MOVarazzi

Saturday, May 12, 2012

771. I'd Follow You Anywhere

I get super-duper excited whenever I notice a new follower here on my blog.  You know how excited you were when you were four years old and it was Christmas eve?


Multiply that by winning the lottery ... and then multiply that by discovering when you try to put your skinny jeans on that they are really loose ... and then exponentially increase that by going on Space Mountain at Disneyland twice in a row without having to wait in line again ...


... and then quadruple that with your husband buying you a new Ferrari ...

... and then add that to the nice UPS guy dropping off big boxes from Amazon of stuff you forgot your ordered ...

... and stack that on top of your child proudly showing you he got an "A" on his test ...

and then infinity plus that to the Starbucks girl handing you a free latte for no reason when you walk in the door ... 

... THAT is how happy I am when I get a new follower. 

Probably even a little bit more than that, though. 

Conversely, you can see how I might be a little bit not quite so happy when I lose a follower; losing a follower is exactly like when a bug flies in your eye accidentally. 

(Not that bugs fly in your eye on purpose, I mean, why would they do that?  And it is always more than one bug, by the way.  It feels like a small army of bugs.  They make you want to pull your eyeball out and wash it for, like, two hours straight.) 

Losing a follower also reminds me of when you stub your toe really hard.  Or fall down stairs.  Cement stairs.  Onto your face. 
  


Yeah, that is what it is like to lose a follower.       

Anyway, if you stopped following me because we “lost” you, as in, you are dead, then I do apologize in advance.  Or retrospect.  I guess I apologize in retrospect.  If you have died, that is a completely legitimate reason to not follow my blog anymore. 
So you are off the hook. 
But, you know what, if you are dead, don’t your grieving loved ones have better things to do then un-follow blogs?  I mean, shouldn’t they be planning your elaborate funeral and dividing up your priceless coin collection and figuring out how to access your safe deposit box instead of worrying about your online presence? 

This leads me to believe that if a reader has abruptly stopped following me, it is intentional.  This hurts my feelings.  I literally spend hours (okay, not really hours—days) trying to figure out what exactly I said that was so upsetting as to cause an individual to go to the trouble to click on their profile, find the blogs they follow, zoom in on my blog, and click “Un-Follow.”  Then, Blogger even verifies, just to make sure there is no mistake:  “Are you SURE you want to stop following this blog?” 

What was it, exactly, that was so offensive about what I wrote?  Did they not like Queen Virgo dancing through IKEA offering unsolicited advice to pregnant people she did not know?  Or was the blog about espresso machines particularly troubling?  How about the one with Muse in jail?  Did the fact that she was resisting arrest smack of civil disobedience and hence signal a potential demise in the quality of my writing? 
Who knows.  But this must stop. 

I have contacted Blogger, and because we are on a first name basis (they call me “MOV” and I call them “B”), they agreed to implement some new policies, effective immediately.  From now on, when you follow my blog (or anyone’s blog on Blogger), Blogger will ask you a simple question: 
“Are you SURE you want to follow this blog?” 

After you click “YES,” you will automagically be transported to another screen with a disclaimer.  Here is the wording that will be on that screen (Blogger and I came up with the copy together): 
“By agreeing to follow this blog, you are, in effect, marrying this blog.  You will never, ever, never be allowed to de-follow this blog, no matter what.  FYI, you will not actually be forced to read this blog, but you will not be allowed to remove your thumbnail picture or name from the follower list.  Have a great day, and thanks for following!” 

I am back to that Christmas/ lottery/ Disneyland/ skinny jeans/ Ferrari feeling now. 


Thank you, Blogger!
MOV

42 comments:

  1. I too, am "over the moon" happy when I get a new follower but I don't know if it is on the exact same level as the lottery and the skinny jeans. That might be a toss up...but I agree with you about when someone unfollows me. I know that is silly but it really hurts my feelings. Whatever connection caused them to follow obviously got "broken" in some manner. Same goes for Twitter. I don't think I am secure enough to be on the Internet, maybe. If I die I will be sure to tell Hubby not to unfollow you MOV.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cheryl, I don't want you to die. But if you did, I really appreciate you saying that you would tell Hubby not to unfollow me.

      Would you mind taking it a step further and having him leave some comments from time to time? If he is using your user ID, he can even pose as you (although I will realize you are missing since his comments will not be as witty as yours). THANKS!

      Delete
  2. I enjoy your blog, I think you have a wicked sense of humor. And here comes the "but" the picture of the funeral is obviously for a fallen policeman and I feel it is disrespectful to use that picture.

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  3. Okay,MOV, now we understand each other. I love my followers too. Your sense of humor has me hooked for perpetuity until death do us part or until the internet is interred. P.S. If you help me win the lottery it would help ensure continued following. Keep in touch...LOL ":)))) ~R

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    Replies
    1. I will get right on that lottery thing.......

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  4. I hear Ya! I hate to be unfollowed....but no more because you have solved the problem hooray for you! ;o) You definitely have connections!....now could you call the manufacturer of my bathroom scale...it insists that I am 40 pounds overweight...and while you are doing that could you ring up my jean's company too; their size 10's have shrunk...dramatically! I can't seem to make any headway with either.
    Forever in your debt,
    Blessings, Joanne

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh, Joanne, I feel your pain. My size 10's have shrunk so much, they must actually be 6's. I buy 12's now instead because I KNOW they are mismarked-- clearly, they are the REAL 10's!

      Delete
  5. Here for life- and I've given you a 'Kreativ Blogger' award (see my blog, 'Gracious Acceptance Post to collect!) Hope this appreciation soothes your troubles :-)

    http://lilytequila.blogspot.co.uk/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Lily Tequila! I am most grateful! Here is a glass of (virtual) champagne in your honor! Heck, if it is virtual, I guess I can spare the whole bottle.

      Anyway, thank you so much for reading, I appreciate it!!

      Delete
  6. I am so on board for the marrying cliche so my question where do we go for the honeymoon??? Disneyland on the lottery winnings? Driving the ferrari drinking starbucks and picking bugs out of our eyes?? WEll Mov count me in!! Yes you have me hooked . See you in the funny papers.

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  7. I always find it funny, too. I wouldn't take it personally, it is usually just someone who followed you with the sole intention of getting you to follow them.

    Kinda like Twitter.

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    Replies
    1. oh, I did not think of that........

      Delete
  8. As an itty bitty blog chick myself, I'm always amazed when someone follows my blog. Especially since mine is a bit difficult to read at times. When you followed, MOV, I was really, really, surprised!! I thought, "Wow, this blogger doesn't need followers she already has a bunch." Honestly, I was quite flattered and then your blog makes me laugh - BONUS!!

    To know that you feel the same as me, a tiny speck of a blogger, about losing followers, is reassuring.

    I know there are people out there who run around, follow, wait for you to follow their blog and then unfollow yours. Silly, silly people.

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  9. I would feel sad if that happened too! I go through that on Twitter, which neither lets me get over the 40s in my followers, nor lets me know who unfollowed me, and WHY?

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    1. I think unfollowers should have to write a letter of explanation: "Here is why I am breaking up with you." Don't like confrontations? Well, then you cannot unfollow!

      Delete
  10. I don't plan on going anywhere, unless Muse disappears forever! Then, we may need to talk! :)

    In all honesty, I really enjoy your writing, so you don't have to worry about me "unfollowing" you!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Kayla! And Muse will definitely be back! People seem to love her saucy attitude.

      Delete
  11. I'm just glad that isn't really your husband...or is it?

    I followed you long ago and haven't looked back. No regrets. Besides, when you become famous, I plan on riding on your coat tails for a while.

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    1. Ha! That IS my husband!

      okay, thank goodness, it is not him.

      And I plan on riding YOUR coat tails to fame!

      Delete
  12. Have no fear, I will never unfollow you! I may suck big time at commenting lately but I read every single post you write. :D

    I love this new disclaimer, I hope "B" puts it into effect very soon!

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    Replies
    1. thank you, Meredith! And I am touched that you read all my posts. :)

      Delete
  13. LOL I lost a follower the other day, and it (Blogger, my feed service? I have no idea) actually emailed me to tell me so. That was nice. "This person thinks you suck." Well, it was probably nicer than that. My immediate thought was "Why, why? WHAT IS SO WRONG WITH ME????"

    After a bit of grousing, I got over it. Mostly.

    Jo
    In Which We Start Anew

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *sniffle* I will never get over it for you.

      Delete
  14. OH MY GOSH YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT ME!!!! I just subscribed a few days ago. Thank you for mentioning me, although I think a web address shout-out might have been nice too. I'm super excited to be here through sickness and health, crappy post and super-duper ones, til the internet crashes forever and we all go insane.

    I have had 2 notices of new subscribes this week and they aren't showing up on my subscriber list. WTF Wordpress? Did they change their mind? Not click the confirmation email (if there is one)? Why don't they check in and realize they aren't receiving my post updates so they can email me and I can manually enter them?

    Anyhoo, thanks for the post dedicated to me. It is me, right? I'm going to assume yes.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Yes, the post is for you. I originally titled it "I'd follow you anywhere, Kim The G Is Silent", but then silly Blogger said that was too many letters.

      I dedicate this post to Kim Silent G.

      Delete
  15. Thank goodness my following powers were grandfathered in.......

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  16. I would never unfollow someone, that's just rude! Anyway I love your posts, they always make me smile :)

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  17. Seen as I am your absolute newest follower on that list, you must be talking about me, in which case I am glad I made you so happy. How confused you would be if I now stopped following and then in a few hours started following again and theN defollow and folow over and over again for about 18 days by which time the elation and resultant disappointment would have sent your adrenalin levels so haywire that you will have died! That would be weird!

    Love your blog, you made me pee a little bit!
    Di
    X

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oooh, getting a little whiplash just thinking about those possibilities.......

      Delete
  18. I do get excited about new followers. But I'm kind of a hypocrite, because I don't follow anyone else. I read blogs through a combination of bloglovin (very nouveau), bookmarks (that's vintage) and clicking on people's names in my comments. Now and then, if I remember, I'll follow people on GFC, but it's really more symbolic, since I never EVER read blogs through my blogger dashboard.

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    1. hmmm. Not sure what to make of all that. But you do read my stuff from time to time, right?

      Stephanie?

      Steph?

      Delete
  19. Hi! I followed Stephanie over here and now I'm subscribing! Love your blog! Yay!

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    1. Hi Heather! Welcome!

      (*disclaimer: you can NEVER unfollow now)

      Delete
  20. I'm here as a fellow Purveyor of Awesome, and I'm so glad Stephanie recommended your blog! I've been reading a bunch of your posts, although I keep telling myself to stop so I can check on the baby, who has most likely crawled into the kitty litter box or down the stairs. You're really funny, so I thought this post would be the most appropriate one for a comment telling you I'll be following your blog for sure. That way I can keep the baby out of the electrical outlets and still be sure not to miss any laughs (I believe that's called "responsible parenting").

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    1. Hi Robyn! Welcome! Go check the baby, and then come right back. I'll wait!

      Delete
  21. I get people unfollowing me all the time. Only one actually unsubscribed, but lots of people that used to interact frequently, don't anymore. I hope it's not because of my use of profanity, or the way that I depict Jesus. Whatever it is, can you talk to Wordpress too? they need something like that too. I had a lady send me an email, asking me to unsubscribe her. I said I would, and asked if she had access to the internet, because she could just unsubscribe herself. She was from Edmonton, and is the reason I never go there anymore. Well, that and it's 3900 kilometres away.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. hey chris, I cannot find your blog. I read all your twitter stuff though.

      if you come back and read this, please write out the http:// thing for what your blog is.

      There is a woman chris bird whose husband has a serious illness, and I think this is not you.

      Delete
  22. Yes! I'm with you. I'm still quite new to the blogging world and am struggling to build up followers. Every time I get a new one, I squeal like the girl that I am. The other day I lost one of my followers (I'm 97% sure I didn't lose them to that great blog party in the sky). I actually felt a little stab in my heart over that. Sigh.

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When you write a comment, it makes me feel like I won the lottery or at the very least like I ate an ice-cream sundae. (This has nothing to do with the fact that I did just eat an ice-cream sundae.)