MOVarazzi

Saturday, March 31, 2012

727. Don't Spill!

As a veteran mom, I am used to spills.  Spills on the carpet, spills on the table, spills in the car.  Juice spills, milk spills, applesauce spills, spaghetti spills, ice-cream spills.  When this happens, I merely shrug, attempt to calm the young perpetrator of the spill, then utter some profound and soothing mommyism like “Oh, Sweetie, it was an accident.  Don’t worry, we’ll get you all cleaned up.”

That works great for my children; but who calms me when I spill? 
Although I have been known to spill at a party or on a romantic date with The Husband, I usually spill when I am by myself.  The kids are at school, and I am at my favorite local burger place buying a milkshake or a soda.  There I am enjoying my drink, acting like it is my God-given right to merrily imbibe of some refreshment. 

But, THEN, I will, inevitably and for no reason whatsoever, spill.  When I was a flight attendant and happened to spill, I could blame it on turbulence.  “Oh, ha ha, a patch of rough air!  That is why I spilled!”  When I lived in California, I could shift the blame to the local trouble-maker: earthquakes.  “Did you feel that tremor just now?  No?  I’ll bet it was about a 3.2—you might not be sensitive enough like me to have felt it, although it did make me spill my drink.” 

I know what you’re thinking:  Everybody spills.  But does everybody spill where I do?

I don’t always spill right on my boobs.  No.  Not always: 

It is like the specific drink I am drinking—coffee, soda, red wine, whatever—is magnetically attracted to certain areas of my body.  Normal people might spill on their shoe.  If it were me, I wouldn’t really care if I spilled on my shoe, because it is most likely a brown or black shoe.  And does anybody look down at my shoes?  Never.  And if they did, and if I had happened to spill on my shoe, I could pass it off like I stepped in an especially splashy and festive puddle. 

My propensity for geographically unacceptable spills typically occurs when I am on my way to a job interview or to meet a new acquaintance/ friend for lunch, someone I don’t know very well and would most likely try to impress with my fabulous sense of humor and my off-the-charts intelligence.  The spillage will not choose to happen when I have half an hour of extra time to go home and change; it of course will happen when I am running 10 minutes late and forgot to charge my cell phone. 
Sometimes, I do not spill on my body.  Sometimes I spill on my face. 


When this happens, I am unaware.  I go about my business, thinking that I got that tiny drop off my face with a napkin and then 12 hours later I see myself in a mirror and realize that everyone on the street all day must have thought I had a very unfortunate birth mark. 
Fast forward to now:  I do meet my friend for lunch.  She does not make any comment about the spill, which leads me to believe she is a better friend than I thought.  Why was I so worried about something like that?  What is my problem?  Why am I so self-conscious?

I get up to leave after lunch, and to my chagrin I realize I had sat down in something sticky.  Someone else must’ve spilled something on that chair before I sat there.  At first I am upset:  did anything get on me?  Then I exhale a deep sigh of relief because I am wearing jeans.  Even if I got a little bit of whatever was on that chair on me, no one will notice. 
MOV

19 comments:

  1. You are funny - enjoy your blog!

    Many years ago I was at a DQ with a friend and she came to the table with our orders on a tray. I was laughing at the size of the drinks -this was in the pre-Big Gulp days and they looked freakishly huge. When she set the tray down, one tipped over and flooded the table. In our rush to try to contain it, we knocked over the other one. A kid who looked to be about 12 was sitting at the booth behind us and turned around and said "spill a few Cokes why doncha?". 30 years it still makes me laugh.

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    1. glad you like my blog!

      love your story, I think it might be my new catchphrase: spill a few Cokes why doncha??

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  2. This is so me- all of it. Except that when I drop a whole container of something, breaking it, and its contents spill everywhere, I panic. Usually my husband is home, thankfully.

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    1. I do have a tendency to drop a plastic container of salsa UPSIDE DOWN with the lid off. Why is that?!

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  3. Here's my solution: clothing with patterns. It works for me.

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    1. patterns are good. so is black.

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  4. Or maybe I just think it works.

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  5. Very cool post, as was your previous one, Geoff.

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    1. thanks for stopping by, Geoff! Hope you can return to read more of my writing for the A to Z Challenge!

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  6. This is me--all of the time!

    You are my blogging twin! Not sure which one of us is the evil one...

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    1. You are me minus the Walmart. I am you minus the Target. Plus double all the spills.

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  7. Love it! I like how you've started to draw cute pics as well!!

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    1. thanks aysh! hope you have a chance to check out some of the sidebar posts I have highlighted, those are all illustrated too. :)

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  8. Haha! I ALWAYS spill! I usually spill all over myself while I'm taking a drink - of course, this often happens while I'm teaching. So embarrassing.

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    1. I forgot to say that my spills often happen when I am wearing white-- of course they do.

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    2. Ha ha funny post MOV and especially as it is relative - my husband is a spiller and my youngest so much a chip off the old block that we ask him if he wants us to tip his dinner on the floor to save him the trouble.

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    3. oh, julie, funny line!

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  9. Bwahahahahaha! My favorite is the last illustration -- only because I've done the SAME thing! Bum spills. So bad.

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When you write a comment, it makes me feel like I won the lottery or at the very least like I ate an ice-cream sundae. (This has nothing to do with the fact that I did just eat an ice-cream sundae.)