MOVarazzi

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

680. Mrs. Bad Taste

Do you ever wake up one day and suddenly hate every single possession you own? Your clothes—even the ones that still fit—mock you, saying, “What were you thinking?!” You find yourself hating your picture frames (so pretty in the store), your dish towels, your formerly endearing alarm clock. It’s like you have (with no prior warning) inhabited someone else’s world, and that person’s name is: Mrs. Bad Taste.

Mrs. Bad Taste wears a space rocket long-sleeved t-shirt from the men’s section at Target. The shirt is meant to be ironic, but it is coming across as pathetic. Mrs. Bad Taste also has a fondness for slightly cracked tortoise-shell hair clips, as well as faded black sweatpants that have a weird bleach spot near the elastic waist and a small hole in the pocket.

Mrs. Bad Taste makes you want to trade in everything—every glass, every tray, every placemat, every sock, every lamp—all of it. You look around your house, the house you were very comfortable in—was it only yesterday?—and want none of it. Who bought this ugly throw pillow? you want to know, because it certainly does not look like anything you’d pick out.

You want to gather up everything and put it in a big box marked, Never Want To See It Again. In fact, you are feeling depressed and simultaneously industrious, so you scoop up some of the offending items and set them by the door in a big cardboard box.

That is right when your friend Angela rings the doorbell. “Ready to go for coffee?” she chirps, when you open the door, and then by her expression you can tell that she is not onboard with Mrs. Bad Taste’s current get-up.

“Gah! I forgot!” you hear yourself say apologetically, “Gimme two seconds to change.”

You zip to the bedroom and throw on something else: jeans and a navy sweater, topped off with a red baseball hat to cover the messy hair.  Boring.

You reappear and notice Angela trying not to go through your Goodwill box. “What’s this?” she asks hopefully.

“Just a bunch of junk I’m getting rid of,” you shrug. “Do you mind if we stop by Goodwill on the way to Starbucks so I can drop it off?”

“Sure.” She smiles a tight grin, and the grin tells you she wants to say something else.

“It’s okay, Angela, if you don’t have time, I can stop by there later, no worries.”  You kick the box out of the way and slide your black loafers on. 

“No! No, it’s not that! I just … I just really like that picture frame, the one with the seashells, and if you’re getting rid of it,” (now her voice changes to a near-whisper), “can I have it?”

You take the frame out and hand it to her. “It’s yours! Of course you can have it! Take whatever you like!” You hold out the box enthusiastically, and you instantly regret it. She likes everything in there.

You now like everything in the box, too. Through the Angela-filter, everything you hated a mere 10 minutes ago in now quite attractive. The seashell frame is very nice, actually, you always did like it. You might’ve even received it for a graduation gift. You see Angela currently holding a set of marble coasters. Why on Earth did you put those in the box? You are having a serious case of Donator’s Remorse.

It was all a big mistake! Put down the Nordstrom woven tote bag with the red leather handles, Angela! Step away from the book on Art Deco Architecture! Unhand the black plastic beaded necklace!

“Hey, uh, I’m dying for that coffee,” you prod, “Let’s get going, shall we?”

You and Angela walk out the front door without the Goodwill box, and without your keys. You accidentally lock yourself out of the house. Oh, that is really too bad.

“I’ll just call a locksmith,” you say in a breezy tone to Angela, to which she responds,

“You’re in luck! Remember, you gave me a spare key when you went on vacation at Christmas? We’ll swing by my place and get it.”

You now like all your possessions after all, but you might need to re-think some of your friends.

MOV

18 comments:

  1. Dude, I have these days all of the time. And I give away clothes and then immediately afterwards almost always want to rip it out of that person's hands and tell them that item is haunted.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. soooooooooooooo glad it's not just me. I have literally ripped a sweater off my sister's back and made her give it to me, only to have her say, "You gave it to me FIVE YEARS AGO!"

      Delete
  2. I get that "itch" to replace everything almost every spring. What is that? Thankfully I don't have enough money to replace all the stuff I'd like to so it ends up being a momentary frustration and then I get back to life as normal.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. maybe we should name that? the Spring Swap? swap out everything you own? glad to see I am not the only one afflicted................

      Delete
  3. If you're getting rid of that space rocket shirt, let me know. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. still wearing it. two days later.

      Delete
  4. I hear Cabela's has an alarm clock that instead of pressing a button to turn it off, a little target pops up and you shoot it. With the little gun they send you with it, of course.

    -Motaki, Aspiring Falconer

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. no. it would just encourage The Husband, who already throws things at the alarm clock.........

      Delete
  5. It really sucks when the donated clothes that looked awful on you look fabulous on your friend. It's just...wrong.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. exactly! so unfair! and then the friend got the outfit for free, so you basically worked to earn the money to buy the outfit for you friend to look better than you. this sucks.

      Delete
  6. I hear you! I just gave away 3 big (think garbage bag) bags of clothes, mostly because they were too big. They were all really good quality. As soon as my husband took them to the thrift shop, I kinda wanted them back. My closets are still stuffed to the brim so I'm going to have to do it again. Then I can go shopping again!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I do the same thing. I donated several garbage bags of clothing after the last tornado that went through here, stuff I haven't worn in forever. I couldn't tell you how many times I have wanted to wear one of those items since I gave them away. Right now my living room is assaulting my senses and screaming for a redo, maybe I should just save it all and try to cram another box in my storage building,just in case.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. no, not the storage building! I heard the employees of those places call them the "Rooms of Indecision" because the owners cannot make up their minds about keep or get rid of.........

      Delete
  8. I was sick of all my frames, shelves, candle holders...EVERYTHING... a couple of years ago so I went to Lowe's and bought a bunch of black spray paint and changed all my decor to black. It was just the pick-me-up my house needed. Now, though, things need to be brighter. I just spray painted a bathroom shelf turquoise. Spray paint...it's a fickle girl's best friend.

    As for my clothes, I was fine this winter until my daughter wore some of my jackets for senior photos...and looked a thousand times cuter in them than I ever have. Maybe because she can actually tuck in her shirts and wear belts....

    ReplyDelete
  9. Once a bag of my old clothes didn't make it to charity and I discovered it in hubby's shed, a few years later, the clothes inside it waiting to be used to mop up wood stain and polish. 'There are some nice things in there' I thought and back to the house they came. I think it was more a sign of our diminishing income than discovering a vintage wear treasure trove.

    ReplyDelete

When you write a comment, it makes me feel like I won the lottery or at the very least like I ate an ice-cream sundae. (This has nothing to do with the fact that I did just eat an ice-cream sundae.)