Friday, August 22, 2014

995. Meat Vs. Quiet Comfort of Your Own Home

The mystery person pounded on the door.  It was the kind of knock only the UPS guy does, or maybe Fedex.  I was not expecting a package, but the knock said I must have one. 

I opened the door and saw a salesperson.  I glanced behind him and saw his truck:  “Meaties.” 

“Hello,” he began cheerfully, “Have you ever heard of Meaties?” 

I had not heard of Meaties, but from the looks of it, he was selling frozen meat door-to-door. 

I did the only thing I could:  “I’m vegetarian.” 

He looked crestfallen, like a child expecting Christmas when it is already January. 

“Sorry,” I added, an afterthought. 

“Your whole family?”


“Even your husband?” 

“I’m gay.” 

I’m not really gay (although I think gay people are wonderful and wish I had more gay friends) and I am not really vegetarian.  I am just extremely morally opposed to people trying to sell me things when I am basking in the comfort of my own home taking a break from blatant consumerism.   

“I don’t believe you.” 

About which part?  The vegetarian or the gay?

“It’s true.  My whole family is vegetarian.”  Here I almost added “vegan,” but thought better of it. 

He gave me a blank stare. 

“I shut you down, huh?” I inquired, stating the obvious. 

“Yeah,” he shrugged. 

I suddenly felt obligated to throw him a bone (so to speak):  “My neighbors LOVE meat!”  I pointed to their house for emphasis. 

“Have a good evening,” he murmured, defeated. 

Ahhh, Meaties.  They don’t stand a chance.  Now if someone just knocked on my door with a truck called “Chocolate-ies.” 


  1. Love it! And I agree about people coming knocking on the door. I don't care if they are selling siding or salvation, they are going to get whatever smart-aleck response I can come up with.

    On a similar note. . . my mom was once visited by a vacuum-cleaner salesman. They had just gotten married and just moved into their first home. So he asks if he can demo on her carpet. "We don't have carpets." Well, could he demo on her furniture? "We don't have furniture." He just sort of backed down the walk and left, apparently marking the house as "keep away," because she never got any more vacuum salesmen there!

    1. Your mom is a Rock Star. I want to be her when I grow up.

  2. We have a local pest control company that hires good looking college aged kids. I don't know what their training consist of, but they go door to door and they are the most persistent sales people you can imagine. I have resisted them several times, which I'm typically pretty good at doing. Sometimes I just don't answer the door. The last time I did answer, I literally had to close the door while the kid was talking. No thank you just doesn't work. I felt so bad. I don't need or want a pest control company! It's as simple as that!

    1. Well, at least those good-looking college age have a bright future ahead of them-- they will probably own that company some day!

  3. Note to self: the "m" does not stand for "meat."

  4. Hilarious! Meaties....sheesh...



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