163. Hurry + Rush Interview

I received a lot of positive feedback from yesterday's Fun interview. It got me thinking: who can I interview next? I decided to see if brothers Hurry and Rush were available. They didn’t have a lot of time for the interview, but they did stop by briefly.

MOV: Welcome, gentleman! Thank you so much for taking the time to chat with…
Rush: (interrupting) Is this going to take long?
MOV: No, uh, sorry. Okay, so my first question is, are you guys twins?
Hurry: We get that a lot, but no, we’re not twins. I’m two years older.
Rush: Plus, I think we look completely different. I would say that I’m more polished, whereas Hurry here is a little more… disheveled.
Hurry: Hey! That’s not a nice thing to say!
Rush: True, though.
MOV: Moving right along. Hurry, I wanted to address your, uh, driving record.
Hurry: (heavy sigh) What is there to talk about? So I’ve gotten a few speeding tickets. In the big scheme of things, I mean, who cares?
Rush: (under his breath): If you call a thousand a “few”.
Hurry: (squinting his eyes at Rush) I heard that. Anyway, as I was saying, my driving record is a non-issue.
Rush:  (quietly) That's because you've had your license revoked. 
Hurry:  I'm not deaf, you know.  Next question, please.
MOV: How were you as students back in high school and college?
Rush: Well, I was captain of my track team! We set all kinds of new records. Then, I competed in the Olympics in Beijing, which was always a lifetime dream.
MOV:  Wow!  The Olympics.  That's quite an accomplishment:  I'm impressed.  Did you earn a medal? 
Rush:  No, there was some amazing competition, so, no, I didn't medal.  But just the honor of competing and representing our......
Hurry:  (under his breath) He was disqualified.
MOV:  Excuse me, what was that? 
Hurry:  I said, he was disqualified. 
MOV:  What happened, Rush? 
Rush:  I had, uh, two or three false starts, so they, uh, they pulled me from the competition. 
MOV:  Oh, I'm so sorry.  I didn't know. 
Rush:  It's okay, that was a long time ago.       
MOV: All right, new topic.  Hurry, I hear that you have issues getting up in the morning?  You find it difficult to remember to set your alarm clock?
Hurry: Ugh. That’s true. At night, I’m tired, I just want to go to sleep, so it’s really the last thing I’m thinking about.
MOV: Hurry, how does your “personality type” affect your every day life?
Hurry: What do you mean, “personality type”?
MOV: Someone that never allows enough time for things? Someone who has unrealistic expectations for how long things will take? Are you late a lot?
Rush: I can answer that. The whole thing is: we try not to be late. I know I’m guilty of trying to squeeze too many things in to my day. For both of us, we try to be realistic, but something always pops up that you can’t control. For example, besides traffic, which we already touched on with the whole driving thing, just standing in line makes me crazy.
Hurry: Me, too! Hate it!
Rush: Standing in line just strikes me as such a huge waste of time. I read somewhere that the average person spends nine years of their life waiting in line. 
MOV: I have to admit, Hurry, I have been in line behind you at Starbucks and it’s not a pretty sight. You seem to roll your eyes and make exaggerated sighs like all the other customers are purposely trying to hold you up………….
Rush: Ha ha ha! That’s true! Bro, you do that! Ha! She nailed it!
Hurry: (sheepish) I’ve been known to cut in line.
MOV: That’s what I was just getting to: you cut in front of me that day. You said, “I am really running late here, can I go ahead of you?” and before I even had a chance to say yes or no, boom, you were ordering!
Rush: Dude, that’s rude. You should apologize.
Hurry: Oh, like you’ve never done it, Mr. Perfect?
Rush: You owe the girl an apology.  Make it snappy. 
Hurry: Sorry.
MOV: I accept.
Hurry/ Rush: (in unison) Are we almost done here?
MOV: Yeah, uh, sure. Just one more question: Hurry, you have a reputation for not liking kids. Care to comment?
Hurry: MOV, I see by the photos around your living room that you do have kids, so I want you to know I am not trying to offend you. But, yes, kids drive me insane. They want to stop and pick up things. Every. Single. Dandelion. Ugh! Or rocks! Or sticks! Stop and look, stop and poke at something, shoelace comes untied, forgot his sweater…..
Rush: We do avoid kids, for the most part.
Hurry: I’ve had to baby-sit my niece, Lollygag, a couple times and I thought I would have a nervous breakdown. She wanted to watch a video, and she kept having me rewind back to the funny part. I’m all, like, come on! You just saw it! It’s not funny anymore the 17th time!
MOV: You have a niece?
Hurry: Well, I call her my niece, but she’s really my cousin’s daughter. Close enough. My cousin is really really great with kids. She looooooves kids, could just hang out with them all day.
MOV: Have I met your cousin?
Hurry: Of course, everyone has. Her name is Play.
MOV: (impressed) Play is your cousin? I love her! Gosh, I don’t get to see her as often as I would like. I’m always so busy. I need to have her over. When we were kids, she used to come over all the time! She always has such great ideas of activities we could…..
Rush: (pointing at watch, and starting to stand up) MOV, we gotta go.
MOV: You’re right. That’s all the time we have. Thank you, gentlemen, for talking with me today.

Stay tuned for more interesting interviews with some of your favorite people.

MOV
(“Montage Of Voices”)

162. Fun Interview

Fun has gotten a lot of press lately. Everyone is looking for Fun, and everyone wants to have Fun. I decided to interview Fun for myself to try to get the inside scoop.

MOV: Hello, Fun. Thank you for granting me this interview slot! You are hard to get a hold of; some might even call you “elusive”.
Fun: That’s so funny that you say that! I’m not, though. Elusive I mean. Hey, you know what would be great right now? A cappuccino. Will you make me one real quick? No sugar.
MOV: Uh, sure. (Pause to make cappuccino.) Here ya’ go.
Fun: Perfect! Yum! You know who makes a great cappuccino?  Angelina Jolie.  She's a close personal friend.   
MOV: Wow.  You hang out with her? Okay. So the purpose of this interview, really, to me I mean, is to figure out exactly where you live, Fun, and how ordinary people can have you around more often.
Fun: (Big sigh.) Geesh, you really make this too hard. I'm everywhere! Just look up and there I am!
MOV: I don’t think that’s true. You weren’t there the other day when I accidentally backed into that guy’s car in the parking lot by Crazy Town Bistro……
Fun: Well, that’s true. I was there, but as soon as I heard that crunched metal sound, yikes, that’s like my cue to move on.
MOV: Why do you have to leave when things get a little rough?
Fun: You better watch yourself, MOV, I might leave right now.
MOV: Oh, sorry! Okay, don’t leave. Getting back on track here, why don’t you give me some good ideas where people can look for you?
Fun: Sure. Uh, I’m usually at the mall. Love to shop, love to spend money.  I like to go to the movies. Oooh, I know! Amusement Parks are a biggie for me, especially Disneyland. You can always find me there. Where else? Parties, parties are always great.  Just not the first half hour of a party, you will never see me get there early.  Love to run, love to work out. Love to go to soccer games and play. Spending time with friends is always cool. Travel! I love to travel. Gosh, I like to do a lot of things. I’ll tell you what I don’t like: work.
MOV: I’ve heard that. There was a rumor that you don’t particularly like work. Huh. So that’s true then?
Fun: Well, I can be found at work sometimes, you know, if my co-workers are cool, just not, like, every single day.
MOV: Can you tell me some other things that you don’t like, you know, things that you avoid?
Fun: Sure. There are a lot of things. I am definitely gone on April 15th—I do not like taxes.  Nor screaming babies in strollers—won’t find me there! And really, if someone says, “Oh, but that toddler is just the cutest thing”, he may in fact be, but if he is screaming at the top of his lungs and his face turns all red and his features are all contorted: Ugh!  Like, I got a basketball game to go to, like, yesterday!
MOV: You’re right, babies are usually cuter when they’re smiling.
Fun: Exactly. That’s when I’m around.
MOV: Any thing else you're not a fan of?
Fun: Well, to be honest with you, I used to really like dogs. In fact, part of me still does.  They can be all jumpy and animated and really affectionate……… it’s just, well….. you're kind of required to take them for walks and then you have to clean up after them and the next thing you know: you’re carrying a little bag of poop with you. Ugh! That is pretty much the opposite of me and my personality:  bag of poop.  No dogs for me!  Forget it—I'm outta there! 
MOV:  You’re not really committed then, are you?
Fun: What do you mean?
MOV: You’re not really there for the good times and the bad? When things get uncomfortable, you leave?
Fun: Oh, absolutely. I admit it.  I only hang out for the good times. I’ll tell you another place you won’t find me: hospitals! I have never been sick a day in my life! Never been to the dentist either! Oh, and I drink chocolate milkshakes, like, a lot. Every. Single. Day. Yum-o!
MOV: Okay, well, thank you for your time, Fun, it was a pleasure getting to spend so much time with you. I know that you're a busy individual, so I'll let you get going.
Fun: Great. I have a flight to Italy in a couple hours, First Class! George Clooney invited me back again to stay with him at his villa on the lake.  I do need to finish packing. But on second thought, packing is kind of dreary, so maybe I'll just buy all new clothes when I get there. 

So, there you have it, Reader. If you are looking for Fun this week, looks like he's vacationing in bella Italia. 

MOV
(“Milan Or Venice?”)

160. Paper Airplanes Take You Where

Purging
Again; this time
Papers. They are
Everpresent
Reminding me of my
Stubborness to toss them out.

Bogged down
Oppressed by scraps
God! I hate this mess of papers!

Mystified by why I
Ever kept them.

Dig down deep
Out they go
Wow! Liberated! This feels
Nice.

MOV
("Manuscript Of Variables")

158. Euphemisms

What To Say When You Don’t Want To Offend Anyone:

• pushy = “has initiative”
• smells bad = “fragrant”
• not talented = “working on developing his potential”
• clumsy = “physical in surprising ways”
• messy = "collector with varied interests displayed in a non-structured style"
• eavesdropper = “always in the know”
• nosy = “extremely interested in others”
• late = "not confined by traditional time restraints"
• tacky dresser = “brave wardrobe choices”
• gossipy = “creative story-teller”
• thief = "unclear on proper boundaries of possession"
• bratty = “energetic”
• watches too much TV, couch potato = "unwinds through meditation, or sometimes with media outlets"
• emails too much = "likes to stay connected"
• wastes time = "sometimes a tad bit unfocused"
• fat = "appreciates delicious food, somewhat of a gourmet"
• horrible driver = "risk-taker"
• won't leave the house = "risk-averse" 
• lazy = “tired”
• mentally unstable, possibly dangerous = "confused"
• interrupts constantly = “wants to be involved in the conversation”
• loser = “second place winner”
• no = “sure, let me get back to you”
• I don't have time for that = "What a great opportunity for someone else!"
• ugly = “plain, but in a good way”
• ugly= “wholesome, all natural”
• unattractive = “earthy”
• tastes bland = “I’m sure some people like it, my palate is just not very developed”
• poison = see above
• disgusting = ditto
• rip off, waste of money = “cost-prohibitive”
• piece of junk = "mass-produced"
• hung-over = “touch of the flu”
• hung-over = “stomach bug”
• obnoxious = “really social, almost what I would consider too social”
• loud = “bothering my ear-drums a little bit”
• old = “not really that old”
• old = “what do you consider old?”
• yucky interior of a house, including 1970’s avocado-green shag carpeting = “slightly dated décor”
• ready to gut entire house = “might need some minor updates”
• mean, not helpful = “seems busy”
• downright ignores you = "distracted"
• bitchy = "not that friendly"
• hate her, can’t be in the same room with her = “I don’t know her that well”
• opinionated = “likes to blog”

MOV
("Melee Of Verbiage")

157. Other People's Stuff

If it belongs to me, or used to belong to me, or someone gave it to me at some point, I can part with it. That’s not hard at all. The trick is: deciding what to do with other people’s things. Other People’s Stuff is what poses a problem. Would the Other People rebel if I got rid of their Stuff? I was about to find out.

The other day, we got a phone call from the local chapter of S.A.J. (Services Against Junk). I happened to be the unlucky one who answered the phone. The conversation went something like this:

SAJ: Is this Miss MOV?
Me: (panicking, after recognizing the SAJ name on the caller ID) Uh, how did you get this number?
SAJ: That’s irrelevant. This is Stacey Wiggums from the Crazy Town Services Against Junk. Are you familiar with our agency?
Me:

SAJ: I can tell by your long uncomfortable silence that you are. Well, then you probably have heard our mission statement before? “Treat the Junk Like a Skunk, Get it Out Before We Shout!” Catchy, isn’t it?
Me: But, I don’t understand. I don’t have any junk. I'm a Virgo.  My house is pristine and spotless. You obviously have me confused with someone else. This is all a big mistake.
SAJ: Ah, Miss MOV, that’s where you’re wrong. We’ve had some complaints filed against you lately.
Me: (outraged) Complaints? Against me? By whom?
SAJ: We are unable to reveal our sources, but let’s just say, between you and me, I’d be a little bit more careful who you invite to your next wine and cheese party.
Me: Was it Linda? I saw her open my closet, to “put away” a coat, that’s what she said she was doing. Or Vic? He seems nice, but maybe he was one of those tattle-tale kind of kids in grade school. Or Nanette? She “accidentally” walked in the garage, saying she was looking for the guest bathroom—ha! I’ll bet it wa....
SAJ: M’am! It doesn’t matter! What matters here right now is that the truck is on its way over.
Me: (panicky) Truck? What truck?
SAJ: The Services Against Junk truck. I need you to go get all your junk as soon as we get off the phone and take it out front.
Me: (in denial) I don’t know what you’re talking about. I'm telling you, I don’t have any junk. I need everything that's here.
SAJ: Those large Lego pieces that don’t go to anything? The broken vase that you “might” glue back together? The old videos, on Beta for goshsakes? The two dozen or so extension cords? The weird metal clip thing that you can’t remember what it goes to?
Me: But, but, but ... those aren’t even mine. Those belong to my husband or my kids. Why should I be punished for their stuff?
SAJ: (exasperated) Look, ma’am, do I need to get my supervisor on the phone? You know what the problem is. You have about an hour and a half to deal with it. The truck has been dispatched.

As soon as I got off the phone, I cried. Then, I did what Stacey told me to do. I started gathering up the specific items she had named, plus the broken crayons, the itchy socks, the lamp that needed re-wiring, the books with pages ripped out (thanks, Short), the chair that was missing a leg, the toy elephant with the stuffing coming out, the suitcase with the broken pull-up handle, the endless supply of home décor magazines, the left-over dried-out paint from two houses ago ... I placed the items in boxes and bags and put them on the front porch.

Ninety minutes after I'd hung up the phone with Stacey, the truck pulled up. Three guys in dark green jumpsuits walked towards the house. “We’re with Services Against Junk,” said one. He had an accent. Services came out like “sir—veeces.”  I nodded. What else could I do?

The Husband, known primarily for his skill at coming-home-right-when-I-bake-cookies, chose this moment to return from work. But instead of fresh-baked cookies, he was coming home to his junk being tossed forever, right along side the excess junk formerly belonging to Tall and Short. 

“MOV?” he said, as he walked up the front stairs, “did you bake cookies? and who are the guys in green jumpsuits?”

“Let’s go for a quick walk,” I replied hastily, grabbing my keys before the Jumpsuit Guys could throw those away as well, “and I’ll explain everything.”

MOV
(“My Optimistic Void”)

154. 3 AM

Things You Can Get Done From 3 AM--7 AM: 

1. You can finish reading that book you started several weeks ago (book not that great, shouldn't have bothered)
2. You can get caught up on TiVo'd shows and watch about 17 episodes of "House Hunters" back-to-back-to-back (including International episodes!)
3. You can delete any TiVo'd shows that you don't really plan to ever watch, specifically show that The Husband and Tall might have taped (sorry, guys--the TiVo memory was getting low) 
4. You can polish off half a container of champagne-flavored gummy candies that you bought last shift at the high-end kitchen store (realize after the fact that was not the best idea ever)
5. You can read any emails that might have come in mostly from Old Navy and Amazon, and you can spend 45 minutes deleting old emails that you saved for no apparent reason (emails with titles like "I can drive tonight" dated 6-24-08, or "Game cancelled" dated 9-12-09)
6. You can pet cat on your lap for a long time, because she obviously is not a victim of insomnia 
7. You can look through about 436 old catalogs and magazines (hello? Purge-O-Rama time!)
8. Can make about a million lists:  lists of places you want to travel to, list of Christmas presents you might buy for people, lists of favorite restaurants  

Things You Cannot Do From 3 AM-- 7 AM (because it will cause too much noise and wake up poor unsuspecting sleepers of household, namely everyone but you):

1. You cannot work-out with fun energetic new work-out video set to pop music
2. You cannot work-out on expensive exercise bike in basement because the wheels go around in a noisy way
3. You cannot vacuum even though living room really needs it
4. Ditto dishes
5. Can't make brownies or cupcakes (mixer is too loud)
6. Can't do any cleaning
7. Can't talk on phone (uh, who else is awake?  have friends in Australia?)

Overall, general conclusion is that the best activity to accomplish at 3 AM is, in fact, sleeping. 

MOV
("Mom Overtired? Very")

151. School Mornings

Scrambling around like
Crazy
Hoping we remembered the
Odd bit of homework (most likely
Overlooked in the
Last-minute dash out the front door).

My
Only
Regret?
Not getting organized the night before.
I tell myself that this
Night will be different-- I'll
Get everything prepared ahead.  Instead, I
Sit and watch a new episode of Top Chef.

MOV
("Mornings Of Valor")