MOVarazzi

Monday, May 20, 2013

962. I Have a Really Good Sense of Direction ...

“Mom, turn here! I know a shortcut!” 

I made a right. Then a left. A u-turn. Another left. I circled the block. I was getting dizzy. What should be a three-minute jaunt turned into a 20-minute epic journey of every street, alley, boulevard, or cul-de-sac within a two mile radius.   
What the heck are they teaching my kid in first grade in public school, I wondered, because it certainly isn’t navigational skills.

For the first time in seven years, I was having doubts about my genius child and his future as an airline pilot. If the tower told him to fly from Denver to San Francisco, who’s to say he wouldn’t take a little detour to New York and perhaps Canada? He would get fired on his first day.

Don’t panic, MOV, don’t panic. It’s a joke! He’s messing with you!

“Tall,” I began, “Who taught you this shortcut? Was it Grandpa? Because he lives in Colorado and doesn’t know our streets. If you drove this way with him, he might’ve been lost.”

“Mom, don’t vilify me yet! I know exactly where I’m going. Trust me.” And then the kicker: “I’m trying to do YOU a favor.”

Maybe he was unclear on the definition of “shortcut”? Maybe he thought it meant something about wasting time and making other people in the car lose patience?

“Sweetie, what do you think the word ‘shortcut’ means, exactly?”

“It means ‘a shorter way home’.” And then to his brother in a whisper, “Why does she have to be so pedantic?”

Right-left-left-turn-right-across-back-right. I glanced at the gas gauge: it was on empty now.

“Look, Mommy!” piped up Short, “We’re almost home now! You’ll recognize this next street. Just look around and think hard.”

All I did was look around and think hard. My whole life was look around and think hard. I was afraid my brain would explode.

“Okay, Mom, last turn,” announced Tall triumphantly. “There’s our house … this is precisely the way our school bus goes.”


MOV
*****
this is a modified version of a story I wrote a while ago/ trifecta writing challenge / exactly 333 words, required word is "pedantic"-- meaning unimaginative or pedestrian

52 comments:

  1. LOL. I love it. It's been hard having a sense of direction since leaving behind our mountains. How do people navigate without mountains?

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    1. so true! I used to live in SD, and the ocean was my constant guide......

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  2. This was so entertaining, and I had no idea where you were going with it until the end (which I really enjoyed!). I liked the writing style as well. Nice work.

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    1. thanks! appreciate your kind words. :)

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  3. Haha :D Good one. I really enjoyed this!

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    1. thanks! hope you come back and read more.

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  4. Ha!ha!This is so damned good-loved it MOV!:-)No worries-your son will definitely be a wonderful pilot-his passengers will get a free tour of all the points enroute;-)

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    1. thank you! what a nice comment!

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  5. I remember cherishing the old school bus route. Bus routes in general always feature their own logic.

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    1. I could never be a bus driver.......... I would want to go the fastest way!

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  6. This was fun! A genius with a sense of humor! Well done!! I have no sense of direction myself, so I probably wouldn't make a good bus driver-not unless I had your son for a passenger;)

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    1. thanks! and my older son is quite bossy, so he might be a good navigator......

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  7. Wonderful! That's one of the better shortcuts I've seen. When I was growing up we didn't call them shortcuts though, we called it "taking the scenic route home." They started as shortcuts, truly, and then turned into the exact opposite as time went on. Great use of "pedantic."

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    1. thanks! scenic route, I love it!

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  8. Dynamite ending! Ha! Ha! Ha! I always felt sorry for kids on school buses. Loved the vocabulary on Tall. Good way to work in the prompt. You have this style of humourous writing down cold.

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    1. thanks! I am working on it. :)

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  9. Oh I really enjoyed this. Such fun dialogue all the way through! And the ending really "brought it on home" so to speak! Just delightful. :D

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    1. oh, WOW, such a nice compliment from the humor writer, I must be doing something right! Your words mean a lot, Linda. thanks!!!

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  10. Love that ending. And your kids have quite the vocabulary (:

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    1. thank you! this was a super-fun piece to write. (the editing was harder, though)

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  11. Haha. Smart kid! If he remembers the school bus route, you needn't worry.. since those are the most complicated routes of all.

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    1. my brain is like tied up spaghetti after driving around with him.........

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  12. I too didn't know where this was going until the very end. great writing and very entertaining, I love it!

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  13. Giggles... just like a first grader, too! At least he knows how to memorize the route.

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    1. those kids, they notice everything (I do not remember memorizing my bus route when I was a kid, but then I did get lost a lot....)

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  14. The bus route - that's a good one. Thank goodness my kids haven't tried that 'short cut' out on me!

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  15. I have experienced this as well. It's sort of mystifying to follow the bus route. I like that your kids use words like "vilify" and "pedantic."

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  16. Oh God, I actually did this to my parents once. "This is exactly the way the school bus takes" was my defense too. Great story.

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  17. My kids have done this as well - Great piece.

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  18. This was really funny! You're very good at communicating the frustrations of the parent, and holding in that punch line as a whammy is HILARIOUS! (I love the drawing, by the way.)

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  19. Ha, loved that last line... :-)

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  20. That was a lot of fun. Loved the drawing at the end. Definition of a shortcut: longest distance from point A to B.

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  21. I'm still laughing. This is brilliant. (RogRites)

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    1. brilliant-- wow! thanks for the nice comment!

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  22. Ahahahahaha!! I love the punchline. Obviously the bus goes faster, right?

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  23. Haha! I love your kids! Thanks for linking up. Don't forget to come back and vote!

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    1. I will! thanks for the voting reminder. everyone vote for me and I will share the one million dollar prize. Right, Lisa?

      Lisa?

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  24. Great story - and as someone who just had a journey from hell today courtesy of trusting a SatNav that appears to have been programmed by Loki I completely sympathise. I loved the dialogue and the punchline.

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    1. thanks! please come back and read more.

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  25. Oh my, this could be a true story. lol, it was funny.

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    1. That's because it IS a true story. :) I can't make this stuff up!

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  26. I laughed out loud at this. Sometimes I wish you could bottle the things kids say! I love your knack with description. LM x

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