396. Kate Doesn't Do Laundry

Like everyone else on the planet, I got up early and watched the Royal Wedding in action. I loved every second of it: the pomp, the circumstance, the majesty, the dress, the music. I especially loved the sweet and happy look on Kate’s face as she said her formal vows to William. Then I dared to look closer. I froze my TiVo and stared intently at her sparkly blue eyes and that huge Colgate grin. That wasn’t the look of love. That was the look of a woman who never has to do laundry again.

Oh, sure, she’s got her hunky prince. She’s got designers falling all over themselves left and right to create couture dresses just for her. She’s got staff at and her beck and call to do whatever she needs—run out to Rite Aid for cough medicine at two in the morning—but the most impressive thing is, she can say goodbye to the spin cycle and dryer lint for the rest of her life.

She won’t miss fluffing out her wrinkled t-shirt wondering if she should try to “get one more day’s use out of it,” like I do. She won’t miss saying to William, “Hey! Stop leaving your socks inside out, they’ll never get clean that way!”

Sweaters that have to be hand-washed? Won’t miss. Bras that can’t go in the dryer? Won’t miss. Sundress that needs the delicate cycle? Won’t miss.

I can see her on the plane to her honeymoon efficiently writing out her thank you notes to her wedding guests, but then pausing a moment to write a special note to a significant person that was not actually invited, but will become an intimate member of her circle: I’m talking of course about Lady Laundress.

“Dearest Lady Laundress,

I know I have not yet officially met you, as I have been so busy with planning my wedding and all. I just wanted to say thank you in advance as I know we will be seeing a lot of each other over the next several years, and I really really appreciate that you will wash all my clothes, like, forever. That will save me tons of time, time I could spend better by visiting people in hospitals and fundraising for orphanages and the like. (And shopping. I’m not going to lie: I do like to shop and I might potentially spend some of my new found free time doing that, too, so thank you.)

What I am trying to say is: thank you. A lot. Thank you! Best eternal thanks and gratitude to you! And here is 1000 pound advance bonus to put us on immediate good terms.

Thank you very, very much! 

Respectfully,

Princess Kate”

Girlfriend knows how good she’s got it.

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217. 10 Reasons Why I Am More Qualified Than Kate To Be Queen

So after channeling Princess Di to get her take on this disastrous turn of events, I thought I’d compile a list of why I am infinitely more qualified to be Queen of England than Kate Whatsername. William, take note:

1. I don’t have a phony British accent (I think an American accent is so refreshing!)
2. I know how to act in any situation (except maybe when meeting Important Heads of State or Nosy Reporters, but thankfully, that wouldn’t be part of the job description, would it?)
3. I have impeccable manners (and I hardly ever swear, unless it is absolutely the right situation—think maybe once per week at most)
4. I write a mean thank you note (wait—I don’t mean “mean” mean, I mean “really awesome and perfect” mean)
5. I never offend anyone ever (as long as you don’t count the UPS guy yesterday when I made that joke about how they must not pay him very well because he always wears the same thing or, basically, anyone who has ever read—or been the topic of—any of my previous blog postings)
6. I love diamonds (perhaps Kate does too, but I assure you, I love them more)
7. I look really really good in diamonds
8. I would be very grateful to have a personal chef (and as a devoted fan of “Top Chef”, I could talk for hours to the chef and give him my good advice and opinions and even critiques—I know he’d love that)
9. Did I mention I am willing to move to London?
10. Castles don’t bother me (in fact, I often refer to my 800 sq. ft. home as a “castle”)
11. I am willing to travel to other countries as part of being a Princess/ Queen (I’m a former flight attendant, so I’m, like, totally prepared)

That's actually 11 reasons. See? Overachiever.

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("My Overseas Villa")

216. I Am Supposed To Be the New Queen of England

So Princess Diana calls me from the grave and we are having one of our semi-annual chats. I am totally stressed out, and being the sensitive type, she can tell something’s wrong.

“Di,” I begin, “I just heard the news about Kate. You said William was going to pick me, for goshsakes…..”

She interrupts (death has made her more brazen), “MOV, I said no such thing. First of all, you are like, what, 20 years older than he is?”

“But 42 is the new 24,” I claim.

“No, it’s not. Also, you ARE married, and you have two kids!”

“Well, so were you when you and Charles hooked up!” I challenge.

“Umm, no, I wasn’t. I was like, 15. So, anyway, MOV, you just need to get past it and realize that my son doesn’t even know you exist.”

Ouch. I don’t like this side of Di-Di. Dare I tell her that when she was marrying Charles, I wanted to BE her, not to get married to Charles per se, but just to be a princess. In my new (improved) fantasy, it’s all about marrying William. Plus I would definitely rock that tiara.

“MOV….. what are you thinking? Whenever you get silent like that for too long, I know it can’t be good,” Diana probes.

“I was just thinking how I should have moved to England all those years ago, that maybe I could have actually met William. If he'd have had a chance to get to know me, I surely would’ve won his heart.”

“Woulda, coulda, shoulda,” she offers.

“Amen to that, sister.”

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