MOVarazzi

Sunday, January 13, 2013

887. Dumb Phone

I kept hearing about the Smart Phone so often that I finally broke down and bought one.  Trouble is, it’s smarter than me. 

“Smarter than I,” insists Siri, the magical and slightly condescending smart gal who lives in my phone, “because if you finished the sentence, what you meant was ‘Smarter than I am.’ Not ‘Smarter than me am.’  Get it?” 
Oh, I got it all right. 

The Smart Phone tells me the date, time, weather, my navigational location, stock balances, as well as the answer to any mathematical equation I can dream up—and those are merely the standard features that appear on my screen when I turn on the phone.  The sole app” I have so far is the flashlight, and I only have that because they installed it for me free at the Apple store when I took my iPhone class.
“It’s free for everyone, MOV,” said my brother when I showed off my new flashlight, so very very proud of myself and my strategic spending (or not spending in this case).  “Why would you pay for it?  That’s an easy feature to upload.”

And that’s another thing I don’t understand:  the difference between upload and download.  Since I never know which one is correct, I alternate, hoping to get it right at least half the time. 
“I’ve uploaded that excel spreadsheet,” I brag. 

“Don’t you mean downloaded?” corrects The Husband. 
“How many videos have you uploaded on your iPhone?” asks my sister Oakley. 

“Umm, none?  Does my phone do that?  I don’t think my phone does that.” 
Long, exasperated sigh, this time from my 9-year-old son channeling his future teen-aged self.  “Maaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhmmm,” he says, dragging the one syllable out into a dozen, “It’s not that hard.” 

But, see, the thing is:  it is that hard.  I just don’t get it.  I witness people at restaurants or gas stations or libraries or the grocery store just tap-tap-tapping away on their Smart Phone, uploading gluten-free menu options or downloading favorite book lists or uploading coupons for cereal.  How do they do all that?  I can barely understand how to enter a new contact. 
“Here, let me show you,” my 6-year-old says matter-of-factly, as he grabs the phone out of my hand.  “Just click on this icon and then highlight the name and drag it over here and Voila!  That saves you from having to re-type the number, especially if they recently called you.  Do you know the person’s birthday?  Because there is a app where you can add that and then the phone will remind you so you can send a card.” 

I have a built-in app where I have all the birthdays recorded already—it’s a special app I call my “brain.”  I might patent it.  I can easily remember all important dates without having to be reminded by a dumb computer.  How did human beings get along for centuries without this technology?  They got along just fine, flourished even, thank you very much.  Did Benjamin Franklin have a Smart Phone?  No.  Leonardo da Vinci?  I don't think so.  Christopher Columbus?  Not a chance.  They invented electricity and discovered continents and created masterpieces!  If they could survive and even excel, then surely I can too!   
“MOV, it’s okay that you missed our anniversary yesterday,” soothes The Husband, “I realize that you don’t know how to work your phone just yet.” 

MOV

28 comments:

  1. I'm finally figuring out my phone. I figure I'll have a handle on it right about the time that it becomes obsolete.

    (And I finished your book. And it's AWESOME!!!!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you, Stephanie! I really like the cover. :) And they say that you can't judge a book by its cover-- ha!

      Delete
  2. I got my phone about ten days agao, and I am still a phone idiot. I did not get the 5 because I did not want to talk to my phone or have my phone talk to me. That is why I have a husband. I ply him with food and he pretends to converse. I did get a few apps: pinterest (aka the Debbil), Target (because if Target was a man, I would marry him. Oh, wait. He'd probably be gay. No guy could ever be as cool as Target, unless he was gay), google, My Fitness Pal (a teacher lost thirty pounds just by using it), and of course the facebook. Do you know the facebook? I have friends there. Good luck getting to know the b^tc# inside your phone!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, I am soooooooooo writing a post about Target being my gay boyfriend. Hopefully you do not mind me borrowing that idea. I will give you full credit.

      Delete
  3. The end result of all NEW smart phone users is that 6 weeks from now, you will be rolling your eyes at and acting superior around anyone you see with an old style flip phone. You won't be able to comprehend how someone can survive in this world without a computer attached to the end of their arm.

    As for the uploading, downloading issue. I try to avoid the words all together. By the time I figure out if the file is going to or from the Internet...I have lost interest in the file. It's like steering into or away from a skid in a car on ice...by the time I figure it out, the car is wrecked.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I already laugh and sneer at anyone with a flip phone. The Husband is developing quite the complex when he uses his in front of me.

      Delete
  4. Smart phones are tiny computers! Tiny computers that are supposed to make life easier! That's why you must spend every minute of your life on them! Because otherwise, obviously, you would be dumb.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I also drank the koolaid and got a Galaxy III. I'm reluctantly falling in love. I have my grocery list on it. And it tracks my calories and my periods.

    DAMMIT!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are way too organized for me.

      Delete
  6. Replies
    1. Thank God I am not the only one!

      Delete
  7. You're freakin' hilarious. I'm glad I found this blog.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Therese! Glad you are here. :)

      Delete
  8. I was intimidated by Siri at first but now I quite like her!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She is sorta like that snooty cheerleader that you used to love to hate but then when you get to know her, turns out she is super nice and then she ends up being your maid of honor at your wedding.......

      Delete
  9. Apps are too much for me. I am content to use my smarterthanI phone to make calls, email, and text. I also like the calculator. I know how to take photos with the camera in it, but don't know what to do with them so why bother taking photos?

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OMG, I don't know what to do with the photos either! Once I accidentally clicked a button that said "album" but it was empty...... maybe that is where the photos are supposed to go?!

      best,
      MOV

      Delete
  10. I just got a smart phone, too, and it drives me crazy! Very possibly I am the world's worst texter - never mind all the other stuff it does.
    Mary A. - you track with your periods with your phone???????? Ermagherd...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yes, still trying to get the hang of texting........ texts are like little personal twitters, I want them to be funny and exciting and relevant, but then they end up saying things like "Please pick up Tall from basketball practice at 6."

      Delete
  11. thank you for writing this. This is exactly why I have not gotten a smart phone; I too do not need anything smarter than me living in my house. My son has to help me turn my regular cell phone to vibrate from ring; I'm so clueless on these matters......

    betty

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ha! send your son over here-- I think I could use his help!

      Delete
  12. I have a super-duper basic phone. It makes calls, receives calls, and I can text. However, I did break down and get an iPad, ostensibly as a learning tool for the children. I know it can do a lot more than what I've tried to figure out so far.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "For the children." That is how it always starts, Couse........

      Delete
  13. I am constantly reminded that not everyone gets technology as well as others. It took my wife several months to almost understand how to use her smartphone and I think she may be faking it.

    But compared to my friend that once deposited her check into her ATM 3 times because she couldn't figure out that she had to put the envelope into the machine after she told it how much she was depositing, my wife is a technical genius.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your wife is a techinical genius, especially if she is faking it.

      Delete
  14. I'm totally phone illiterate. My kids have to navigate for me too...on my HUSBAND'S phone. MY phone still sits in its cradle at home and can't be used further than the home fence (I know, I tried it out).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Heidi, so glad I am not the only one!

      Delete

When you write a comment, it makes me feel like I won the lottery or at the very least like I ate an ice-cream sundae. (This has nothing to do with the fact that I did just eat an ice-cream sundae.)