Queen Virgo went to IKEA because Queen Virgo is all about saving money. She found herself in the 17th quadrant of the third floor, just past the computer desks.
She had not intended to go to the baby furniture area, but she had no choice: the obstinate IKEA yellow brick road led her there on the way to check-out.
Queen Virgo’s two babies were, thankfully, still in the car (not to worry: she left a window cracked).
(And they could not really be called “babies” anymore, having already graduated to kindergarten and second grade.)
Queen Virgo had no use for cribs and high chairs and wooden blocks that looked so lovely in their displays ...
... but would inevitably be turned into weapons.
She wanted to get out of there as fast as possible.
And yet …
“Just buy a really nice antique pine dresser and put a towel on top of it,” she could hear the words in her brain. Would the pregnant woman’s husband punch her in the face for intruding like that?
Queen Virgo resisted lunging toward the couple to educate them on all things baby. She chomped her perfect white teeth down hard on her tongue to prevent herself from saying:
“Don’t bother registering—it’s all a scam. Just buy a crib and a few onesies. And the crib that converts into a toddler bed and then a full-sized bed? Ha! Forget that charade! When the baby is finally out of that crib, you won’t even want to look at that contraption ever again, let alone have it reside in your house in any form for the next 17 years. The diapers hanging thing? Uh-uh. No. Just buy a cute basket and call it a day. The glider rocker? No. Ugliest piece of furniture ever conceived—pardon the pun. Do not let the salesgirl tell you that you can put it in your living room later and use it as a reading chair—it will be covered in vomit and still look to the world like a nursery glider. It will never look chic, no matter what you try. Do yourself a favor: buy a big squishy chair with a slipcover and have a new slipcover made when your kid goes to elementary school.”Queen Virgo could feel all the advice churning around in her brain, like mashed up baby food.
“And that’s another thing!” Queen Virgo wanted to warn them, “Don’t buy the baby food chopper-steamer thing. It’s a rip off. Just take a fork and mash the same food you plan to eat and give it to baby.”
Queen Virgo desperately wanted to go talk to that couple, to tell them they should go out to dinner now while they still had the chance, and to quit wasting their precious pre-baby time obsessing about changing tables.
Just when she had figured out a way to go talk to them (“I have never seen such a skinny pregnant woman! Are you a model?”) she overheard the husband say, “Let’s go look at closet shelves. You know how I love to organize.”Queen Virgo smiled, turned, and walked the opposite direction. She knew the young couple would be just fine without her.