MOVarazzi

Thursday, May 23, 2013

965. Open Letter to Target Corporation

Dear Target Corporation,

You have ruined my life, on multiple levels. 
First, I must point out that although your uniform of a red shirt and khakis is attractive and pleasing to the eye, it is also an outfit that I myself used to favor, but can no longer wear because if I happen to wear it to shop there, other customers inevitably confuse me for a Target employee and start badgering me about where light-bulbs or kitty litter are located (aisle 17 and aisle 19b respectively, since I do happen to know those two).  Anyway, it is disconcerting to be doing my normal shopping and repeatedly have people coming up to me, when I at first think I might know them from my kids’ schools, and I start out cheery because I think they just want my opinion on something (green leaf printed beach towel or flamingoes?) when they actually want information.  They get very rude when I say “I don’t work here” and I even had a woman once accuse me of lying. 

So, right off the bat, you need to change the uniform. 
Next, you have too many choices of cookies, all of them good.  This should be self-explanatory:  you are making me fat.  I do not weigh 118 125 140 my goal weight like I did in college, and it is all your fault.

Third, we need to discuss the dollar section.  I, for one, love the dollar section and can quickly spend multiple dollars on useless junk that I do not need just because you have arranged it in a flattering way and have good lighting.  Everything there is colorful and persuasive, and instantly turns not-as-good the second I get it home.  WHY IS THAT? 
Last, the Starbucks.  When I initially saw that you had built a Starbucks inside your hallowed walls, I was super-excited.  But now, just like the three things I have listed above, it is merely another way that you are wreaking havoc on me.  The question becomes, do I get my Starbucks coffee right when I walk in and start to shop, or do I get it at the end?  A smart person would get it at the end so that they would not spill it all over the toothpaste and deodorant and paper towels that are in their basket as they are shopping.  But I am not smart.  Therefore, I normally buy it first and then have to juggle it around like a hot potato as I shop.  You need to post very clear signs, signs that say, “We will not serve Starbucks to patrons entering the store, only those leaving it.”  It’s the right thing to do and you know it. 

Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.  Feel free to send me some coupons for compensation of having ruined my life.  I like coupons for Mint Milano cookies. 
Sincerely,
MOV

16 comments:

  1. I don't know who first came up with it but I love that joke that goes something like

    "I accidentally wore a red shirt with khakis to go shopping at Target today. Long story short I think I've been promoted to assistant manager."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wait-- they only asked me to mop the bathroom. Was I demoted to bathroom cleaning attendant?!?

      (like I don't do enough of that at home already.......)

      Delete
  2. Target has WAY too many pretty, shiny things. I think we all have some magpie in us.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If magpies like Mint Milanos and only spending a dollar on cute notepads with pictures of dancing puppies wearing 4th of July gear..... then, yes, I am a magpie.

      Delete
  3. Snort, snort, chuckle, snort...!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And THAT is why I write.

      (I assume that is laughing and you are not dying of a heart attack. If you did die of a heart attack, my condolences and please have your husband let me know so I can remove this comment so I won't be considered as a "leading factor" in your untimely death.)

      I am sticking with the laughter theory.

      Delete
  4. Replies
    1. thanks!!! I am totally gonna send it to Target. Dare me to.

      Delete
  5. Everyone is going to the polo/khaki combo for their uniforms. It's impossible to tell the workers from the customers anymore. I say all store/restaurant employees need to go back to the awful polyester of yesteryear! If I could wear a bow-tie and one-size-fits-all skirt to my ankles to work at Big Boy, so can everyone else!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I used to work at Carl's Junior (brown polyester with zippers) so I feel your pain. I do.

      Delete
  6. So funny! Obviously we all need to hurry up with those unisex jumpsuits from the future and rely only on official badges for identification. As a bonus, coffee spills will wipe right off the space-age jumpsuit material. (Oh, and the chocolate aisle is worse than the cookie aisle IMHO.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. chocolate aisle...........mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

      glad you liked my post! come back and read more when you get a chance. :)

      Delete
  7. You did it again, I laughed all my mascara off and now have to go reapply.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Vicki, that is my number one goal: make people's mascara run. glad I could make you laugh!!

      Delete
  8. You know, Target now has a bridal line. Could be helpful since you're not really married. ;-)

    ReplyDelete

When you write a comment, it makes me feel like I won the lottery or at the very least like I ate an ice-cream sundae. (This has nothing to do with the fact that I did just eat an ice-cream sundae.)