Tuesday, December 11, 2012

874. I Am Judgmental of Mean People

If you read my blog regularly, you already know my mom just died of cancer.  And you know that I was in California for six weeks (along with my sister and brother) dealing with that.  The part of the story I left out is what happened while I was gone. 

While I was gone and The Husband took care of the kids, people thought that I had
·         divorced my husband
·         been fired from my job
·         had a mental breakdown
·         joined the circus

Really, people?  I have no juggling skills whatsoever.  I am much better at ice-skating. 
The point is, it did not occur to these people to—I dunno—ask!  As in, Where is MOV?  Is everything okay?  Is there anything I can do to help, like watch her kids for a few hours or weeks? 

Instead, people just jump to conclusions.  (And by the way, why is the phrase “jump” and not “slide” or “jog quickly”?  It is “jump.”  Maybe it should be “parachute to conclusions” or “skydive to conclusions with reckless abandon.”) 
So, now that I am back home, I have decided that I am going to be judgmental of people who decide to believe certain things about me without bothering to verify.  I started yesterday.  I was at Tall’s basketball practice sitting on the sidelines writing a few personal letters to some distant friends to let them know about my mom’s death.  It felt too impersonal to notify them in an email. 

I have some sad news to share:  my mom died on October 29.  I just wanted to—
“I wish I thought to do that!” interrupted one of the basketball kids’ moms.    

“Excuse me?”  I looked up at her. 
“You are so smart to use this time to do your Christmas cards.  You really have your act together.  I wish I was you!” 

I cried in the car on the way home. 



  1. Oh my word. Honestly, people can be so insensitive. Sometimes they say stupid things because they don't know any better, but other times. . . I am sorry. I hope you are coping today.

  2. Maybe people "ignorantly trip" into conclusions? grrrrr!

  3. I'm so sorry. That is horrible. I am sorry for your loss and your grief and for everyone who is so wrapped up in their own concerns they can't stop for a minute & take someone else's perspective.
    I love your writing btw.

  4. I am so sorry that someone parachuted to that conclusion when you are still so much in the grieving process. Actually, I think that comment was an absurd leap on her part...why would would anyone assume it was Christmas cards? I would have been doing a to-do list.

    I don't know how (as a culture) we've all gotten so isolated from each other and oblivious to other's needs.

    I have a number of stories that pertain to that type of "pole vaulting" to conclusions but one that comes to mind.... A few years ago a woman from the March of Dimes called our house to ask my husband (who worked a committee for the Mother's March) to see if he was open to be on the most eligible bachelor auction. He asked her why she would think he was single and she said because he didn't wear a wedding band. It had been stolen in a house robbery a few months before and we hadn't gotten to the point of buying him a new one.

  5. Yeah, a lot of people pretty much just suck. When you find the good ones, hold on tight.


  6. That'd be a pretty crappy Christmas card.

    I hate people sometimes.

  7. people are a$$holes, and karma's a bit#h. That is all.

  8. I don't know if people are more intentionally mean, or willfully ignorant. Maybe intentionally ignorant. (But on the bright side, people sometimes assume I much smarter than I am, because I use big words. Thank you, Word a Day calendar.)

  9. Poor you; I can see why you would have cried especially after that insensitive comment. People certainly don't think before they open their mouths. It is amazing though that you were gone that long and people assumed the worst in your marriage, etc., rather than trying to figure out really what was up to perhaps help your hubby and kids. Good reminder for us to not assume but to ask.


  10. I would not want to be that one jackdonkey to get you when you finally unleash from being exposed to stupid assuming ?@?$?%?. I am so sorry MOV.
    I care about your hurt ~Janice~

  11. That is disgusting! I am SO SO SO sorry. I will send hugs to you and pray for the mean people... that Karma doesn't completely Eff up their life for good! Asswipes! Mean people suck.

  12. Really? You guys think that lady was awful and mean? Seems like she was giving MOV a compliment just trying to start up small talk, maybe to get to know her or have a conversation instead of just sitting in silence. I've probably said similar things without thinking the whole scenario out completely, but it's totally not mean-spirited, its more just reaching out to connect to people. There's no way she could have known that a recent loss had occurred. I use this type of story to remind myself to try not to assume things (or judge people), but I wouldnt condemn her as stupid or disgusting for complimenting MOV as a way to start a conversation.

    1. hey Jenny,
      I agree with you. I did not in any way think she (mom at basketball game) was being mean. The situation made me VERY aware of all the times I myself have jumped to conclusions. It is an honest mistake.
      The problem I have is with neighbors or whoever gossiping about me in a mean-spirited way when my mother just died. No one needs to go around assuming things about me or my life. I could use a little compassion right now instead of negative chatter from acquaintances. I guess that is what makes me sad.
      Thanks for reading my blog, and thanks for taking the time to comment. It means a lot to me.


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