MOVarazzi

Friday, February 10, 2012

662. Why We Fired Her

This morning, in a fit of domestic capability rarely glimpsed in my household, I decided to make scrambled eggs. I know what you’re thinking: On a school day? Yes, friends, on a school day, my precious darling sons got something other than soggy cereal and orange juice from concentrate—they got yummy eggs and even slightly burnt toast.

After we ate our gourmet breakfast, we went to the bus stop like we do every day. I chatted with the other parents, while feeling very smug about our Top Chef-like morning. I kept hoping one of them might mention how they had inhaled a granola bar because they were in a hurry—I was eager to share the fact that I, Mother of The Year (self-)Nominee, had made scrambled eggs, from scratch.

Sadly, the conversation did not naturally migrate in this direction. Nor did it absent-mindedly veer in this direction. Nor did it drunkenly crash into the highway divider of the topic What People Ate For Breakfast. No. I was forced to take drastic measures and completely hijack the conversation that these so-called “friends” of mine were having with one another, merrily discussing their latest Netflix preferences: “Hey! We had scrambled eggs for breakfast! From scratch!

Sadly, my egg-cooking proclamation was abruptly overshadowed (or should I say, drowned out) by a big, fat, yellow, noisy school bus that appeared at just about this time. I slunk home, dejected and defeated. If you don’t get to brag about being healthy, then really, what’s the point?

I knew exactly what would cheer me up: a trip to Target. And, as luck and fate and the second Friday of the month would have it, today was The Husband’s payday. Yippee! I could buy paper towels, shampoo, kitty litter, AND look at all the new magazines!

I hightailed it over to The Altar of Target and spent a blissful hour (okay, who are we kidding—two hours) perusing each and every aisle. Then, after stocking up on everything and nothing, I decided to stop by my favorite coffee shop on the way home for a well-earned latte.

Around 11 AM, I returned to the house, unlocked the front door, and walked in. That’s when I saw it. I recoiled in shock and disgust, like someone in a horror movie discovering a dead body: dirty dishes everywhere!!! Three plates sat on the dining room table, caked in fossilized egg remnants. Three forks sat there, weary accomplices to the egg hardening. Three matching glasses mocked me, each blanketed in a thick film of un-rinsed milk. Toast crumbs clung to every surface, not sure of their role in the crime. I gasped.

The maid! The maid had not come today!

I was an emotional wreck. The 5 stages of grief thrust themselves upon me, like a mean dog that thinks you might have raw meat in your pocket.
  • Stage 1: Denial. No, this can’t be happening. My house is not filthy. Maid will be here any minute.
  • Stage 2: Anger. Damn Maid. I hate her!
  • Stage 3: Bargaining. Please come back, Maid. We might actually pay you this time.
  • Stage 4: Depression. Oh my God, my house is so dirty, I will never be able to have friends over again!
  • Stage 5: Acceptance. Filth and squalor are not that bad. Friends are overrated.
The stages occurred in order, and then simultaneously, and finally in reverse order. Queen Virgo is nothing if not thorough.

I walked in the bathroom to wipe my tear-stained, mascara-smudged face. That’s when I saw her. The maid—she was hiding in the bathroom mirror!

Ha! I found you! I yelled at her, Get back in there and clean that kitchen!

She did what she always did when I got mad at her in the bathroom mirror: shrugged nonchalantly.

Next thing you know, Maid was upstairs. Vacuuming? No.

Blogging.

MOV
(“Maid’s On Vacation”)

22 comments:

  1. Oh MOV, how I've missed reading. (stupid real life in my way, I've not even posted in weeks) argggg

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    1. ha, this was a fun one! wrote itself in about 5 minutes. *big smile*

      welcome back, tuna!

      xxo
      MOV

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  2. I hate it when I see my cleaning lady in OTHER people's bathroom mirrors! Why doesn't she go clean OUR house?!

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  3. Ha! This made me laugh. My hours at work recently got bumped up, and I don't want to give up tutoring...so I'm actually considering getting a real honest-to-goodness housecleaner once a week, just to clean the bathrooms and mop the floors. For some reason, this makes me feel kind of uncomfortable...but by the same token, if I'd rather do something else rather than clean, why not just make money doing something else (tutoring) and hand it right over to a housecleaner - who obviously wants more jobs? No? I don't know. I'm not really a have-a-housecleaner kind of person.

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    1. glad it made you laugh. the "smug" part (about the healthy egg breakfast) was defintiely inspired by your "cart full of smug" at the grocery store post from the other day. :)

      I would love to hire a cleaning lady, and have done so in the past. The distant, fuzzy, cob-webby past.....

      xxo
      MOV

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  4. And I'm TOTALLY impressed that you made eggs. I'll vote for you for mother of the year.

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    1. ha! that's all it takes? why did I spend so much time teaching my older son to read then? *leaves room, searches for chocolate to calm self*

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  5. My daughter sometimes mentions her friends mom who wakes up every morning and makes breakfast.
    "Go live at your friends house then............But,remember, your friends mom doesn't let her wear make-up, so lets see how long you last! If I wasn't up making everyones lunches, then I could make everyones breakfast." Makeup wins ;)

    Also,I was about to feel jealousy and envy towards you about the maid, but then when you proclaimed that you had a Mirror Maid I felt happy and soul matey'ish!! I too have a Mirror Maid, but some days I look at her and think she looks too darn cute in her new outfit,lipgloss and hoop earrings.No body should be forced to clean when they have hoop earrings on.I tell her to instead call up a friend and treat herself to lunch.You have the day off! I'm a nice boss like that!

    Great Post, sorry your Bus Stop friends were not able to hear your complete story. I for one know what it takes to cook breakfast on a school day. Not an easy task. I am sure your cereal and o.j. are poured with love;crazy,rushed,hurry up and get to the bus kind of love, but love.

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    1. great comments, J.R.! yes, we are soul-matey'ish with our Mirror Maids, and I am so glad your gal takes the day off when she is wearing her fancy hoop earrings. Some days if I am having a good hair moment, I look for an excuse to go out (yep, gotta mail that letter IN PERSON at the post office) just so the world can benefit from having seen how nice my hair looks that day (those days are very rare). Of course, on a Perfect Hair Moment day like that, I NEVER run into anyone I know. I see everyone I ever met when my hair is greasy and I have gray roots showing and am wearing the jeans with the rip by the pocket, guaranteed that is when I run into the kids' teachers or principal. *sigh*

      thanks for writing!

      xxo
      MOV

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  6. Durned Mirror Maids...leaving eggs to dry makes dishes a pain to clean. Keep the "maid", fire the dishes.

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    1. good call, never thought of that! :)

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  7. Scrambled egg is OK as long as you have bacon, sausages, deep fried haggis, grilled kippers, Black pudding, fried mushrooms, baked beans and ice cream with it. O yes and toast and Marmite. Now even I would vote you Mother of the Year then, and probably start forming a queue at the door in time for breakfast. I can think of all sorts of people who would queue with me. Maybe there should be some fresh orange juice so that it is a little more healthy and Cornflakes with double cream and maple syrup as a starter (do you do starters at breakfast? Yes WELL COOL)....

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    1. man, I'm coming to your house...........

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  8. You have multiple personalities don't you? (And they're all hilarious.)

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    1. I guess in my writing I absolutely do have multiple personalities.......... and we all thank you. Hey, you should read this link, it is my blog post from a long time ago detailing what "MOV" stands for, I think you will get a kick out of it:

      http://mothersofbrothersblog.blogspot.com/2011/01/304-what-does-mov-stand-for-anyway.html

      you will laugh.

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  9. Hehe thanks for the laugh, wonderful.

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    1. you're welcome! glad you liked it. :)

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  10. So funny. You've got the same maid as me!

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  11. The maid at our house threatened to quit on Friday if some things didn't change. It was ugly. ;-)

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    1. ouch. my maid threatens daily, but then there she is the next morning, in my bathroom mirror. (bad part is: I have witnessed her flirting with The Husband!!!!!! hussy!!!!)

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