MOVarazzi

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

960. The Day I Found Out I Wasn't Married

“What do you mean, we’re not married?” 

“Just what I said:  Not.  Married.”  He shrugged nonchalantly, as if he said, Hon, we’re out of toothpaste.   
 “Sweetie, I paid the minister.  Signed papers.  Ate cake.  It’s a done deal.” 

“According to the Los Angeles’ Registrar, it’s not a done deal.” 
“Registrar?”

“Don’t worry, I’m petitioning it.  But in the meantime, we’re not married.” 
“Is this your way of telling me you have a girlfriend?” 

“No.  This is my way of telling you not to go to the ER.  You’re not covered under my insurance if we’re not married.” 
“WE ARE MARRIED.” 

“Please don’t get sick.”  He gave me a deliberate look that said, I hope you’ve been saving because you’ll be paying your own medical bills out of your Starbucks’ latte fund. 
“What if I die?” 

“Dying is not covered.  Don’t die.” 
“Ooh, if we’re not married, can we get remarried, have a big party?  That would be fun.” 

“No.”    
“What about a honeymoon?  I deserve it for putting up with you for 13 years.” 

“Sure, we can go on another honeymoon, as long as we go separate places by ourselves.” 
I was flabbergasted that he said that.  Although I agreed completely.  I was mentally picturing myself in Hawaii and him at the Grand Canyon.  Separate honeymoons was an idea whose time had come. 

“I’m kidding.  You know we’d have to take the kids.  Or maybe they could go somewhere by themselves.  Hmm, that could work.” 
This was the first time I considered our (il-) legitimate children.    

“Sweetie, what will become of our illegitimate children?”  
“They can get sick.  They’re covered.  But you’re not.” 

Suddenly, I felt a violent headache coming on. 
“I think I have a brain tumor.  Maybe I should get it looked at.” 

“You have to wait until the State of California straightens out this mess.  No brain tumors this week.”          
I turned and walked out of the room.    

“Where are you going?” 
“Online.  I have four separate vacations to plan.”   

MOV
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trifecta writing challenge, the word is "deliberate," essay is exactly 333 words

46 comments:

  1. Can you make it five? I could really use a vacation too. Maybe you can find some place that sells them in bulk.

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    1. I can easily plan a 5th vacation, what with all my free time now that I found out I am not married (no more having to wash The Husband's dirty socks = 5 hours extra per week). Do you prefer Italy or maybe Peru? You strike me as a Peru kinda guy.

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  2. You just put a smile on my face. Thanks and I hope that honeymoon rocks for you.

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    1. Oh, it will. And I will write about it. :)

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  3. Replies
    1. Ha! I only wish I were paid what sitcom stars are paid....

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  4. Replies
    1. I was kinda counting on it. Do you like the color orange?

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  5. And how do your kids feel about being born out of wedlock? ;P

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    1. They now identify with Brad and Angelina's kids. (Even more than they did before, I mean.)

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  6. Oooh, separate honeymoons? Sounds fun! Maybe you should make yours an "all girls" honeymoon. Get some friends and go somewhere great -- Paris, Hawaii, Tahiti?

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    1. how about a spa? this is sounding better by the minute!

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  7. I'm just gong to start calling you "common-law." Has a nice ring, no?

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    1. Ring? Did you say "ring"? Maybe I will get a 5-carat diamond ring out of the deal! Always looking for the silver (platinum?) lining........

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  8. Are you serious? This is even better than the state of CA throwing me out of my retirement plan after 12 years!

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    1. Dead serious. Yikes, CA threw you out of your retirement plan?!? This makes me glad I do not live in CA anymore.

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  9. I WILL MARRY YOU! Oh sorry, did I come on too strong? I was just so excited to find out you're (temporarily?) single...

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    1. Robyn, if you are half as cool as the writing on your blog, I would be a fool not to marry you. Consider us cyber-spouses. Now about that honeymoon in Paris.........

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  10. That is hilarious! Got to wonder how the topic ever came up...how did he find out?

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    1. Ha! This is 100% true, and the way he found out was that his work (where he has been employed for 15 years) had some sort of health care (self-) audit, and they deemed his paperwork "unsatisfactory." So, it took us a few weeks to get it fixed (a nice, quiet time when I fantasized about taking a 'round-the-world cruise solo with zero repercussions), but now it is finally legit. AT LONG LAST!!! (And no, I did not get a 5-carat diamond out of the deal-- but you can't blame a girl for trying.)

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  11. The dialogue here is laugh out loud. Great piece.

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    1. Thanks, Kelly! I appreciate you stopping by. :)

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  12. *snort* I love the husband's crispness and the wife's confusion. Great work.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Draug! Art imitates Life? or is it the other way 'round.....

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  13. I would be so disturbed about the idea of not being married. But this conversation was too cute!

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    1. I was briefly disturbed, but then I thought we could get remarried and have the big party!!! Why not?
      (It did not come to that, it was all resolved. Darn it.)

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  14. Oh, this is too funny! I've been married for over sixteen years and LOVE the idea of a separate honeymoon (I love my husband, really, but sometimes a vacation is getting AWAY :))

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  15. Oh my, what a crazy situation, and it just got crazier as the story went on. Much fun with this one.

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    1. thanks! it was crazy in real life too.

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  16. Wow, so she had a chance to get out of the deal? Sweet. I actually know someone who's husband signed in the wrong place, so they weren't really married. She thought about not re-signing--seriously. But ten years later, she's glad she went ahead and did.

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    1. ha! glad I am not alone in this kind of thing.......

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  17. Funny, how your own personal perspective can color things. I couldn't help but read this as a married-but-not-married same-sex couple in California. I loved the dialogue - you conveyed confusion beautifully!

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    1. oh, so true! never thought of it that way.

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  18. Separate honeymoons? Pure genius.

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  19. Does this mean you can take, say, Chris Hemsworth on your honeymoon? *seeing as you're not "married" and all*

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    1. just googled him, RARHHHHH! yes, that is how I interpret the separate honeymoon contingency.

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  20. When a technicality becomes life and death, it's scary.
    I was also going down the gay partner path: so much harder to resolve.

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    1. I agree.......... all people should have the same rights.

      (except I should have the right to be allowed to cut in front of the security line at the airport because I USED TO BE a flight attendant. that should count for something, hmm?)

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  21. I think you handled it better than me. I would have gone crazy. But great idea for the separate honeymoons, Hawaii sounds fabulous.

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    1. thanks! who can say no to Hawaii?

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  22. You and Marianne at We Band of Mothers have both made me completely crack up today. And I'm normally quite stoic. You even made my husband laugh. No mean feat. =)

    -andi

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  23. OMG! This was fun! dropping in from a to z road trip-- following...
    tm

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    Replies
    1. thank you! stay a while and poke around my archives. I write funny.

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