MOVarazzi

Sunday, February 26, 2012

685. Things To Avoid Doing If You Are Me: A Primer

First, if you have a friend named Angela, a dear friend that you marvel at your good luck for knowing, and she is kind enough to line up a job interview for you through her lofty connections for a job that pays extremely well, try not to throw your back out the day of the interview. If you wake up at 6 AM and it feels like a good, regular, normal kind of day, do not be tricked into casually rolling over like you have done every day for the past 43 years without incident.

No.

And then, when piercing demons of evil pain rip through your lower back like feverish electrical jolts of Satanic cruelty for no apparent reason, on this day of all days, interview day, try not to beg The Husband to drive you to the interview anyway.

“Are you out of your mind?” he might say, in a tone that would be best described as the opposite of calming or supportive, “You’re not going anywhere.”

And then when your unhelpful and selfish husband goes into the kitchen to make your breakfast, suppress the urge to pout and obsess about the situation.

When he returns with your latte and oatmeal and a handful of extra-strength Tylenol, don’t whine about how you will never get the job now because you yourself as a boss would not consider (not for one second) hiring someone who cancels a first job interview, even if their house burnt down. “Do you have the insurance claim paperwork or the newspaper reporter photos showing the fire as it was happening?” you would ask the prospective employee.

“Well, it’s a good thing that most people are nicer than you, because I’ll bet this Donna lady gives you another chance. Go ahead and call her right now and tell her what happened and why you can’t get over there.”

When you call Donna, refrain from mentioning the specific names of chemical substances that you are intimately acquainted with from childbirth and oral surgery, drugs with names like Vicodin and Percocet and Codeine-laced Tylenol. She might not appreciate your conspicuous familiarity with the Narcotic Family like you are familiar with the names of the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.”

When the Voice of Donna is understanding and sympathetic (“The same thing happened to me last year, I totally get it,”) vow to yourself that you will keep her genuine kindness a secret from The Husband so he cannot gloat.

When The Husband walks back in the bedroom and inquires how the phone call went, say in a breezy yet enigmatic tone, “About like expected.”

The Husband, unfortunately, knows you, and knows precisely how to decode such a statement. “Ha! I knew it! You mean like I expected, not like you expected. She let you reschedule!”

When your friend Angela calls later to see how the job interview went, tell her you cancelled it. She will laugh, because she thinks you are joking, what with your twisted sense of humor. Explain the situation to her, and then wait for her to say soothing words of friendship balm, words like, Oh you poor thing and I will tell Donna this is not like you or finally Do you need anything?

When Angela says that last part, the part about “needing anything,” feel your face form a wicked hopped-up-on-painkillers jack-o'-lantern grin, because that is precisely what you were predicting she would say. You needed her to say that. You don’t actually consider it to be taking advantage of your seven-year-friendship to merrily chirp the one thing you really do need.

When she shows up at your house half an hour later with three bright green boxes of her daughter Mai-Lin’s leftover Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies in hand, give her $12 and marvel at your good luck at having a dear friend like Angela.

MOV
(“Mom’s On Vicodin”)

18 comments:

  1. There are always those little moments when you realize your friend is for real and for true! Heal quickly...or at least enjoy the "trip"!

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    1. Nice to have true friends........... and good drugs...... and girl scout cookies......... and stuffed giraffe toys with pom-pom tails cut off.........

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  2. A friend in need, right? So sorry you hurt your back. Sore backs are very very unfun. :( I have a neck injury from a car accident about 5 years ago, and it flares up every now and then. I definitely sympathize. Hopefully you'll have your rescheduled interview soon!

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    1. thank you for your kind words, Stephanie!

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  3. Don't worry. You're going to recover, and Queen Virgo is going to own that interview like it's her prized tiara.

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    1. oh, you know about the tiara? I've mentioned the tiara?

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  4. Hope your back feels better MOV, sorry you missed the interview but a good friend is always better than a good job! Can you reschedule the interview?

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    1. She seems like she is willing to reschedule, now I will have to work twice as hard to dazzle her (this might involve bleaching my teeth or at least brushing them).

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  5. I remember my daughter throwing up in her car seat as I was dropping her off with my parents so that I could go to a job interview. I had no clue she was sick until that very second.That very gross, smelly, stressful second.
    I completely appreciate what you were probably feeling when you woke up. A little something like this: "NO! NO, no no no, NO NO NO!! This is not happening!! NOT TODAY! NO no no no NO!"
    Sounds like you have a good friend, and possibly a good understanding future boss :) Good luck on your future interview!

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    1. uh, let's cut to the chase, J.R.: did you get the job?!? (and maybe more importantly on a day-to-day basis, did the vomit smell ever come out of the carseat?)

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    2. Oh yes, I thought I wrote that! I did, and 11 years later I am still there. They are like a family to me,so vomiting children may be some sort of twisted good luck charm for me.

      I decided to look back at my old file (we were gettin stuff ready for storage), see how I filled out my app, or how much I padded my resume,etc. My boss writes notes on apps after people come in.On mine she wrote "Kind, smart, eager, a BIT ANXIOUS"

      A bit anxious, YUP!!! Little did she know I was praying the whole time that I did not have a chunk of vomit on myself.
      Cleaning a carseat full of vomit?? NO FUN!! I could write a tutorial on it though.

      Having your back out could be your twisted, unusual good luck charm........... Fingers crossed!

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    3. good, I am glad you ended up getting the job, that makes me feel a lot better. :)

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  6. Wow - what a chum. I gave you an award...
    dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin dolphin. (only 9,998,990 to go).
    I hope your back's better.

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    1. Julie, I am running out of space to store the dolphins and they are starting to fight (think Jaws, but with more flipping and less chomping). Thank you for the award! I have written a little blog about it and will post it on Thursday (since Wed is Leap Day and I also already wrote tomorrow's post, which is about Target, I know you can hardly wait). Thank you so very much for the award! it means a lot to me!

      xxo
      MOV

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  7. Ack! I've twisted (injured) my back drying myself after a shower but never getting out of bed. I'm so sorry! That's a pain I am all too familiar with (with which I am all too familiar). I hope you and your Girl Scout cookies have a calm, restful, pain-free day and that the interview, on its new date and time, will be stellar!

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  8. At the very moment I read the Thin Mint part, I took a bit out of the one I was eating, myself.

    Deja-frigging-vu.

    -Motaki, Aspiring Falconer

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    1. You are the 13-year old version of me. Well, minus the falcon part.

      xxo
      MOV

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