MOVarazzi

Friday, April 27, 2012

756. None of Your Beeswax


Queen Virgo went to IKEA because Queen Virgo is all about saving money.  She found herself in the 17th quadrant of the third floor, just past the computer desks. 

She had not intended to go to the baby furniture area, but she had no choice:  the obstinate IKEA yellow brick road led her there on the way to check-out. 
Queen Virgo’s two babies were, thankfully, still in the car (not to worry:  she left a window cracked). 

 

(And they could not really be called “babies” anymore, having already graduated to kindergarten and second grade.)  

Queen Virgo had no use for cribs and high chairs and wooden blocks that looked so lovely in their displays ...     

... but would inevitably be turned into weapons.  

She wanted to get out of there as fast as possible. 

And yet …
Queen Virgo’s attention was suddenly directed to a six-months pregnant couple arguing over a changing table.  The wife was very serious, what with her tape measure and camera.  Queen Virgo’s first thought was (of course) to go over, introduce herself, and proceed to tell them why a changing table (and a wobbly one from IKEA at that!) was a bad idea. 

“Just buy a really nice antique pine dresser and put a towel on top of it,” she could hear the words in her brain.  Would the pregnant woman’s husband punch her in the face for intruding like that?

Queen Virgo resisted lunging toward the couple to educate them on all things baby.  She chomped her perfect white teeth down hard on her tongue to prevent herself from saying:

“Don’t bother registering—it’s all a scam.  Just buy a crib and a few onesies.  And the crib that converts into a toddler bed and then a full-sized bed?  Ha!  Forget that charade!  When the baby is finally out of that crib, you won’t even want to look at that contraption ever again, let alone have it reside in your house in any form for the next 17 years.  The diapers hanging thing?  Uh-uh.  No.  Just buy a cute basket and call it a day.  The glider rocker?  No.  Ugliest piece of furniture ever conceived—pardon the pun.  Do not let the salesgirl tell you that you can put it in your living room later and use it as a reading chair—it will be covered in vomit and still look to the world like a nursery glider.  It will never look chic, no matter what you try.  Do yourself a favor:  buy a big squishy chair with a slipcover and have a new slipcover made when your kid goes to elementary school.” 
Queen Virgo could feel all the advice churning around in her brain, like mashed up baby food. 

“And that’s another thing!” Queen Virgo wanted to warn them, “Don’t buy the baby food chopper-steamer thing.  It’s a rip off.  Just take a fork and mash the same food you plan to eat and give it to baby.” 

Queen Virgo desperately wanted to go talk to that couple, to tell them they should go out to dinner now while they still had the chance, and to quit wasting their precious pre-baby time obsessing about changing tables. 

Just when she had figured out a way to go talk to them (“I have never seen such a skinny pregnant woman!  Are you a model?”) she overheard the husband say, “Let’s go look at closet shelves.  You know how I love to organize.” 
Queen Virgo smiled, turned, and walked the opposite direction.  She knew the young couple would be just fine without her.


MOV 

20 comments:

  1. Love this so much. Things always work out in the end.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Tracie!

      You got to see the draft of this post. See how I improved it?

      best,
      MOV

      Delete
  2. Ha! So much we have learned along the way. We got an oak chest of drawers that had a "changing table" on top, then when you didn't need that, you just flipped it upside down (and the drawers) and it is a perfect chest! We did get the convertible crib/bed deals. However, we bought HEAVY Amish-made oak (Mission-style) beds. So far, so good. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Couse,

      We could not affort the heavy Amish crib/ bed. We could afford the hand-me-down (free) crib from The Husband's boss.......

      best,
      MOV

      Delete
  3. If my mom had been there, she'd probably would not have resisted the urge to jump in...but she'd have said something like, "Just put baby in an old dresser drawer."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Heather,

      Is your mom Virgo? or Amish? or IKEAn? I think I love your mom.........

      best,
      MOV

      Delete
  4. I put the baby on the bathroom counter. That way, when he squirted all over everything, it was wipeable.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kirby,

      This is why you are smarter than me. And prettier. And have cleaner floors. And counters.

      Are you sure you're not a Virgo?

      best,
      MOV

      Delete
  5. I'm the person that just can't help going over and (sticking her nose in) offering helpful advice.

    Maybe you should write a guide for parents to be ?
    I wrote one about teenage boys and Lily did one about pre-teen sons so between the three of us all new parents would be set up for life.

    ps I'm a bit worried about the husband in this story, closet ? loves to organise ? He sounds like he might be gay to me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dirty Cowgirl,

      I thought he might be gay, too, until I saw his argyle socks did not coordinate well with his polka dot bow tie.......... then I knew he was straight.

      best,
      MOV

      Delete
  6. Very cute! It think it was the presence of Queen Virgo that made everything sort out so nicely lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bozo,

      You make Queen Virgo blush. She is doing another grande leap right now.

      best,
      MOV

      Delete
  7. So true,
    baby stuff = waste of money
    better to spend it on having fun while you can.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Julie,

      Having fun = drinking good wine? Yep.

      best,
      MOV

      Delete
  8. First of all congrats for finding your way out of IKEA.
    Changing table? Honey by the time you give birth to #4 you're just throwing a washable pad on the floor and grabbing a diaper out of the box.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Elizabeth,

      Your congratulations to me on finding my way out of IKEA was premature. I am still there. I hijacked one of their display computers to write my blog.......

      best,
      MOV
      ps-- send cookies

      Delete
  9. MOV you seriously must be my soulmate the stuff you write so cleverly, it hits home to me like you rented a small corner in my brain?!? I am the worst in butting in on convo's I am listening to happen all around me yes sometimes I too am saved at the last minute but so many more.. at last ..I have to hear my husband tell me I should have AGAIN minded my beeswax!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Janice,

      Sing it, sister! Queen Virgo just KNOWS that she could save people so much pain and agony if they would only seek her out and listen to her good advice........

      And by the way, thank you so much for reading my blog and for your very kind comments. Made my day.

      best,
      MOV :)

      Delete
  10. Uh-oh...I have never been in an Ikea store, but this glimpse has caused enough damage!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Andrea,

      Step away from the computer! Get thee to IKEA!!!

      best,
      MOV

      Delete

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