Friday, December 28, 2012

882. Excuse Me, Spammy

I get a lot of spam comments on my blog.  I blame myself, as I have turned off the “comment verification” feature so that my regular readers do not have to squint at the screen and get out their magnifying glasses while trying to ascertain if that is a “9” or a “g” or a “w” or just two letter “v”s squished together in a wavy font.     

My spam filter catches about 80% of these spam comments.  The rest I have to delete by hand, which is annoying and time-consuming.  I was trying to think of an accurate way to describe spam.  I am a writer, so you’d think it would be easy.  However, I cannot choose only one metaphor. 

What I Think Spam Is Like

·         Mosquitoes (giant ones buzzing around your neck and ears during the hottest part of summer, even though you recently installed new screens on your windows)

·         Splinters (painful ones when you are least expecting it, like when you innocently run your hand along a railing next to a waterfront restaurant where you were having a good time up until this moment)

·         Dog poop (that you thought was dog poop, but now that it is on your expensive new shoes you realize it may in fact be dinosaur poop)

·         Food poisoning (after eating raw eggs in a Mexican prison, not that that has ever happened to me—I am using the powers of imagination here)

·         Getting an “F” (on a test that you truly truly truly had no idea was scheduled for today and you have not read the chapters let alone done the homework)

·         Someone cutting you off while driving (in heavy traffic and then they make you miss your light and the light ends up being, like, 15 minutes long which of course makes you late to wherever you were going)

·         The store being out of your size (so you try on the smaller size but guess what it is too small and the end result is that you feel bad about yourself and throw that last donut right in the trash even though it was perfectly good)

·         Realizing you inadvertently locked your cat in the basement (for 24 hours and she has been without food, water, or a litter box, and yes—that was the “weird moaning sound” you heard down there)

·         Having an expired coupon (but not realizing it and presenting it anyway and the store does not honor it and you would not normally buy the thing without the coupon but now you are too embarrassed to put the thing back because that will make you look cheap to the salesperson who you will most likely never see again, ever)

·         Patches of invisible ice (on your front porch stairs, and then you slip and fall on your elbow—no, it’s not broken, but it sure as hell feels like it is)

Yeah, spam is like that. 

It is also fairly easy to recognize because for some strange reason, spammers do not speak very good English.  It’s like they all learned English as a second language from someone who spoke English as a third language or fourth or tenth language, someone whose native language is most likely so different from English that there are no such things as verbs or nouns.  These spammers talk in a language of garbled clichés and unclear rhetoric.      
So, for the past few days, instead of deleting the spam, I saved it so I could reprint it here for you for pure entertainment value.  Enjoy!      

·         This is very interesting.  You’re an overly professional blogger.  I have joined your feed and look ahead to searching for extra of your magnificent post. 

·         This piece of writing is in fact a good one it assists new the web users, who are wishing for blogging. 

·         Hey there and thank you for your information—I’ve certainly picked up anything new from right here.  I did however expertise a few technical points using this web site, as I experienced to reload the web site lots of times previous to I could get it to load properly. 

·         Asking questions are actually nice thing if you are not understanding anything entirely, however this piece of writing provides pleasant understanding yet. 

·         Pretty component to content.  I simply stumbled upon your weblog and in accession capital to claim that I acquire in fact loved account your blog posts.  Anyway I’ll be subscribing for your feeds and even I achievement you get entry to constantly rapidly. 

I wish this was fiction, but honestly how can someone make up stuff like that?      

p.s. And thank you to Youngman Brown for giving me today's topic!  I was thinking about writing about this, but you definitely pushed me over the edge.  :) 


  1. Jesus. I thought I was the only one. On my blog, for some reason, they give links to sites where you can buy sports jerseys.

    1. Just now I was wondering where I could buy a sports jersey.

  2. LOL; it does get frustrating to deal with spam, but I am so THANKFUL you don't have word verification; word verification (which could be another great topic to write about) is like the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard........

    I do too wonder who comes up with those "cleverly" written spam comments :)

    enjoy the weekend!


  3. Oh my God, you have the same spam people I have, I thought I was the only one that was brilliant, informative and highly interesting. Thankfully mine all gets caught.

  4. I have those same beautiful spam comments. I read them sometimes when I need a self-esteem boost, because they're all so complimentary. My favourite of all time was the one who said they were "facing a few of these issues as well" when I put up a post about giant ants taking over the world. I loved that one so much that I left it up.

  5. I also hate spam. I turned on comment approval for posts older than a day and it makes it a lot easier to sort through them.

  6. Replies
    1. Aha! Just did both. Hopefully it will make a difference. Thanks for the tips. :)

  7. Yes, we all get those lovely spam comments. I think your analogies are perfect. (it must be noted that I also have never been in a Mexican prison but am relying on the power of your imagination) I have done all the others although maybe the dog poop in my case was cat poop.

    I agree that word verification is the bane of commenters. I'd rather deal with the spam. Every once in a while I change my settings to not allow anonymous comments, leave it a day or two and switch it back. It seams to break the links from the autobot commenters and cuts out a lot of it for awhile. The reason I don't leave it off is it seems to kick out some legitimate comments.

  8. I think my favourite spams are the ones that criticise your blog, obviously in the hopes you'll follow the link back to their website to see who thinks your spelling is dreadful.

  9. I think quite a lot of the spam I get originates from Poland. My Blog appears to have become rather popular in Poland but I have had a huge surge in spam too........ Mmmmmmmmm suspicious. Luckily about 90% of it is spotted by blogger and so far 99% has been Anonymous. There is a rather good Monty Python sketch called SPAM SPAM SPAM AND SPAM available on youtube and I always like to think of that if it all starts to annoy me

  10. Please you follow my blog I find you writing very informative and helpful to my beautiful country of USA. Please also buy my unidentified product for $39.95 US cash dollars.


    This is great!

  11. I'd like spam! Better than no comments at all ahah ;)

  12. I NEVER get spam. It's like I'm not worthy.


  13. This is very interesting. You’re an overly professional blogger. I have joined your feed and look ahead to searching for extra of your magnificent post.

  14. I thought spam came in a can. I gave some to my brother-in-law for Christmas.

  15. I keep getting spam that has links to some sort of tobacco web site... and I quit smoking years ago. The spam comments are all on one old post, too. Very strange.


When you write a comment, it makes me feel like I won the lottery or at the very least like I ate an ice-cream sundae. (This has nothing to do with the fact that I did just eat an ice-cream sundae.)