

I sigh, partially upset with myself. I need to stop micro-managing everything. He is six. Let him tell a joke, MOV.

“Okay, how?”

“Because the horse’s name is Friday! Get it? Ah ha, ha, ha, ho, hee, hee, ha!”

He laughs giant peals of laughter. I laugh because he is laughing. We drive a few more streets. I am so puzzled. I know Tall’s friend Pal to be extremely funny. That kid can tell a joke. I am quite aware that some important piece of the joke puzzle has gone missing.

“Tall, can I give you a tiny little thing that would make your joke funnier?” I offer cautiously. I know: I just can’t help myself.

“What do you mean? Did you not get that joke, either, Mom? Does someone have to explain the joke to you?” he says it sincerely, like you might say to someone who speaks very poor English but is trying their best: do you want me to translate?

“Just listen, Tall. What you could say is: ‘The rodeo is only open on the week-ends—Saturday and Sunday—but the cowboy goes on Friday. How is that possible?’ And then you would wait for the person to say ‘I don’t know’ and then the punch-line for the joke is: because the horse’s name is Friday! See? He is riding a horse named Friday, so he is technically on Friday! See what I mean? That makes more sense. That is much funnier.”

I am proud of my self that I have used my (rudimentary) detective skills to figure out the set-up of the joke after hearing the botched punch-line. It is like “Jeopardy” for jokes.

Tall is not so happy. He snaps at me angrily, “Those two jokes are good, so don’t force me to change them!”

We drive home in silence. That’s funny, I thought we were going to have some quality time.

MOV
(“Micro-managing Other’s Verses”)